Nomar Smoltz

Nomar Garciaparra returned to Fenway Park on Monday. Yay!

His Oakland A's beat the hell out of elderly John Smoltz and the Boston Red Sox. Less yay.

We Have Confirmed that His Last Name Is Also Massachusetts' Nickname. Now Let's Move On.

The good news is that Jason Bay, in his Red Sox debut, played a pivotal role in Boston's extra-innings victory over the Oakland A's. The bad news is that he's barely been on the team for twenty-four hours and the "BAY State" references--permeating the news media and, more tiresomely, handmade signs in and around Fenway Park on Friday night--have already worn out their welcome.

We can't be both a nation and a state, Red Sox fans. Also, Boston's a city. Also (and most importantly), in no conceivable scenario does a proper noun warrant such high levels of excitement.

Let's all make an effort to be more imaginative from here on out. We owe that much to Jay-Bay™. (See? It's that easy.)