Man Murders Multiple Geese with Airplane Engines

Things worked out pretty well for the human beings in the care of Chesley B. Sullenberger on Thursday, though. Good on 'im.

In Fairness to Paula, Who Is?

"American Idol" judge/mess Paula Abdul continues to demonstrate for the world the terrible side effects of chronic cheerleading-accident-related neck pain (and not, mind you, drug abuse), most recently showing that people in her condition think that Southwest Airlines, the airline that boards like a bus, has a first-class section.

When Abdul discovered that this was not true while boarding a flight from San Jose to Burbank, she still attempted to receive VIP treatment, with results she probably found less than completely satisfactory.

After she asked to be seated ahead of everyone else and was denied, Abdul reportedly remarked, "But I’m famous! I need to go on first!” Overhearing that comment, one of her fellow passengers shouted: "You're no Sanjaya! You have to board like everyone else."

Following this humiliation, Abdul understandably tried to seal herself off from the rest of the passengers, attempting to keep the seat next to her empty as the plane was boarding. However, because the flight was full, this plan proved unsuccessful, and Abdul was forced to endure the trip rubbing elbows with one of the mortals who had discovered her terrible secret: She is, in fact, not a partially brain dead, completely tone deaf, tragically self-unaware seventeen-year-old homosexual boy of Indian descent.

But she is about half of those things, and that ain't bad.

Ralph Fiennes Likes His Women Airborne (and Possibly Trapped)

I've always presumed actor Ralph Fiennes to be somewhat of a bore, that his commonly respectable yet stuffy choices of film roles were a reflection of the man himself. Little did I know that he had already proven me wrong last month by letting his fun side out on a Qantas Airways flight from Australia to India, where he allegedly became "amorous" with a female flight attendant in the lavatory.

The flight attendant, Lisa Robertson, who as of yesterday has been suspended by Qantas, is denying that she had sex with Fiennes--that she, in fact, thwarted his inappropriate advances. Whether or not she's telling the truth is irrelevant, for all that matters is this:

Ralph Fiennes just became a little more interesting.