Paula Abdul Doesn't Know About TV

"I've never been drunk in my life," said Paula Abdul, the lady who looks drunk all the time on "American Idol".

So that settles it: it's pills.

"Never," said Paula Abdul--the lady on "American Idol" who always behaves as though she just ate a whole Christmas turkey stuffed with Xanax--in response to her rumored prescription-drug abuse.

Well, I'm stumped.

MC Skat Kat? Coach of the Mighty Ducks? Do you guys have any theories?

Oh, that's right--neither one of you has ever met Paula Abdul, as far as she knows.

The mystery continues...

[Access Hollywood]

In Fairness to Paula, Who Is?

"American Idol" judge/mess Paula Abdul continues to demonstrate for the world the terrible side effects of chronic cheerleading-accident-related neck pain (and not, mind you, drug abuse), most recently showing that people in her condition think that Southwest Airlines, the airline that boards like a bus, has a first-class section.

When Abdul discovered that this was not true while boarding a flight from San Jose to Burbank, she still attempted to receive VIP treatment, with results she probably found less than completely satisfactory.

After she asked to be seated ahead of everyone else and was denied, Abdul reportedly remarked, "But I’m famous! I need to go on first!” Overhearing that comment, one of her fellow passengers shouted: "You're no Sanjaya! You have to board like everyone else."

Following this humiliation, Abdul understandably tried to seal herself off from the rest of the passengers, attempting to keep the seat next to her empty as the plane was boarding. However, because the flight was full, this plan proved unsuccessful, and Abdul was forced to endure the trip rubbing elbows with one of the mortals who had discovered her terrible secret: She is, in fact, not a partially brain dead, completely tone deaf, tragically self-unaware seventeen-year-old homosexual boy of Indian descent.

But she is about half of those things, and that ain't bad.

Frenchie Davis Supporters Mistake Weightism for Racism

Frenchie Davis, a former "American Idol" ("The show everyone watches but me!"™) contestant who was kicked off the show in 2003 after nude photos that she had posed for five years prior surfaced on the internet, is confused as to why current contestant Antonella Barba has been allowed to stay on "American Idol" even though she presently finds herself in pretty much the same situation, involving pictures taken much more recently than five years ago. Given that Davis is black and Barba is white, representatives for Davis and civil rights activists are eagerly crying racism in this matter, going so far as to stage a protest yesterday outside the Kodak Theater in Los Angeles, where "American Idol" tapes.

Although there are differences between Davis' situation and Barba's (mainly that the latter wasn't paid to pose for her racy photos nor did she have prior knowledge that the images would be posted to the internet), a civil rights violation has occurred here...and it's got nothing to do with race. It has entirely to do with the fact that Frenchie Davis is fat, while Antonella Barba is skinny.

Everyone knows that skinny people are more attractive than fat people, and nowhere is that delineation more important than in the realm of movies and television. The Antonella Barba scandal (including the full-on pornographic pictures that turned out to not even be of her [secondary link NSFW]), serves as nothing but good publicity for "American Idol", the producers of which can only benefit if people tune into the show for the sole purpose of picturing the contestants naked...but of course, people will only do so if the contestants in question are attractive--i.e., not fat. When the Frenchie Davis scandal broke in 2003, that was nothing but bad news for "American Idol". As talented a singer as Davis might have been, nobody wanted to picture her naked--and when stories about her being naked were all over the news, avoiding the mental image was practically impossible. Hence, Frenchie had to go.

And Barba will stay...that is, of course, until she is properly voted off "American Idol" because of her substandard singing ability, which I'm told is a problem (remember--I don't watch the show). She will not be a victim of racism, just as Frenchie Davis was not. Until people like Najee Ali--the community activist and founder of Project Islamic H.O.P.E. who has inserted himself as Davis' mouthpiece in this matter--(as well as Rosie O'Donnell, whose identification of the weight issue is nullified by the fact that she of all people also focused on race) realize that the real crime is to hide fat people behind the color of their skin, instead of allowing them to be prejudiced against simply for being fat...none of us will truly be free.

UPDATE: Defamer reports that, should her stint on "American Idol" fail to catapult Antonella Barba to musical superstardom, Joe Francis wants a piece. I'm willing to bet that Frenchie Davis did not receive such an offer back in '03.

Jennifer Lopez to be Humiliated by Simon Cowell

Access Hollywood is reporting that, fresh off her stint saving the world (or perhaps not), Jennifer Lopez will perform on "American Idol" ("The show everyone watches but me!"™) on April 11.

On the one hand, it's nice to see that J-Lo is making an attempt to become a viable presence in the music industry again (unless you count that upcoming movie about the vampire salsa singer)...but on the other, I don't think it's fair that the producers of "American Idol" are allowing someone to audition so late into the season simply because she's famous.

In any event, I'm sure that the show--which purports up and down to be all about genuine singing ability--will prove to be harsh confines for Lopez, as vocal talent is something she definitively lacks. There's no way "American Idol" would have as poor a singer as Jennifer Lopez on the show and kiss up to her rather than derisively mock her. That would be extremely hypocritical.