Reading Comprehension Begins at the Stable

It's been two days since 50-1 longshot Mine That Bird stunned gamblers, hicks and rich hicks alike by winning the Kentucky Derby, and I have yet to solve the mystery of the gelding's seemingly misspelled name beyond the discovery that it is a combination of his sire's name, Birdstone, and his dam's, Mining My Own (I've also learned that "sire", "dam" and "gelding" are fancy horse-talk names for "dad horse", "mom horse" and "horse with his nuts chopped off", respectively).

Optimistically, I hope that whoever named Mining My Own was a miner. Realistically, I am concerned that the person responsible meant to name the horse "Minding My Own" but spelled it wrong. If the latter scenario is accurate, not only did/has that dam live(d) her whole fool life oblivious to her egregiously misspelled handle, the error was passed down to her foal ("baby horse")--compounded, even, by the opportunity missed in the adjustment from the present participle to the present verb form.

Unless his dam's owner wasn't an excavation enthusiast and his current owner is (which would be one hell of a lucky coincidence), Mine That Bird is setting a terrible example for young horses everywhere by furthering the delusive notion that if you're good at sports, your education doesn't matter. He is in effect the Kobe Bryant of horses (save for the raping, of which MTB is incapable for reasons mentioned previously).

Then again, perhaps Mine That Bird isn't solely to blame. After all, he is a horse and therefore might have--in comparison to the humans around him--no idea as to where is or what he's doing or what the hell is happening at any time, ever; if that is the case, I'm glad that dumb sonuvadam has his wealth to rely on. (The horses get most of the money earned from their races, right? Because horse racing is a "sport" and they--like Floyd Mayweather Jr. in boxing and Dale Earnhardt Jr.'s car in car racing--are the essential participants? Maybe I'll look that up, too.)

Future of Horse Racing Lies with Frank Stallone of Animals

I'm no psychologist, so it's difficult to determine whether the horse racing world is in the "denial" or "bargaining" stage of grief over the recent death of Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro, but everyone is almost definitely setting themselves up for disappointment by counting on his brother to carry on his legacy. Though it is no doubt heartbreaking for those close to the sport to know that Barbaro's potential to develop into the next Seattle Slew or Secretariat will never be fulfilled, you might want to rethink transferring all of those eggs into the basket of a horse with (literally) no name.

Just because the yearling in question shares the same mother and sire as Barbaro (or that the sire's name, Dynaformer, may be doubly encouraging in that it makes one suspect he's an Autobot), that doesn't necessarily mean that he's cut out for racing. Maybe, like Jimmy Carter's brother Billy, he'll make a career of endorsing a namesake beer, or, like Patrick Swayze's brother Don, he'll, uh...occasionally hang around with Patrick Swayze. The point is, if things don't pan out for Barbaro's younger brother in the realm of horse racing, it won't be the end of the world.

After all, Barbaro's mother is currently in foal again to Dynaformer...and that horse could easily turn out to be the next Jim Hanks.