Paula Abdul Doesn't Know About TV

"I've never been drunk in my life," said Paula Abdul, the lady who looks drunk all the time on "American Idol".

So that settles it: it's pills.

"Never," said Paula Abdul--the lady on "American Idol" who always behaves as though she just ate a whole Christmas turkey stuffed with Xanax--in response to her rumored prescription-drug abuse.

Well, I'm stumped.

MC Skat Kat? Coach of the Mighty Ducks? Do you guys have any theories?

Oh, that's right--neither one of you has ever met Paula Abdul, as far as she knows.

The mystery continues...

[Access Hollywood]

America's Beer Now Made By Weirdo Foreigners

Baseball. Apple pie. Right-wing Christian fundamentalism. These are the things we think of when we think about what it means to truly be an American. But we care more about these things whenever we're drunk on beer--specifically, the most American of all beers: Budweiser.

Whose parent company, Anheuser-Busch, now belongs to some Belgians.

I don't know how American Jesus could have let this act of terrorism happen--and on the Sabbath, of all days--but you can bet yer ass no God fearin', truck drivin', NASCAR lovin', Toby Keith listenin', 2nd Amendment misappropriatin' REAL American will ever again let a drop of Budweiser touch his Made-in-the-USA lips.

Unless there's still going to be alcohol in it. Is there still going to be alcohol in it?

BREAKING: Hillbilly Enjoys Drinking Alcohol

MSNBC is reporting that the recently-rehabbed Britney Spears is back on the sauce. Friends are concerned that the facts that the pop star fired her manager, Larry Rudolph, who had encouraged Spears to get sober in the first place, and spoke out against her own father for having defended Rudolph to the media may indicate that she is unwilling to confront her addiction.

In equally surprising news, the earth continues to revolve around the sun.