Christmas Came Early for Satan, Y'all

Even though Britney Spears already has two FederSpawn walking the Earth (or at least being dropped on it repeatedly) and a rumored third on the way (courtesy of another high-quality inseminator), the Prince of Darkness apparently wasn't confident enough that their existence, along with that of their parents, would guarantee the End of Days...so he's gone and hedged his bets by blessing Britney's 16-year-old sister Jamie Lynn (star of Nickelodeon's "Zoey 101", although probably not anymore) with a country bump all her own.

Who knows what wonderful contributions Jamie Lynn Spears' unborn child will one day bring to the world. Will it cure cancer? Become President? Win so many Nobel Prizes that the Nobel Committee will be compelled to change the award's name to the "Chester Cheetah McWheelie Spears-Aldridge Edible Chocolate Novelty Medal of Excellence" (or perhaps a variation therein)? We'll just have to wait and see.

Right now, the only thing we do know about the kid--if these pictures of 19-year-old father-to-be Casey Aldridge are an accurate depiction of its gene pool--is that it's probably not going to have a forehead.

BREAKING: Hillbilly Enjoys Drinking Alcohol

MSNBC is reporting that the recently-rehabbed Britney Spears is back on the sauce. Friends are concerned that the facts that the pop star fired her manager, Larry Rudolph, who had encouraged Spears to get sober in the first place, and spoke out against her own father for having defended Rudolph to the media may indicate that she is unwilling to confront her addiction.

In equally surprising news, the earth continues to revolve around the sun.

Britney Spears Rampages City with Umbrella

So, to recap:

On February 16, it was reported that Britney Spears had checked into rehab. Within 24 hours, she had checked out.

Then she shaved her head.

On February 20, she checked back into rehab again.

Then she left. Again.

Now, for the third time in less than week, Britney Spears is back in rehab.

And that's all there is to say at this point. Unless...

You might also be interested to know that, before checking into the Promises residential treatment center on Wednesday, Britney swung by Kevin Federline's house to beat the hell out of an SUV with an umbrella and scare the crap out of some photographers after he wouldn't let her into the house to see her kids.

Good times.

While "Entertainment Tonight" has the story, X17.com has the frightening pictures.

Minor League Hockey Team Folksily Courts Publicity by Exploiting Mentally Unstable Celebrity

Unlike Craig Ferguson, the American Hockey League's Syracuse Crunch doesn't avoid the easy targets, as they've offered Britney Spears (she of the recently exposed dome and rehab entrance) an all-expenses paid trip to Syracuse to attend some of their games. The news is being announced in conjunction with a team promotion wherein women who shave their heads will get into Saturday's Crunch game against the Manitoba Moose for free.

Crunch owner and president Howard Dolgon has suggested--allegedly with a straight face--that the offer to Britney is being made out of genuine concern for her mental health, stating that "in addition to being 3,000 miles away from Hollywood, Syracuse is light years away from that pretentious environment." Dolgon then went on declare that he expects Spears to learn how to ice skate, practice with the team, and perform both new and time-tested songs for the crowd. (I wonder if he was so demanding of Dora the Explorer.)

What's gotten into minor league hockey these days? My personal experience is limited to the occasional NHL game, but I assume that minor league promotions used to involve free hat giveaways and the like. When did the the small-timers get so presumptuous as to expand the practice to include the ritual humiliation of internationally known figures? (Could this insatiable appetite for exposure be Stephen Colbert's fault?)

Perhaps the unseemly penchant for national-newsworthy promotions in minor league hockey is not borne of necessity so much as it is of low self-esteem. Consider Dolgon's statement that "there won't be paparazzi within 100 miles" of a Syracuse Crunch game. You can't deny that he's right...given that there won't be anybody--including, I'm willing to bet, one Britney Spears--within 100 miles. It's an American Hockey League game.

Second-Most-Predictable Comic on Television Draws Line at Most Predictable Joke in News

Craig Ferguson, the host of CBS' "The Late Late Show"--whose personal brand of consistently unfunny comedy is steeped in the Yakov Smirnoff tradition of "I'm from another country! Isn't that hilarious?"--made a point of not making a Britney-Spears-shaved-her-head joke on Monday night's broadcast, saying that "we shouldn't be attacking the vulnerable."

I don't know where Ferguson gets off telling people who they can and can't make fun of. The only person who's in a position to set an example like that is the number one late-night talk show host in the country...and the only way to attain that foothold is to tell the most mind-numbingly obvious jokes conceivable, night in and night out. It's also the only way to maintain the spot, so Ferguson's really fighting an unwinnable battle, here. He should stick to what he knows best: being ignored in favor of Conan O'Brien.

BRT 1138

Yesterday, one might have taken the fact that Britney Spears checked in and out of rehab within twenty-four hours as a sign that she wasn't committed to treating what might be an alcohol and/or substance abuse (or is it just sleepiness?) problem. But now that KABC in Los Angeles has broken the news that the pop-star-cum-theme-park-ride-disaster showed up at a tattoo parlor with her head shaved bald, we can stop pointing fingers...because twenty-four hours is more than enough time to make a full recovery when the rehab facility in question is a dystopian prison commune located beneath the surface of the Earth. The androids who oversee the day-to-day operations at that place--with their emotion-suppressing drugs and liberal use of batons--will straighten a girl out right quick.

We never should have doubted your level of dedication to improving yourself, Britney. You truly are a shining example for all mankind.

UPDATE: Idolator has discovered that Gang Starr had previously attempted to popularize this aesthetic choice back in 1998.