Joakim: Ah, No

Derrick Rose and Ben Gordon are the real deal. Be they members of the Chicago Bulls or another team, we will be seeing one or both of them in the NBA finals sooner than later.

We won't be seeing them this year, of course, because the Boston Celtics--in the deciding game of what might go down as the greatest first-round NBA playoff series in history--finally eliminated the Bulls on Saturday. As a Celtics fan, I am obviously happy about the end result; that I can commend the legitimacy of Rose and Gordon as a fan of the team that bested them ought only increase the assertion's merit.

You know who's a knob, though? That flailing, immature, untested and overrated emotional wreck, Joakim Noah. As a Celtics fan (and a basketball fan in general), I am unrepentantly pleased that I will not have to watch his unearned chest-thumping for the rest of the NBA season. F that crybaby's ass back to the Barber Shop for Wannabe-Hipsters from which he escaped. (It's probably in Florida...or maybe France.)

More of the same goes for Aryan Nation leader Brad Miller: I'm fairly certain that that violent psychopath should be in prison instead of the NBA--or at least in the NHL.

In conclusion: (1) Noah and Miller suck leprechaun cock and deserved to lose; (2) Rose and Gordon are talented basketball players who deserve respect; (3) YAY, CELTICS.

(All told, #3 is my favorite.)

Saturday Was About Sucking. Monday Was About Sucking Less.

That game-winning three-pointer by Ray Allen was doubtlessly exciting, but--given how crappily the Celtics played in the previous game against the Bulls--I wouldn't be a Boston sports fan if I weren't still quite worried about the Celtics' chances to make it out of the series and have an opportunity to get murdered by Orlando or--with a little bit of luck--Cleveland.

Scottie Pippen Also Second Banana to Michael Jordan in Fake Retirements

Michael Jordan is returning to the NBA!

Remember how exciting it was when you heard that news (the first time, anyway--not the Washington Wizards time)? Well, prepare to be much, much less excited...because Jordan's former shadow-holder with the Chicago Bulls, Scottie Pippen, is doing the same thing! Maybe!

The Chicago Tribune is reporting that Pippen is considering making a comeback and has expressed hope that he would be able to join a playoff contender (one has to assume that this contingency is motivated by a desire to win an NBA title for the seventh time and make it into a few pictures of the event for the first). The 41-year-old plans to display how much he's got left in the tank when he participates in the "Shooting Stars" contest as part of the All-Star festivities this weekend in Las Vegas.

If Pippen really wants to show off his skills, he ought to enter the Slam Dunk contest and impress the judges--including Michael Jordan--with a spectacular move that no one has ever accomplished before...maybe like dunking from the foul line. That'd be something to remember Scottie by.