Rap(e)id Fire

Now the Celtics know how it feels to be a hotel employee in Eagle, Colorado.

Stay Classy, San Diego Clippers*

*Which they will, despite not having existed for the last twenty-six years...at least in contrast to their current city's big sister team, if Los Angeles Times sportswriter Ted Green is any indication of the Lakers' level of class.

Wrote Green of the Celtics' Paul Pierce (who miraculously survived a violent attack on his life in 2000): "Pierce's idea of a fun night is going clubbing and getting stabbed. Good times!"

HAHAHAHAHA--yeah, good times. Almost as good of a time as Paul Pierce is going to have watching Banner #18 be hung in the rafters of TD Garden, you sub-literate dicktard.

One Rapist Short = One Point Short

Yay, Celtics.

(Now, if only Kobe Bryant were out forever and you guys weren't so old and busted, I'd feel good about your theoretical-postseason chances.)

Celtics Defeat Yankees, 92-1

As any deluded sports fan knows, the best (irrational) way to cope with one season's team's failure is to carry over the resultant disappointment to the next season's team in the (meaningless) hope that the latter will, in victory, take the sting out of the former's most recent defeat.

When such a victory occurs on the same night as a decisive thumping of your former season's team's archrival...well, that's just Phantastic.

The Boston Celtics Had Seen the Future

And it was a four-game sweep at the hand of the Cleveland Cavaliers.

Understandably, the Celtics opted to turn that privilege over to the Orlando Magic.

UPDATE: Replace "Cleveland Cavaliers" with "Los Angeles Lakers", subtract one win, and quadruple my resentment over the fact that the Celtics were eliminated by that Mickey-Mouse organization.

Fruity Culpa

When the Boston Celtics signed Stephon Marbury back in February, I--like many of the team's fans--was less than complimentary of the troubled player.

Having seen Marbury spark yet another ridiculous Celtics comeback in the fourth quarter on Tuesday, I temporarily amend my description of him as "a poisonous lunatic" to "a burst of fruit flavor".

(Though he's probably still a lunatic.)

[ESPN]

Large Infant Inspires Radio Announcer to Boast to Mother About Eating Small Dog

When the Boston Celtics' Glen "Big Baby" Davis hit a 20-footer at the last second to defeat the Orlando Magic and tie the series on Sunday, that was crazy.

Little did I or anyone else watching the game on TV know at the time, however, that the play's level of insanity was nearly immediately challenged by WEEI-Boston radio broadcaster Cedric Maxwell, who hysterically exclaimed:

"That is how ya do it, big fella! You GO GET IT! It's ON THE LINE! Mama, I'm coming to see ya, somebody get me a napkin--'cause this puppy is OVER!"

The "napkin" part I kind of get, as it references a phrase previously coined by Maxwell (last quote)...but everything else raises questions about Maxwell's personal life whose answers might be too disturbing to explore...

Joakim: Ah, No

Derrick Rose and Ben Gordon are the real deal. Be they members of the Chicago Bulls or another team, we will be seeing one or both of them in the NBA finals sooner than later.

We won't be seeing them this year, of course, because the Boston Celtics--in the deciding game of what might go down as the greatest first-round NBA playoff series in history--finally eliminated the Bulls on Saturday. As a Celtics fan, I am obviously happy about the end result; that I can commend the legitimacy of Rose and Gordon as a fan of the team that bested them ought only increase the assertion's merit.

You know who's a knob, though? That flailing, immature, untested and overrated emotional wreck, Joakim Noah. As a Celtics fan (and a basketball fan in general), I am unrepentantly pleased that I will not have to watch his unearned chest-thumping for the rest of the NBA season. F that crybaby's ass back to the Barber Shop for Wannabe-Hipsters from which he escaped. (It's probably in Florida...or maybe France.)

More of the same goes for Aryan Nation leader Brad Miller: I'm fairly certain that that violent psychopath should be in prison instead of the NBA--or at least in the NHL.

In conclusion: (1) Noah and Miller suck leprechaun cock and deserved to lose; (2) Rose and Gordon are talented basketball players who deserve respect; (3) YAY, CELTICS.

(All told, #3 is my favorite.)

Saturday Was About Sucking. Monday Was About Sucking Less.

That game-winning three-pointer by Ray Allen was doubtlessly exciting, but--given how crappily the Celtics played in the previous game against the Bulls--I wouldn't be a Boston sports fan if I weren't still quite worried about the Celtics' chances to make it out of the series and have an opportunity to get murdered by Orlando or--with a little bit of luck--Cleveland.

You Know What the Celtics Are Missing?

A poisonous lunatic.

Whoops! Not any more, though, thanks to their acquisition of the NBA's red-headed stepchild, Stephon Marbury.

I'm sure this whole thing will go absolutely perfectly.

NBA Referees Are Just Like Kobe Bryant

...in that they're both rapists:

Kobe, of women; Thursday's refs in Boston, of basketball games.

Crooklyn (or That Other Spike Lee Movie Whose Name Escapes Me)*

There are some who mockingly suggest that NBA games should be reduced to their final three minutes; there are games--such as Tuesday's Celtics-76ers matchup--that actually give credence to such an idea.

*(Inside Man? Was that the one with Ray Allen? I don't think it was Miracle at St. Anna...)

Celtics Are Champions Once Again!

There is just one game in the NBA season, right?

No? What is it, then--a couple more?

Eighty-one more? Yeesh...

We returned bandwagon fans are still a little rusty.

Get Out of That Car, You Rapey Also-Ran!

That I'm over a week late to the party only makes me that much more infuriated to have learned that Nike, in an effort to promote their Back to the Future Part II-inspired Hyperdunk sneakers at the UNDFTD shop in Santa Monica back on July 3, inexplicably enlisted the help of Kobe Bryant.

As a fan of both the Boston Celtics and--arguably, to a psychotic degree--of Back to the Future, this compound offense in and of itself would be enough to make me hesitate to spend up to $1000 for the footwear in question...but add to it the fact that the overrated face of the NBA's first-place loser got to ride to the event in a DeLorean--and was an hour late (it's a TIME MACHINE, for Einstein's sake)!--I've got half a mind to buy no more than one pair.

Green...

Seventeen.

Four Quarters to Save the World

Late in the first quarter of Thursday's Celtics-Lakers game, which I was watching on TV, I spotted a friend of mine in his highly enviable courtside seat.

"Well," I thought to myself, "even though I wasn't rubbing elbows with Larry David on Tuesday night, I'm still glad I was in attendance at that relatively competitive Celtics loss rather than at this potentially historic blowout."

Now, three quarters later, I am as desperate as ever to get my hands on a 1985 DeLorean so I can go back in time and trade tickets with that friend.

The game did indeed prove to be a historic one...but with respect to something far more significant than the Lakers' finals-record 21-point lead after the first quarter. To quote the Associated Press (via NBA.com) on the matter:

"No team had ever overcome more than a 15-point deficit in the first quarter, and although the league doesn't have a record for the largest rally in a finals game, the Celtics staged one that will forever be remembered in the annals of Celtics-Lakers lore."

A lesser man might be driving towards downtown Los Angeles as I write this to run around the Staples Center while dressed as a leprechaun--and that lesser man is me!

...Or at least it could be me, were it not for the facts that (1) my leprechaun costume is at the dry cleaners and (2) I've been drinking, which makes it difficult for me to multitask.

UPDATE: Elias Sports Bureau cites the Celtics' achievement as the biggest NBA Finals rally since 1971.

How the NBA Finals Almost Drove Me to Attack a Differently-Abled Person

As an unabashed fan of the professional sports teams from an area outside my current city of residence, I'm no stranger to the outspoken disdain that comes with attending local sporting events (being a Boston sports fan, I've even grown accustomed to trendy-within-the-last-four-years hatred expressed via the internet). I've been taunted by chants of "VIAGRA!" (re: former Red Sox backup Carlos Baerga--get it?) at Dodger Stadium, hit in the head with garbage at Qualcomm Stadium, challenged to fights at Network Associates Coliseum, threatened to be thrown over a railing at Petco Park, assaulted in the parking lot of Angel Stadium, and scolded by the late, great Principal Vernon at the Staples Center...just to name a few such run-ins. (My one visit to Yankee Stadium surprisingly went without incident, perhaps because I was in the company of a clearly-demarcated Yankees fan.) Not one of these times--whether my team was winning or losing or had won or had lost--did I incite the provocation beyond being dressed in the opposition's colors, nor did I respond to it beyond what was minimally necessary for self-preservation.

So how is it that, following the Celtics' loss to the Lakers on Tuesday night, during which I was in attendance, I ended up in an argument with my wife because I wanted to punch a guy in wheelchair?

Her case was fairly cut-and-dry: "He's in a wheelchair and you're not, jackass!" Mine was a bit more complicated, going well past the fact that the guy in the wheelchair totally started it.

My wife--who is a semi-reluctant (except with regard to Jacoby Ellsbury) Boston sports fan through marriage--and I attended the game with another couple, both of whom are die-hard Lakers fans. Due to the fact that we hadn't all gotten our tickets at the exact same time, our friends and we ended up sitting a few sections apart from each other. Before we parted ways upon entering the Staples Center, I remarked to the male half of our friend-couple that--despite the fact that I was proudly decked out in Celtics green--I had a feeling that the Lakers were going to win the game. My friend appreciated my peaceful objectivity...which would prove to be lost on the other 19,000 or so people in attendance.

It's commonplace for a fan of a visiting team at a major sporting event to feel like he's wearing a target on his back--I've been both a victim of and a witness to this phenomenon on numerous occasions--but the people surrounding my wife and I might as well have been reading from a script:

"Somebody stab Paul Pierce!"

"Look at that guy--he was too scared to clap for that Garnett dunk! [meaning me, after I'd applauded at length] You scared, buddy? YEAH, you're scared!"

"Kobe nailed that jumper like he was raping a white girl!"*

...and so on. My wife initiated several attempts to confront the most vocal gentlemen directly behind us, all of which I nipped in the bud--bless her heart, the girl still doesn't understand that guys don't hit the female who mouths off to them but the male standing next to her--until the first half mercifully came to an end.

We reconvened with our friends during halftime, pleasantly discussing the events of the game to that point as we stood in line for concessions. Eventually, I wandered off alone in search of condiments for my Skyscraper Dog.

This Sisyphean trek led me to encounter horde after horde of confrontational Lakers fans emboldened by their team's lead and by alcohol, all of whom I responded to with little more than a congenial grin and a hopeful shrug. By the time I reached the conclusion that there was no relish to be found within miles of the Staples Center, I was still shrugging...though I was much less congenial.

After I had given up on my hunt for satisfactory hot dog accoutrements and was at my wit's end in my attempt to locate my wife, I tried to slide past a pack of drunken, purple-and-gold-adorned lunatics--alas, without success. My pathetically condiment-starved footlong and I were cornered, inundated with chants of "Boston sucks!", "Lakers rule!", and several incoherent references to "Black Mamba" and "Paul Pierce's knee" (as well as--if I've not mistaken--someone's slip about his father not loving him enough and that's why he is the way he is now).

No sooner did I escape that ruckus than I ran right into my wife, who was engaged in a conversation with another friend-couple of ours (not the same as the one we came with)--both of whom were dressed head-to-toe in Lakers gear. Silently struggling to bury my small-minded inclination to go into a Lakers-fan-hating rage, I smiled and congratulated the couple on their second-quarter appearance on the JumboTron. They went their way, my wife and I went ours...and all was right with the world.

Then the third quarter started, my wife went back to our seats...and I ended up stuck in line behind a group of goldenrod-clad Lakers fans who would not get out of my face while all I was trying to do was get a beer for the second half.

What began as an accidental blockade by a couple of drunk guys quickly turned into a Lakers-fan team effort, as any time I moved from one line to another--and ultimately from one entire concession window to another--one or two or three of the people who were already in front of me followed suit, staying in front of me. This ridiculous charade was exacerbated by the fact that the the Celtics--as we all watched on the monitors--took control of the real game happening just inside. My team had their first solid lead, which only further motivated the rival team's fans to keep me from seeing it in person. Eventually, the last of my drunken defenders got his own beer and gave up the goose; I got back to my seat with about five minutes left in the third quarter.

Knowing that nothing good would come from explaining to my wife what had taken me so long, I didn't. My lack of training Inside the Actors Studio, however, tipped her off to the fact that things had turned sour for me; this inadvertent revelation was worsened by the fact that things on the court turned very sour for the Celtics not long after the start of the fourth quarter.

Slimy-headed Sasha Vujacic kept draining three-pointers like they were the mythical cure for slimy-headedness, and I realized well before the game was actually over that the game was over. I mentioned as much to my wife, and she gave me the option of leaving. This being my first-ever attendance at an NBA Finals game--never mind a Celtics-Lakers finals game--I declined the offer. As a true Celtics fan and a married-into-it Celtics fan who--purely out of love--was trying to ignore the fact that her husband was going to a bad place, we stayed for the duration.

In hindsight, that was probably a mistake. And that's on me.

The inevitable became the official: the Lakers defeated the Celtics. As my wife and I side-stepped our way towards the nearest aisle, one of the fine gentlemen who'd been seated behind us shouted out a confrontational, beer-drenched "See ya!"; my only response was to raise one hand showing two fingers and another showing one finger--representing the series score--and, without having turned around, I followed my wife down the stairwell.

The conversation in the stairwell went as such:

ME: See that, baby? I was the bigger person.

WIFE: Good for you. (Pause) Why are you taking your shirt off?

ME (removing the unbuttoned outer shirt from a "BEAT L.A." t-shirt): No reason.

...and we headed outside the Staples Center.

Did I take my outer shirt off to invite trouble? Maybe. (Or, as my wife would say, "Yes".) But one reason I definitely took it off was to let everyone know that, even though my team had lost the game, I stand by them to the bitter end.

My wife and I hadn't gotten ten steps outside the arena when a man in a wheelchair--being pushed by one woman (presumably his wife or daughter or granddaughter) with another woman (presumably his wife or daughter or granddaughter) walking at his side--seeing my t-shirt, stopped, put on the brakes, stared me in the face, and pointed.

"HA HA HA HA HA!" he said.

I stopped dead in my tracks. "Excuse me?" I said, as the man released the brakes and let the women push him along.

"Let's go," my wife said.

"Two games to one!" I shouted.

The man kept laughing as he was rolled away.

"Can you not count?" I shouted louder, starting after him.

"Jesus Christ!" my wife said, grabbing hold of me. "He's in a wheelchair!"

Realizing that I had been about to engage in a fight with a guy in a wheelchair, I turned away, heading with my wife along the sidewalk. But I couldn't let it go.

"Who the fuck does he think he is? Can say whatever he wants and get away with it just 'cause he's in a wheelchair?" I stopped walking. "I should go after him."

"He's in a wheelchair," my wife strongly reiterated.

"And if he weren't, I'd be fighting him right now. In fact...for me not to fight him just because he's in a wheelchair is to treat him as a second-class citizen. That asshole has a Constitutional right to be fought with by me."

"He's in a wheelchair!"

"You're in a wheelchair!"

"It's a basketball game!"

"You're a basketball game!"

"Neither one of the last two things you said are true!"

"Whatever!" I said, pivoting to ninja-strike the guy in the wheelchair.

My wife and I were across the street; the guy in the wheelchair was long gone.

"Let's go home," said my wife.

"You're go home."

My wife shook her head. Tail between my legs, I followed her towards the entrance to the parking structure.

Before my wife and I reached our vehicle, I was challenged to two more fights by two different Lakers fans, neither of whom was in a wheelchair, the second of whom opened with the taunt: "E-li Man-ning!" I really wanted to fight that second guy, given my feelings about Eli Manning...but my wife, aggressively restraining me at this point, wouldn't let me. She dragged me all the way to the car.

Driving home, my wife demanded to know what in the hell would possess me to consider fighting a guy in a wheelchair simply because the basketball team he likes beat the basketball team that I like.

I told her it was more complicated than that: He laughed at me.

She told me it was much less complicated than that: He laughed at my t-shirt.

Like every sports fan, I am a fool.

Go Celtics.



*(to preempt the "Boston fans are racist" retort) this remark was made by a Lakers fan whiter than the offspring of Whitey Ford and the Michelin Man.

There Can Only Be Zero Excuses for Not Dressing Them in Regular Shirts

I'm as excited as the next guy that the Celtics and the Lakers are once again facing off in the NBA Finals after 21 years (I'm especially excited that the Celtics gained a 2-0 series lead on Sunday). I'm excited that Larry Bird and Magic Johnson--the two players who, to anyone from my generation, define the Boston-L.A. rivalry--are on board the promotional train. But somehow, these two exciting events have coalesced to form something I'm very much not excited about:

Overweight middle-aged men in tank tops.

What gives, NBA? Were you afraid that people might not recognize Bird and Magic out of the uniforms that they haven't worn in about two decades? If so, your plan backfired. My initial reaction upon seeing the above commercial was: "Put a shirt on, Dad"...followed by: "You, too, my dad's black friend."

(...followed by: "Hey, my dad has a black friend! The times, they are a-changin'!")

Detroit, What?

Detroit nothing.

It's a Celtics-versus-Lakers NBA Finals, which means that it's the 1980s again! I knew they'd come back for me! I would have liked to have been picked up in a DeLorean...but beggars can't be choosers. The important thing is that I've got my whole life ahead of me. To Little League practice--and this time I'm going to stick with it!

Ray Allen Overcomes Pod Person Captor, Makes 1st Playoff Appearance

The Boston Celtics' Ray Allen had been performing with such spectacular crapularity through the playoffs that I had begun to suspect one of two things: either (a) my concerns about Allen's age going back to when the Celtics traded for him on draft day 2007 had been vindicated, or (b) he had been kidnapped and replaced by a pod person.

After Monday's 29-point performance by Allen--including a clutch basket with a minute left in the game and 2 deal-sealer free throws--helped propel the Celtics to a 3-2 series lead over the Detroit Pistons in the Eastern Conference Finals, I suspect one of two things: either (a) Ray Allen has discovered the Fountain of Youth, or (b) there's a dead pod person in the trunk of his car.

In any case, somebody has got to talk to Rajon Rondo about those ridiculous teardrop "passes" he's been hurling into the stratosphere with alarming frequency. Are those shot attempts, or does he think the basketball is a weather balloon? NASA should look into that once they've settled the pod people issue.