Professional Sports + Monogamy = Frowny-Face Emoticon

First we had this...now we've got this.

Attention, extraordinarily-fortunate men and women who make up the tiny percentage of humankind that gets paid crazy-good money to engage in recreational activities that the vast majority of married/engaged/in-a-committed-relationship men and women support entirely with hefty chunks of their comparatively much-smaller salaries just so that they can occasionally escape to a fantasy world beyond their realities of quiet desperation while likely living to engage in said activities--for free--on the weekends:

Either stay single or choose a new career path. Should work out better for everybody.


[UPDATE (7:35 a.m. PST): The above blitheness aside, there's nothing funny about Chris Henry's subsequent death. Better odds he'll rest in peace than people will stop being lunatics.]

Red Suckers

Here's a screenshot of what arrived in my inbox ten minutes before the time of this posting:


Yeah...let me just grab my credit card and do that, billion-dollar franchise made primarily on the backs of the middle- to low-income people whose souls you crushed not 48 hours earlier. Can I throw in an extra few bucks for your thoughtful timing?

90% of U.S. Money Laced with Cocaine

Thank god my mom's in Europe right now.

She'll be back within two weeks from the time of this posting, America, at which point you will have two options: (A) stop using cocaine or (B) switch to the peso standard.

Although...if we're talking Mexican pesos...

Forget option 'B'. Either (A) stop using cocaine or (C) stop using money. Trade animals for goods instead.

Although...

"You Can Have Your Money Back, Sure. But Wouldn't You Rather Have a Piece of Paper that Isn't Money?"*

*To paraphrase the ingenious plan of the promoters of the late Michael Jackson's never-to-be concert tour in their attempt not to eat 90 million dollars.

Cash + Beer + Meat = Underage Daughter

How strong is the American economy? Strong enough that a farmer in Greenfield, California was willing to sell his 14-year-old daughter into marriage in exchange for $16,000, 100 cases of beer and "several cases of meat".

What a steal!

The father of the bride had second thoughts, though, once the purchaser of his child failed to make full payment. Naturally, pops notified the police about the faulty transaction, whereupon he was arrested on suspicion of human trafficking. Go figure.

And the Bush Legacy train rolls on.

Rich White Kids Get Richer for Having Been Stereotyped as Rich White Kids

There's "I've been exonerated of a crime of which I was falsely accused" happy...and then there's "Ha-ha, we fooled you all and now I've doubled my trust fund, attendees of the poor-kids camp!" happy.

Based on the above picture, I wonder if Mike Nifong might try to re-open the case at least against the kid on the right before leaving office.

Bank of America Won't Tell If You Aren't

In a move of bold defiance to the popular notion that large corporations are insensitive to the needs of the working man, Bank of America Corp. has begun offering credit cards to customers without Social Security numbers--"typically illegal immigrants", the Wall Street Journal helpfully points out.

According to the Journal, Bank of America tested the program last year at five branches in Los Angeles, and last week expanded it to 51 branches in Los Angeles County, home to the largest concentration of illegal immigrants in the U.S. (and me!). The bank hopes to roll out the program nationally later this year.

I think this ought to prove to all the capitalism-hating hippies out there that just because a company is incredibly rich and powerful, some--like Bank of America--will still go the extra mile to help customers who, for one reason or another ("the law", for instance), wouldn't normally have access to their services.

That is, of course, until said customer-in-need runs out of money...and then that dirty, lawbreaking Mexican better go back to his own country where he belongs.

Spoiled Billionaire Heiress Nothing Like That Other Spoiled Billionaire Hereiss, Says Spoiled Billionaire Heiress in Question

If you think that Ivanka Trump is in any way similar to Paris Hilton, you must be a dumb poor person. MSNBC.com is reporting the 25-year-old former model has had just about enough of being compared to the 26-year-old celebutard nonpareil, claiming that--unlike Paris--she works long hours (for her father Donald Trump) and bought her house (from her father Donald Trump).

That's all the evidence I need to know that Ivanka doesn't live with a sense of entitlement, for it clearly illustrates that the plucky, do-it-herself gal (and star of the documentary Born Rich) barely even associates with her progenitor. When she says, "it was always made very clear to me that things wouldn’t just be given to me," I believe her.

That $1.5 million condo at the Trump Park Avenue, for example? She earned it.