U.S. Male

FROM: John Hinckley, Jr.
TO: Jared Lee Loughner

What the hell, dude? I was just trying to impress a famous girl I thought was pretty. I didn't make it political.

FROM: Jared Lee Loughner
TO: John Hinckley, Jr.

Neither did I.

Hillary Clinton's Preferred Alternate Universe Discovered in Bush Country (and none of the preceding was a lesbian joke)

On Saturday, a lesbian won the mayoral race of the largest U.S. city to ever vote an openly homosexual candidate to that office--which I think is awesome.

That city, however, is Houston--which flies in the face of my beloved, east-coast-bred and west-coast-nurtured, hippie-liberal stereotypes of the home state of the Worst President Ever.

But, taking into account that Houston Mayor-elect Annise Parker beat out a black person for the job, it kind of makes sense:

The George Bush-loving rednecks of Houston--faced with what they no doubt viewed as a "lesser of two evils"-type of situation--obviously opted to stick it to the American Negro President and that uppity bitch (and current U.S. Secretary of State) who once challenged the former for the Democratic presidential candidacy by voting for a woman with short blonde hair and a penchant for pantsuits instead of a colored fella.

My liberal bigotry is once again validated; all is right (and/or wrong) with the world.

Republican Attempts to Turn Presidential Speech Into 'Jerry Springer' Taping

"The Jerry Springer Show" has existed for eighteen years (and counting). Thanks to the pussy-ass liberal U.S. Constitooshun--

Except for the part about guns; that gun part is awesome cuz it’s all like RAT-A-TAT-TAT BLOOSH KA-POW ZEEEEEEEEEEOW KER-BLAM ‘SPLODE GUTS BLOOD GRENADE TAKE THAT [MOM AND/OR DAD AND/OR SMALL PENIS AND/OR SUBCONSCIOUS AWARENESS OF SUB-PAR EDUCATION] FUCK YOU [SEX WITHOUT CRYING]!

--and prolly a buncha faggot Mexican science teachers who think they know how to spell "Constitution" and "probably" (not to mention "bunch of" and "Americans") better than real Merokins, that’s already ten more years than "The George Dubya Administration", a program that was not only cut from the mold of "Springer"--what with its senseless violence cheered on by a reactionary score of toothless inbreds ravenous to see stuff done git smashed without caring what (or why or where) that stuff was--but totally improved upon it.

If you're a real Merokin like me, who loves the "Springer" show and loved the "Dubya" show even more, you were doubt no mad as (white Christian) hell when, on Wednesday night, America's Negro President--who I don't hate because he's a Negro; according to Glenn Beck and Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity, I just hate him because he wasn't born in America and/or because he wants to kill Sarah Palin's grandma and/or because he's a goddamn nigg--

Er, that is, "because he wrote a book"...

--showed up on my talk-box talking about healthcare. To my chillins!

(Or least he woulda been talking to my chillins had not all of them passed out before Obama's broadcast as a result of their diabetes: my family currently don't got no health insurance thanks to the Jewish conspiracy to funnel the money from my unemployment checks (that I can't apply for cuz--as the insurance lady on the phone told me--the president is black) into Chinese-terrorist Canadian abortions. 9/11! Never forget!*.)

*Provided that you remember the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001 as the fault of Saddam Hussein and not the other guy that George W. Bush never caught.

Thank Caucasian Jesus for South Carolina Congressman Joe Wilson: when Choco-Muslim Fake-President Handsome Mussolini O'Bortion dared to convey the (well-established) fact that the proposed Healthcare Reform Bill would not mandate coverage for illegal immigrants, he--and only he--had the courage to blurt out, "YOU LIE!"--in front of Congress and everybody.

It doesn't matter that Representative Wilson was repugnantly out of bounds with his outburst, nor that his assertion was incorrect. All that matters is that Joe Wilson did the best that anyone could do to prove one's dedication to former president George W. Bush:

He acted like he was on "The Jerry Springer Show".

Sad Monkey

"'If he wasn’t just back there behind that door crying, I don’t know what that look on his face is.' Because he just looks absolutely devastated as he comes through this door after essentially ending his eight year presidency. And it’s just really striking. He just looks absolutely devastated." - Jim Bourg, writing in Errol Morris' blog, in regards to the image seen above.

This pleases me.

All Hail President Memorex

Tenet 'A', derived from the Constitution of the United States of America, holds that Barack Obama became the U.S. President at twelve o'clock eastern standard time on January 20th, 2009, even though he hadn't been sworn in yet.

Tenet 'B', derived from racist crazy people, holds that Barack Obama was never the U.S. President on January 20th, 2009 because he didn't give a clean reading of the oath of office until the following day.

Given that Tenet 'B' represents a lingering devotion to a former president who willfully ignored his country's Constitution throughout two full terms in office and that Tenet 'A' represents said document, the two tenets cancel each other out. Thus emerges Tenet 'C', derived from Stephen Colbert.

Tenet 'C' holds that whatever person (or thing) appeared on camera as part of the live television broadcast of the presidential inauguration ceremony at noon EST on January 20th, 2009 automatically became the President of the United States; ergo, famed cellist Yo-Yo Ma was the leader of the free world from Tuesday to Wednesday (before Obama retook his presidential oath).

However...it turns out that even that airtight logic is only half true, at best.

At noon EST on the aforementioned date, when the world was seeing Yo-Yo Ma perform John Williams' "Air and Simple Gifts" as part of a quartet, they weren't actually hearing it; rather, they were hearing a pre-recorded version of the song.

This nationally-televised deception begs the question: Who the hell was president between January 20th and January 21st?

The only conclusion is that there were two co-presidents during that time--a Chinese artist born in France and a stereo system assembled in the United States.

(Boy, did we Americans miss a window to get away with some major felonies.)

Stupid Nerd Ruins Sports for All Us Awesome Jocks

You hear about that America-hating terrorist foreigner who got to be president on Tuesday--Hussein Mutombo al-Qaida, or whatever his name is? Not only did that Arab Muslim illegally prevent George W. Bush--the greatest president ever 'cause he used to get hammered a lot and I seen pictures of him in a cowboy hat and he don't trust words--from taking his God-given third term, turns out that goddamn Egyptian postponed sport games in the process! 'Merica sport games!

It's bad enough that that smart-talking Negro got his liberal media friends to make that sexy lady who likes guns cry--he had no right to keep us real Americans from exercising our right to watch televised sporting events at their previously-established times. Now how am I supposed to teach my kids to hate those jungle bunnies who dunk too much?

Whole country's going to hell, I tell ya. Turning socialist...or communist...or whatever either of those words mean.

Bush Stoically Concedes to Devouring by Velociraptor

You know that part in Jurassic Park where that guy is hunting a Velociraptor only to discover that he's actually been lured into a trap by another Velociraptor that was hunting him [clip above]? And right before he gets ripped to shreds, he goes, "Clever girl"?

This is like that. George W. Bush refusing to pardon Scooter Libby on his last day in office is like admitting that the Velociraptor that is about to kill you is clever--no more, no less.

The President-Illegal is dead, having been devoured by the Velociraptors of History (who also on Monday put Dick Cheney in a wheelchair). Long live the President-Actual!

Cash + Beer + Meat = Underage Daughter

How strong is the American economy? Strong enough that a farmer in Greenfield, California was willing to sell his 14-year-old daughter into marriage in exchange for $16,000, 100 cases of beer and "several cases of meat".

What a steal!

The father of the bride had second thoughts, though, once the purchaser of his child failed to make full payment. Naturally, pops notified the police about the faulty transaction, whereupon he was arrested on suspicion of human trafficking. Go figure.

And the Bush Legacy train rolls on.

President Who Didn't Give a Shit About You for 8 Years Desperately Craves Your Love

Having received his two weeks' notice to vacate the White House, George W. Bush has significantly ramped up his previous efforts to rewrite history and make it appear as though he ever cared about the country, the truth, humanity, morality, words or anything other than his sniveling, wretched self by self-publishing a book (a book! from the Bush administration!) entitled "Highlights of Accomplishment and Results".

Given that the online pamphlet clocks in at a whopping 50 pages--and despite that nearly half of those are dominated by pictures--it is likely that the outgoing President-Illegal had to have his legacy read to him. So, fine--that's one embarrassing mark on an otherwise spectacular presidency.

[via Gawker]

Air Baghdads

I wish American journalists would ask George W. Bush the sort of hard questions that one of their Iraqi counterparts did on Sunday.

(By "ask", I mean "throw"...and by "questions", I mean "shoes".)

Palin '12!

Goddamn conservative media...

President-elect Barack Obama won't take office until nearly two months from now, and journalists are already trying to blame him for the germ warfare that will theoretically be brought upon America in 2013.

Wait a minute...2013? That would be one year after Obama's first term...

For the sake of his legacy, let's hope that Obama will have become embroiled in a sex scandal before then. If he is not--and America does suffer a terrorist attack prior to that time--let's hope that then-President Obama will at least have the good sense to retaliate towards a country that had absolutely nothing to do with said attack. Recent history has taught has that that kind of behavior pretty much guarantees a second term.

(Woooo! 'MERICA! [double-barreled pistol fire into the air])

Bush to Go Out in a Blaze of...Mild Reasonability?

You know all those horrible things that George W. Bush did during his eight disastrous years in office?

With less than 70 days to go, The Worst President Ever has come around to acknowledging that his deeds were, in fact, horrible...or at least that about three of them were.

Three is a low number, but it is a start--a start in the direction opposite nuclear winter, which is where I had been pretty sure Bush would try to lead us during his final days in office. So I'll take my small victories where I can get them.

Barack in Time

Once upon a time in America, black people were white people's property.

A couple of centuries later, for eight years America was led by the stupidest, most incompetent, most corrupt, destructive and vile person to ever hold the job.

Then...

On November 4th, 2008, Barack Obama--who is half African-American--was elected President of the United States.

That's a time I can believe in.

The Undecided Voter's Rhyme-Based Guide to the 2008 Presidential Election

With one week remaining until The Most Important Presidential Election In History™, cable news informs me that there are still undecided voters in America (I don't personally know any, but far be it from me to disagree with what TV says). My well-documented bias towards Barack Obama in the current race notwithstanding, I am a registered Independent who officially favors neither Democrats nor Republicans, and especially not Ron Paul (to wit: I thought very highly of Ronald Reagan in the early 1980s, putting aside the fact that I also thought at the time that I was best friends with Knight Rider); I brazenly attest that this puts me in a unique position to offer advice to the potential jurors of the United States who are still uncertain about whom to cast their vote for when they step into the booth on November 4th...that is, some of them.

By no means do I feel qualified to address the theoretically-existent undecided voters who are capable of applying genuine thought and reason to the many issues at stake in this election--they're on their own, as far as my purposes here are concerned. This post is specifically targeted at the undecided voters who are leaning towards John McCain for no other reason than because the word "Obama" rhymes with the word "Osama":

If you wouldn't mind putting down that can of paint you're drinking from for a moment, I'd like to examine the issue of rhyming words vis-à-vis their value in the upcoming presidential election.

It's true--Barack Obama's last name rhymes with Osama bin Laden's first name. There are a lot of people who don't like Obama who would have you believe that this grammatical similarity indicates a substantive commonality between the current Democratic candidate for U.S. President and the evil mastermind behind the terrorist attacks of September 11th, 2001.

But have those people considered the words that rhyme with the words that describe things they do like? It's unlikely, because thinking and words hurt their brains. I ask you to do what they cannot, and contemplate the following selection of 25 rhymes:

Beer: Queer

Bill Engvall: Bilingual (which indicates a terrorist)

Bush: Rush (the band from Canada, which is a foreign country)

Camouflage: "Entourage"

Cheney: Brainy (and thinking is for faggots)

Christ: Feist (who is from Canada)

Football: Fútbol (which means "soccer", which is foreign)

Foreigner (the band): Foreigner (a foreign person)

Fox News: Cock Shoes (which--while not an actual thing--sounds pretty gay)

God: Zod (who tried to kill Superman)

Gun: Hun (who was a person from Asia, which is a foreign place)

Hate: Plate (which liberal elitists use when they eat)

Hunting: Punting (which is quitting)

Incest: Seacrest

Jesus: Pees Us

Larry the Cable Guy: Marry-Clark-Gable Guy

Limbaugh: Simba (who is from Africa, which is where black people are from)

NASCAR: Ass Czar

Palin: Gay Men

"Pro Life": "Go Fife" (and fifes are gay)

Racism: Chase Jism

Truck: Puck (which is used in hockey, which is from Canada)

War: Poor (which, coincidentally, is what the Iraq War made America)

Weapon: Stepin (as in “Fetchit”, who--although hilarious--was a black person)

White Power: Nice Flower (and flowers are gay)

I could go on, but no amount of further examples would ever change one fact that the average Obama-hater is quick to point out: Barack Obama's middle name is "Hussein", which is the same name as the last name of Saddam Hussein (who, although he had nothing to do with 9/11--unlike Osama bin Laden--is, thankfully, dead...also unlike Osama bin Laden).

If that's the kind of ostensible "logic" (for lack of a better term) that can influence your choice for the next President of the United States, there's really no effective counterpoint that I can present to you.

Except...oh, my god--

"Hussein" rhymes with "McCain"!

The Republican Party: Keepin' It Real

Say what you will about the GOP--that it's willfully ignorant, that it sustains itself on deceitful fear-mongering, that its blind allegiance to an unprecedentedly incompetent party-line president has buried America in a pit eight years deep--after what went down on the third night of the Republican National Convention, one thing you can't say is that Republicans are not out, loud and proud about their perpetual evildoing.

During his speech in St. Paul on Wednesday, Rudy "9/11" Giuliani--who (you might not remember because he hardly ever brings it up) was the outgoing mayor of the city that was the central target of the terrorist attacks on America on September 11, 2001, which the Bush administration inconceivably Play-Doh-Fun-Factoried into a rationale to start the Iraq War, which led directly to the energy crisis that is currently drowning the United States--actually got the entire crowd in the Xcel--ahem--Energy Center to chant, "Drill, baby, drill!" (as in: for oil, anywhere and everywhere, as opposed to exploring alternatives that would alleviate America's crippling dependency on fossil fuels and its resultant tendency to become embroiled in transcontinental fiascos in attempts to maintain said addiction). In response to Barack Obama's position that the Iraq War is a losing effort, Mayor Nine-One-One asserted that if America didn't win that war, Osama bin Laden and Al Qaeda did. While this would certainly be news to Osama bin Laden--who has never had anything whatsoever to do with the war in Iraq (and who has yet to be brought to justice for orchestrating the most devastating attack on American soil in history, FYI)--the Sheepublicans in attendance at the Xcel Energy Center (seriously, that's its name) responded to Giuliani's asinine remark with resounding cheers. But they cheered even louder when Rudolph the World Trade Center-Nosed Reindeer, whose public identity is based entirely on the fact that he once ran New York City, attacked the Democratic presidential candidate with the baseless claim that Wasilla, Alaska (pop. 9000)--the former mayoral realm of deer-in-the-headlights Republican vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin--was "not cosmopolitan enough" to earn Obama's respect. Honest to (white, Christian, heterosexual male) God, the Minnesota audience applauded that jab...paying no heed to the frying-pan-to-the-face irony that it was made by a person who is inextricably linked to a city that is not only one of the most liberal in America, but one of the most--if not the most--cosmopolitan on the planet (unless I was asleep while Manhattan was relocated to central Kansas for the duration of Rudy "Quick! Name the Two Different Numbers Closest to '10' that Combine to Make '20'!" Giuliani's eight years in office).

That average American's (provided that the average American has a net worth upwards of $52,000,000) straight-faced nonsense was, however, merely an appetizer to the brain-melting unreality that main event Sarah Palin--whose appearance on the podium was met with a standing ovation from some 18,000 robo-people that had never heard of her less than a week earlier--spewed forth in accordance with her masters' command:

WHAT SARAH SAID (in a falsely ad-libbed reaction to numerous signs throughout the Xcel Energy Center reading "HOCKEY MOMS 4 PALIN" that were suspiciously identical in their handwriting): "What's the difference between a hockey mom and a pitbull? Lipstick."

WHAT REALITY SAYS: That pandering punchline encapsulates the sole reason that the Republican party selected Sarah Palin as McCain's gimmick running mate: she has a vagina.

WHAT SARAH SAID: John McCain is an outsider to "the Washington elite".

WHAT REALITY SAYS: Given that George W. Bush--who currently inhabits the highest position in Washington--publicly and heartily endorsed John McCain two days prior to Palin's speech, Palin's description of her running mate is dizzyingly contradictory...probably to no one more so than the man himself.

WHAT SARAH SAID: The fact that Barack Obama has written two books is a bad thing.

WHAT REALITY SAYS: Having written two books is a bad thing only to people who hate thinking and reading (a.k.a. the Republican base).

WHAT SARAH SAID: In an attempt to mockingly exaggerate Republicans' perception of Democrats' perception of Obama, she alluded to the idea that Obama can "turn back the waters".

WHAT REALITY SAYS: She stole that joke from the previous night's episode of "The Daily Show" [jump ahead to 5:19]. (And she calls herself a right-wing extremist...)

WHAT SARAH SAID: Special interest groups and lobbyists were against McCain in 2000.

WHAT REALITY SAYS: That's because McCain's opponent in the 2000 Republican primary, George W. Bush, had more money than McCain had and therefore had the support of special interest groups and lobbyists...which John McCain now has in 2008, while his opponent, Barack Obama, has refused to accept one cent from lobbyists or special interest groups since the start of his campaign.

WHAT SARAH SAID: John McCain is the only candidate who has literally "fought for you" (referring to McCain's military service during the Vietnam War).

WHAT REALITY SAYS: No, he didn't. I wasn't even alive then. Besides--despite John McCain's heroics (which the Republican party hasn't been willing to fully acknowledge until 35 years after the fact, when it finally suits their purposes)--the Vietnam War wasn't fought for the American people; it was protracted solely to stroke the egos of a megalomaniacal U.S. president--who had no business holding office in the first place--and his like-minded administration. Thank (white, Christian, heterosexual male) God that has never happened again...

Right, potential President John McCain?

Oh--you're asleep? Because you're an septuagenarian ass-kicked shell of a human being who will be dead much sooner than later?

I understand.

Just pass me on to Sarah Palin, then. I'm confident that she can take on your potentially globally-resonant responsibilities. After all, she has driven kids to hockey practice a bunch of times.

Heckuva Job, Liebie

Following his address at the Republican National Convention Tuesday night, former Democratic vice-presidential candidate/ current independent/desperate wannabe Joe Lieberman inadvertently said more about the Republican party's collective mindset than he could in a lifetime of speeches with five little words.

Faced with an NBC News reporter's inquiry regarding Republican VP candidate Sarah Palin's questionable readiness to become the most powerful person in the world should super-elderly Viet Cong-punching-bag-for-five-and-a-half-years John McCain's health fail, Lieberman demurely replied:

"Let's hope for the best."

Yes, Droopy Dog--let's do that. It's totally worked out for the last 8 years, ignoring the fact that the United States of America is in shambles courtesy of a staggeringly incompetent Republican president.

Obamapalooza

John McCain wants people to believe that Barack Obama stands for no one other than celebrities. And, sure...on the final night of the 2008 Democratic National Convention, famous faces Gymnastics Chipmunk, will.i.am, John Legend, Sheryl Crow, Stevie Wonder and Academy Award-winner Al Gore all made appearances.

But so did Michael McDonald--a performer so unhip that it makes me, an unrepentant Huey Lewis fan, angry that the Democratic party did not first think to invite the News and their leader.

So I ask you, John McCain: who in his right mind would, in the year 2008, allow himself to be associated with Michael freaking McDonald if he really stood for no one other than celebrities?

Not Barack Obama--a.k.a. the next President of the United States of America, that's who.

Go back to one of your seven houses, "straight-talking" "maverick", and try to come up with a new argument before next week.

(Might I suggest racism? It's your ace in the hole, as it speaks directly to anyone stupid enough to vote for a third term of George W. Bush's policies.)

Global Warming Sets a Course For Adventure, Your Mind On a New Romance

The Coast Guard has some bad news for all the polar bear-loving, skyrocketing gas prices-complaining-about, not-wanting-the-planet-to-die hippies who have a problem with global warming: the rapidly melting ice in the Alaskan Arctic is opening up new routes for cruise ships.

Who has a problem now?

Certainly not Admiral Thad Allen, the head of the Coast Guard, who sums up the situation thusly: "I'm agnostic to the science and the debate about what the cause is. All I know is there's water where there didn't used to be."

That's just the kind of unassailable logic that the American people have come to expect from their protectors at home.

Bush Administration Deems Scientists Unnecessary

Continuing its quest to turn their president into an actual cartoon character before he leaves office, on Monday the Bush administration ruled that when it comes to deciding if construction projects could endanger animal species, scientists--what with their fancy book learnin' and "knowledge"--will no longer have a say in the matter.

Who will be making those calls from now on? Why, the agencies working on the construction projects, of course. No possibility for conflicts of interest there.

Suck it, nature!

American President-Illegal So Relaxed by Latest Vacation that He Inadvertently Speaks Truth

We've all been there: You take a job that you don't really want and for which you are vastly underqualified because the money's good, the perks are great and--most importantly--it's a real "fuck you" to your dad, who never thought you'd make anything of yourself. A year or so in, you're met with challenges of a severity that you could never have possibly imagined; unequipped as you are, you respond with a totally inappropriate action that only compounds your problems...and then another that does the same...and then another, then another, and another...and so on. But--because the perks are so great and you hate your dad so much that you don't want to lose the job--your only choice of recourse is to progressively remove yourself from reality, defending your actions with a deepening degree of ignorance as the years go by and the chaos that you wrought snowballs exponentially.

This tactic takes you only so far--six or seven years, maybe; eight, at best--and by the time you see the writing on the wall, you are pleasantly surprised to find that with the realization of your job's finality comes a sense of freedom. At long last, everybody else has gotten wise to what you knew from the beginning: you are utterly and hopelessly incapable of handling your professional responsibilities. There are papers to be signed and formalities to be dealt with, of course, so you'll have to stick around for a few months--but those are the months during which you can finally be yourself. A time that you can relax, use up your remaining sick days and vacation days, doing whatever the heck you want...all on the company's tab.

And when you're on the final leg of your all-expenses-paid vacation, perhaps in some exotic locale that you couldn't find on a map if your life depended on it, the reality of your situation finally hits you: you've got nothing left to prove, and no reason to hold yourself back. So, emboldened by alcoholic beverages and/or hard drugs and/or intense prayer, you decide to let it all it out, tell anyone who will listen what you really think. Maybe it doesn't fit with the company line, but it makes sense on a deeper, much more important level. It's what's right, in the big picture.

If you've ever done such a thing, good for you. Your expression was well deserved.

That is unless you were, at the time, the President of the United States...in which case you're an idiotic jackoff of an unprecedented degree who could have only done such a thing to mock your own country, every country on Earth and all of humanity.

(...and probably mostly your dad.)