Detroit, What?

Detroit nothing.

It's a Celtics-versus-Lakers NBA Finals, which means that it's the 1980s again! I knew they'd come back for me! I would have liked to have been picked up in a DeLorean...but beggars can't be choosers. The important thing is that I've got my whole life ahead of me. To Little League practice--and this time I'm going to stick with it!

Ray Allen Overcomes Pod Person Captor, Makes 1st Playoff Appearance

The Boston Celtics' Ray Allen had been performing with such spectacular crapularity through the playoffs that I had begun to suspect one of two things: either (a) my concerns about Allen's age going back to when the Celtics traded for him on draft day 2007 had been vindicated, or (b) he had been kidnapped and replaced by a pod person.

After Monday's 29-point performance by Allen--including a clutch basket with a minute left in the game and 2 deal-sealer free throws--helped propel the Celtics to a 3-2 series lead over the Detroit Pistons in the Eastern Conference Finals, I suspect one of two things: either (a) Ray Allen has discovered the Fountain of Youth, or (b) there's a dead pod person in the trunk of his car.

In any case, somebody has got to talk to Rajon Rondo about those ridiculous teardrop "passes" he's been hurling into the stratosphere with alarming frequency. Are those shot attempts, or does he think the basketball is a weather balloon? NASA should look into that once they've settled the pod people issue.

Kansas City Royals Linked to Cancer

...In the sense that Boston Red Sox pitcher Jon Lester has no-hit them both.

I'd imagine that Lester and his family consider the earlier victory to be far more significant in the big picture, but let's not discount the details of Monday's achievement:

- First no-hitter by a Red Sox left-hander in 52 years

- First no-hitter of the major league season

- 18th Red Sox no-hitter in history

- 2nd Red Sox no-hitter in as many seasons

- Major-league-record 4th no-hitter caught by Jason Varitek

- Only 2 walks allowed

- One-third of the outs came on strikeouts

- Lester's first career complete game

And the last person in the majors to throw a no-hitter? The Red Sox' Clay Buchholz.

Also, did I mention that Jon Lester had previously defeated cancer? My mom did the same thing once, and I used to be impressed by that...until today.

I'll resume returning your phone calls after you throw a no-no, Mom.

[Photo: Charles Krupa / AP]

Where's Hillary?

Somewhere else, being angry, I'd guess.

An Offseason Haiku for the Cleveland Cavaliers

one gifted player
makes for many highlight reels
but not victories

Toothless Hill Folk Heart Self-Deluded Megalomaniac

You go, Hillary! Most had assumed that your psychotic insistence on staying in the Democratic primary with no chance of winning was going to accomplish nothing more than dividing your party and making it easier for George Bush 2.5 to win the election in November.

But with your dominant victory in West Virginia on Tuesday, you've defied the critics and proven just how many racists would rather vote for John McCain or no one at all than consider a black Presidunt of Amerika.

Why hasn't anyone built a statue of you yet?