Hillary Clinton's Preferred Alternate Universe Discovered in Bush Country (and none of the preceding was a lesbian joke)

On Saturday, a lesbian won the mayoral race of the largest U.S. city to ever vote an openly homosexual candidate to that office--which I think is awesome.

That city, however, is Houston--which flies in the face of my beloved, east-coast-bred and west-coast-nurtured, hippie-liberal stereotypes of the home state of the Worst President Ever.

But, taking into account that Houston Mayor-elect Annise Parker beat out a black person for the job, it kind of makes sense:

The George Bush-loving rednecks of Houston--faced with what they no doubt viewed as a "lesser of two evils"-type of situation--obviously opted to stick it to the American Negro President and that uppity bitch (and current U.S. Secretary of State) who once challenged the former for the Democratic presidential candidacy by voting for a woman with short blonde hair and a penchant for pantsuits instead of a colored fella.

My liberal bigotry is once again validated; all is right (and/or wrong) with the world.

White Hawk Down

Hillary Clinton broke her arm just to get out of a meeting with Angelina Jolie...because Hilldog keeps it real.

Those Hillary Clinton Supporters Sure Hold a Grudge

If I told you that a Florida man was arrested by federal agents on Thursday for threatening to assassinate Barack Obama, you'd probably figure, "Bush supporter," right?

Wrong. Although aspiring-bail- bondsman-who-lives-on-a-sailboat Raymond Hunter Geisel did allegedly say of the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee, "If he gets elected, I'll kill him myself," he appears to be no fan of the current president-illegal, having allegedly also remarked that he wanted to "put a bullet in [George W. Bush's] head." Since you can't like McCain if you don't like G-Dub (and if you think otherwise, McCain has a bridge he would like to sell you), the process of elimination leads us to only one logical conclusion:

Would-be Obama assassin Raymond Hunter Geisel is a Clinton man.

What is with those people? Isn't it enough that the Democrats are going to let Bill speak at the convention? Talk about not being able to lose with dignity...

The Most Stupidest Thing I've Ever Seen in This Tuesday

People who base their opinions on the opinions of celebrities are fools. People who may end up voting for Barack Obama simply because celebrities told them to are fortunate fools, given that--movie star endorsements notwithstanding--Barack Obama happens to be the only choice for rational human beings who want America to stand any chance of digging itself out of the quagmire into which it has been progressively stuffed over the last eight years.

As for people who may end up voting for John McCain because Stephen Baldwin--the honest-to-goodness least Baldwin (say what you will about Daniel, "Homicide" was a good show)--told them to...there simply are no words.

That did not discourage the ultraconservative Fox News from dressing the star of the crime against humanity that was the direct-to-DVD Slap Shot sequel in a suit and plopping him in front of the "Just In" cameras as an ostensible counterpoint to the vast wave of support that Obama has received from the entertainment industry. The resultant clip--seen above--is unintentional-comedy gold in its entirety; I've taken the liberty to rank and examine what I believe are the five best moments:

#5: 1:45 - 2:32. Blindly following a miscue from a rambling, anti-Hollywood question by "Just In" host Laura Ingraham, Stephen Baldwin pretends to forget the circumstances under which he came to appear on the program and tries to reposition himself as a regular fella raised in a hardscrabble environment--before Ingraham, contrary to her own purposes, inadvertently corrects him. It's like an attempted high-five that results in two bloody noses.

#4: 2:42 - 2:59. Drowning in his counterintuitive desire to politely bring an end to Ingraham's bashing of Stephen Baldwin's liberal yet far more successful brother Alec, the actor most recently known from "Celebrity Apprentice" blurts out: "If Barack gets nominated, I'll be moving out of the country," before quickly adding...

#3: 3:00 - 3:03. "...Now watch all the media have fun with that." Sir Stephen, if you are allowed to consider yourself a celebrity, I am allowed to consider this blog legitimate media. Therefore, I thank you: I am having fun with that.

#2: 1:24 - 1:44. "What's blowing [Stephen Baldwin's] mind" is that Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, once rivals for the Democratic presidential nomination, now stand united. According to the star of not just one but two ménage à trois movies who became a born-again Christian, such a change in viewpoint is not "authentic". One can only conclude that Stephen's boys George W. Bush and John McCain have, by contrast, always had each other's back.

#1: 3:33 - 3:45. Stephen Baldwin, celebrity Republican: "'Four more years of McCain is gonna be four more years of Bush?' That's the most stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life." Where, oh, where could any right-wing zealot have picked up such poor grammar?

Perhaps movie stars can tell us!

Missed It by That Much

ABC News broke the story on Wednesday that, following Barack Obama's preemptive rescue of the planet on Tuesday, Hillary Clinton is going to end her presidential campaign...maybe by Friday.

It's good that she's not dragging this out, or anything.

UPDATE: As the futuristically self-adjusting ABC News story [Ed. note: It's like it's run by robots!] already indicates, Saturday will be the day of the official concession announcement. You just had to overlap it with Obama's kegger, didn't you, Hillary?

Democratic Party Makes Its 'O' Face

Barack Obama has won the Democratic nomination for President of the United States.

This makes me so hopeful and excited, I don't even have anything snarky to say.

Oh, wait--yes, I do...

Hillary: Shut up, concede, and start trying to be the vice-presidential candidate.*




*(Although that's never going to happen because you--what with your transparent phoniness combined with your attention-starved train wreck of a husband--are now more brutally divisive than a samurai sword through Glad Wrap.)

Where's Hillary?

Somewhere else, being angry, I'd guess.

Toothless Hill Folk Heart Self-Deluded Megalomaniac

You go, Hillary! Most had assumed that your psychotic insistence on staying in the Democratic primary with no chance of winning was going to accomplish nothing more than dividing your party and making it easier for George Bush 2.5 to win the election in November.

But with your dominant victory in West Virginia on Tuesday, you've defied the critics and proven just how many racists would rather vote for John McCain or no one at all than consider a black Presidunt of Amerika.

Why hasn't anyone built a statue of you yet?

Presidential Candidates: They're Just Like Stars!

Either in an effort to make politics appealing to the Us Weekly crowd or because Tuesday was the slowest news day ever, the AP is reporting that Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are distant relatives of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, respectively.

Researchers at the New England Historic Genealogical Society (who apparently chose not to comment on the revelation that Obama appears even ruder, now, for declining Pitt's offer to stump for him back in October) found ways to link all three current presidential candidates, including John McCain, to a number of celebrities--from Celine Dion to the Bush family to Jack Kerouac (whom we can all stop mourning for dying young, in that he would have killed himself upon learning of his tangentially shared heritage with Hillary Clinton). One might find that if one traces the candidates' lineages back to the dawn of time, they're pretty much related to everyone.

It's almost as if all human beings are of the same species. Far out.

Racism NOW!

Were one to assume that Texas--pretend home of George W. Bush and actual home of the state-sanctioned murder of retarded people--was by and large populated by close-minded bigots, wouldn't that make one a bigot oneself?

Technically, yes. But that does nothing to dissuade my strong suspicion (previously alluded to following other Democratic state primaries) that if Barack Obama were of just a slightly paler skin tone, the "fact" that Hillary Clinton is one a'dem uppity bitches who don't know her place is in the kitchen would have sealed up the nomination for him by now.

Alas, it hasn't. And any way you slice it, prejudice wins.

Perhaps America's next president, wealthy white male John McCain, will finally bridge those longstanding cultural divides.

California Democrats Pick Nice White Lady Over Scary Black Man

And that white lady salutes you, racism.

(Okay, maybe racism isn't entirely responsible. Maybe I'm just angry because I--as a "decline-to-state" voter in Los Angeles--have learned that my vote probably didn't count because I managed to skip right over the bonus party bubble, which is a lot less fun than its name would indicate.)

Hillary Clinton of Arkansas by Way of Illinois Sucks Up To Football Team From New Jersey in Attempt to Please New York, Lose Massachusetts

"Clinton grinned and said, 'Hm, I wonder why,' referring to Obama’s support of [the] New England [Patriots]."

That legendary wit of Senator Clinton was unleashed to point out the likelihood that Barack Obama's decision was motivated by the fact that he has been endorsed by Ted Kennedy and a number of other prominent Massachusetts figures.

Way to stick it to him, Hill! You've no doubt been a Giants fan fo' life!

Thanks to Dave for the tip.

Barack on Tarrack

That's more like it, South Carolina.

(NOTE: What may appear to be a pro-Obama ("Probama?") bias on Metroville is actually an anti-Republican-president one, and--since it's been established that even Democrats in middle America aren't sold on the idea of the leader of the free world having lady parts--anyone who thinks that Hillary Clinton would stand a chance in a general election is kidding himself.)

Congratulations, Republicans

Thank god (the white, Christian God, of course) that I resisted the urge to let Barack Obama's Iowa victory make me even slightly optimistic about America's future.

True to shoot-themselves-in- the-foot form, Democrats made Hillary Clinton the winner in Tuesday's New Hampshire primary, thereby establishing that their party has absolutely no idea whom they want to represent them in the 2008 presidential race.

Sure, the New Hampshire Republicans likewise gave majority support to a different candidate (John McCain) than their Iowa brethren had...but, come on. Conservative White Guy-vs.-Conservative White Guy versus Liberal Black Guy-vs.-More-or-Less-Liberal-But-Really-Whatever-the- Hell-Will-Get-Her-Elected Woman? As if the latter pair has a chance in hell (the Jewish Mexican Satan's Hell, of course), now.

Welcome back to George Bush's America. It's like we never left.

White People Are More Afraid of Women Than of Black Men

The results from Thursday night's Iowa caucuses are in...and, on the Democratic side, Barack Obama has defeated Hillary Clinton. With this outcome, the voters of Iowa have made a statement: America is slightly less terrified by the idea of a black president than by the idea of a female one.

The Democrats aren't the only party poised to bring down the status quo, however, as from the Republican side likewise emerged an unprecedented presidential candidate. Instead of the familiar right-wing, ultraconservative, evolution-disbelieving evangelical nutjob who usually emerges as the GOP frontrunner, the voters in Iowa have put their support behind former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee, a right-wing, ultraconservative, evolution-disbelieving evangelical nutjob who hides those qualities by looking like Gomer Pyle and amusingly being friends with Chuck Norris.

See you in New Hampshire, crazies!