Ding, Dong (Etc.)

Nicely done, Mr. President.

Producing a falsely-doubted birth certificate and a highly-desired corpse makes for one hell of a week.

Can't Believe Buckles Buckled...

There is no reason for a perfectly healthy 110-year-old American war hero to die other than the stress that comes from realizing that the current U.S. President is less than one hundred-percent Caucasian.

Name me one other reason, you freedom-hating hippie liberals!

U.S. Male

FROM: John Hinckley, Jr.
TO: Jared Lee Loughner

What the hell, dude? I was just trying to impress a famous girl I thought was pretty. I didn't make it political.

FROM: Jared Lee Loughner
TO: John Hinckley, Jr.

Neither did I.

Is New York City Actually "Gotham City" and Batman Therefore Real?

Batman has got to be real. Otherwise, there would be no explanation for the existence of New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino--whose mind-boggling hate speech could only reasonably be credited to a 'Penguin'-esque fictional supervillain.

Disagree? The next two things you'd tell me would be (1) "the first black American President has a shot at a second term" and (2) "heavily-sponsored white folk driving vroom-vroom machines in a continuous left-hand-turn 'til somebody done get smashed up and burned real good isn't recognized throughout America as a 'sport'."

'Small Wonder' Is Back!

And she got pregnant out of wedlock when she was 17! And she was briefly engaged to the meathead who knocked her up on orders of the GOP in a desperate attempt on their part to blush over the latent hypocrisy of her biological state as it compared to the religious-fanatic, "sex is scary and gross"/"family first"-and-whatnot party line but she ended up not having to marry that guy (who now sells indehiscent fruits on television) after some black rapper beat an old man in the race to let her mom be Vice-Secretary of Flag Pins and Machine Guns or something!

But now--just like her mom--she's on TV for absolutely no goddamn reason at all and making people-who-have-functioning-brains' brains hurt!



'Merica!

[NYMag via Movieline]

See You in Health

On Sunday night, after a hundred years or so, the U.S. House of Representatives passed a sweeping health care reform bill, sending it to President Obama's desk to be signed into law.

"Sweeping", of course, is a relative term, as the bill in question includes a number of compromises from its original intent--'cause politics totally rule--but insuring tens of millions of Americans who previously had no coverage and putting the abuses of private insurance companies in check is nothing to shake a stick at.

Plus, it'll make Republicans super mad.

'MA' Better Blues

As you watch the video below, mentally exchange--

"Chris Parker" with "Massachusetts" (which would make "Oak Park", I guess, "New England")...

"Brad, Sara and Daryl" with "anybody who lives in America that doesn't have affordable health care" (which would, ironically, mean that they probably don't live in Massachusetts)...

"[Chris Parker's planned date with her boyfriend 'Mike']" with "the former law stating that vacated Senate seats in Massachusetts (such as that of the late Ted Kennedy) were to be filled via gubernatorial appointment" and "[Mike's canceling of said date]" with "the changing of said law in 2004 by overconfident Democrats who believed at the time that John Kerry was going to win the U.S. presidency"...

"Brenda" with "President Obama's proposed health care reform bill", and--

"[The] guys [who] are out to get [Chris and her charges]" with "rich white Americans (including most Republican lawmakers) and all other U.S. citizens too stupid to know better (which includes the entirety of the Fox News viewing audience)".



The major difference in this hypothetical (loss of rhyme scheme and rhythm notwithstanding) is that--unlike Chris, Brad, Sara and Daryl do in Adventures in Babysitting--most of their alternates aren't getting out of that blues bar alive. ("Brenda", meanwhile, already lies dead at a bus station, her corpse being desecrated in all kinds of positions by skull-fucking, psycho-rapist hobos (a.k.a. "real Americans"?)).

[YouTube; IMDb]

Hillary Clinton's Preferred Alternate Universe Discovered in Bush Country (and none of the preceding was a lesbian joke)

On Saturday, a lesbian won the mayoral race of the largest U.S. city to ever vote an openly homosexual candidate to that office--which I think is awesome.

That city, however, is Houston--which flies in the face of my beloved, east-coast-bred and west-coast-nurtured, hippie-liberal stereotypes of the home state of the Worst President Ever.

But, taking into account that Houston Mayor-elect Annise Parker beat out a black person for the job, it kind of makes sense:

The George Bush-loving rednecks of Houston--faced with what they no doubt viewed as a "lesser of two evils"-type of situation--obviously opted to stick it to the American Negro President and that uppity bitch (and current U.S. Secretary of State) who once challenged the former for the Democratic presidential candidacy by voting for a woman with short blonde hair and a penchant for pantsuits instead of a colored fella.

My liberal bigotry is once again validated; all is right (and/or wrong) with the world.

Health Care Reform in da House

On Saturday night, the House of Representatives finally, barely passed the Affordable Health Care for America Act. All it took was 219 Democrats and 1 Republican, the latter of whom likely wouldn't have voted for H.R. 3962 if the former hadn't agreed to go all Christian-fundamentalist on the issue of abortion.

But a win's a win.

That is, until the bill gets further bastardized or obliterated completely in the Senate.

Attention, Football Fans of Maine

You like the New England Patriots? I do...because I was born and raised in Massachusetts--34 miles from Foxboro--where the Patriots actually play.

By comparison, your state [capital] is two states and 199.23 miles away from Foxboro--which is in Massachusetts, where same-sex marriage is legal.

You don't like same-sex marriage? Then you don't like the Patriots.

Go ahead and abscond to Canada...and its socialized medicine. (GASP!)

(Seriously, though, Maine: Fuck you.*)


*Not you, Stephen King... You love the Red Sox and are dope.

All Right, We Get It...

You're better than us. That's why we voted for you, Mister President.

(Now how's that health care bill coming along?)

Republican Attempts to Turn Presidential Speech Into 'Jerry Springer' Taping

"The Jerry Springer Show" has existed for eighteen years (and counting). Thanks to the pussy-ass liberal U.S. Constitooshun--

Except for the part about guns; that gun part is awesome cuz it’s all like RAT-A-TAT-TAT BLOOSH KA-POW ZEEEEEEEEEEOW KER-BLAM ‘SPLODE GUTS BLOOD GRENADE TAKE THAT [MOM AND/OR DAD AND/OR SMALL PENIS AND/OR SUBCONSCIOUS AWARENESS OF SUB-PAR EDUCATION] FUCK YOU [SEX WITHOUT CRYING]!

--and prolly a buncha faggot Mexican science teachers who think they know how to spell "Constitution" and "probably" (not to mention "bunch of" and "Americans") better than real Merokins, that’s already ten more years than "The George Dubya Administration", a program that was not only cut from the mold of "Springer"--what with its senseless violence cheered on by a reactionary score of toothless inbreds ravenous to see stuff done git smashed without caring what (or why or where) that stuff was--but totally improved upon it.

If you're a real Merokin like me, who loves the "Springer" show and loved the "Dubya" show even more, you were doubt no mad as (white Christian) hell when, on Wednesday night, America's Negro President--who I don't hate because he's a Negro; according to Glenn Beck and Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity, I just hate him because he wasn't born in America and/or because he wants to kill Sarah Palin's grandma and/or because he's a goddamn nigg--

Er, that is, "because he wrote a book"...

--showed up on my talk-box talking about healthcare. To my chillins!

(Or least he woulda been talking to my chillins had not all of them passed out before Obama's broadcast as a result of their diabetes: my family currently don't got no health insurance thanks to the Jewish conspiracy to funnel the money from my unemployment checks (that I can't apply for cuz--as the insurance lady on the phone told me--the president is black) into Chinese-terrorist Canadian abortions. 9/11! Never forget!*.)

*Provided that you remember the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001 as the fault of Saddam Hussein and not the other guy that George W. Bush never caught.

Thank Caucasian Jesus for South Carolina Congressman Joe Wilson: when Choco-Muslim Fake-President Handsome Mussolini O'Bortion dared to convey the (well-established) fact that the proposed Healthcare Reform Bill would not mandate coverage for illegal immigrants, he--and only he--had the courage to blurt out, "YOU LIE!"--in front of Congress and everybody.

It doesn't matter that Representative Wilson was repugnantly out of bounds with his outburst, nor that his assertion was incorrect. All that matters is that Joe Wilson did the best that anyone could do to prove one's dedication to former president George W. Bush:

He acted like he was on "The Jerry Springer Show".

Some of My Unborn Baby's Unborn Best Friends Are Black

Or they will be, anyway...just so I can stick it to Newsweek and its ridiculous allegation that white people can be racist at the age of 6 months.

News flash, Newsweek: I'm white, way older than 6 months, and my wife--who is also white and older than I am--is pregnant. Between the two of us, we personally know three black people, not including the two that are half black (just like some guy who's currently President of the United States).

(Totally off topic...if you or someone you know is pregnant with a fully black baby that's due in the spring and lives in the Los Angeles area, email me.)

The Death of Ted Kennedy: Many Cons, One Pro

Massachusetts Senator Edward Kennedy--the "Lion of the Senate"--passed away on Tuesday.

Being that I am both a native of Massachusetts and a big fan of the rare politicians who actually care about the people they represent, this bums me out to no end (not to mention that I'm probably going to have to put my dad--who is essentially a Republican--on suicide watch: that's the kind of effect that Ted Kennedy had on people...especially Boston-area Irish Catholics who are dead ringers for him).

The 'cons' of Teddy's death are plentiful and obvious. The top three:

(1) He's dead.

(2) It further jeopardizes the chances for President Obama's proposed health care reform bill to pass while maintaining any element of actual "reform".

(3) The ignorant, Bush-loving, hate-filled racist troglodytes of Fox News and their ilk are all but certain to raise the issue of Chappaquiddick in discussing Kennedy's death, thus emboldening the dumbfuck right-wing "Christian" conservatives--both in their general viewing audience and on Capitol Hill--in their anti-humanity opposition to the aforementioned health care reform bill.

However...there is one 'pro' to be found in this tragic loss:

Edward Kennedy--unlike his brothers--wasn't murdered by an anti-humanity nutjob.

Suck it, antihumans! You missed one!

All hail Ted Kennedy!

Metroville's Super-Secret Plot to Make All Poor White Americans Angry via Rich White Americans on Their Televisions Ruined

Could August 6th, 2009, have been a worse day for me? To prove so would be difficult, given three of my favorite things:

- iconic filmmaker John Hughes
- the Boston Red Sox
- my lifelong plan to snake my way into the American presidency only to reveal myself as a black person and do all kinds of scary black stuff to you fool-ass crackers.

What happened on August 6th, 2009?

(1) John Hughes up and flipping died
(2) the Red Sox got absolutely murdered by the Yankees (as a result of the "senior citizen starting pitcher" gag presumably set into motion by Ashton Kutcher)
(3) I, while searching for a long-buried personal document, stumbled upon a copy of my birth certificate (which I had retrieved many years ago in order to apply for a passport and then filed away)...only to discover that it is not a birth certificate--but rather, a "certificate of live birth".

Point '3', Exhibit 'A' (as in, "Ah hate dem white folk!"):


In light of the recent razor-sharp detective work of patriots such as Lou Dobbs, Bizarro Arianna Huffington and the on-air Muppets of Fox News in their holy quest to unmask America's current president as the partially black person that he truly is, you can bet my secret warehouse full of fried chicken and watermelons that there ain't no way, no how I'm ever again going to try to pass myself off as an American citizen.

In fact...it'd probably be best for me to leave the United States altogether and start my life anew in some exotic foreign location. Hawaii, maybe.

Washington Post Lets the Suck Out

The Washington Post scooped the world on the more-desperately-than-is-appropriate awaited news that the Obamas have at last picked out a freaking dog...and how did they open their story? With five shameful words:

"Who let the dog out?"

Get it? That's kind of the name of a terrible song that was inexplicably popular for some time several years ago; it features the word "dog", which is the thing that the Obamas got and what the story is about! Hahahahaha!

This whole thing makes me make a frowny face--not just because of the patheticalness inherent to the newspaper of America's capital essentially sabotaging an exclusive by making the most obvious reference imaginable and thus driving additional nails into the coffin of print journalism, but also because I had hoped that the Obamas would have seen this coming and taken action to avoid it.

You deliberated your dog selection for over three months, Obamas; it must have occurred to at least one of you (likely one of the parents) that the first story about your selection--and perhaps many more thereafter--would make a cheap and lazy reference to the Baha Men's "Who Let the Dogs Out" that would be detrimental to journalism. No, you could not have avoided the fact that the animal would be a dog, but--with a little creative thinking--you could have thrown the media a curveball and chosen a name other than "Bo". A name such as:

"Electric Slide"...

"Da' Butt"...

"Tubthumping"...

"Macarena"...

"Buffalo Stance"...

And many others.

You could have named the goddamn dog "Rollin' With Kid 'N Play", for chrissake: to have applied the title of any terrible song that was once inexplicably popular other than "Who Let the Dogs Out" as your dog's name would have handcuffed the members of the national media into possibly thinking for themselves...and if enough them had done so, perhaps America would have had a chance to pull itself out of the toilet.

But they didn't, so it won't--not anytime soon, at least.

In any case, though: cute puppy (not pictured).

Ruh-roh.

Cheap racist jokes aside...this Kim Jong Il: is he seriously just out to kill everybody on the planet, or what?

When North Korea uses words like "soon" in describing their potential launch of an alleged communications satellite that a lot of other countries--like Japan and South Korea, who, geographically speaking, might know a little something--think is actually a ballistic missile capable of reaching Alaska, I can't help but get nervous.

Here's the hard truth, crazy BluBlocker-rocking old Korean lady: James Bond isn't a real person, so you're never going to get to meet him. It's time to accept that fact, and fucking cool it with the global-supervillainous shenanigans.

Special O'Fiction

The White House is pooping its pants about it; Fox News is emitting a comparatively much more enjoyable discharge about it; Keith Olbermann is probably regretting allowing Craig Ferguson to promote CBS about it.

All of these people (and many others) are taking issue with the fact that President Obama, while appearing on "The Tonight Show" on Thursday, compared his bowling skills to those commonly displayed at the Special Olympics...but they're doing it for the wrong reason.

This is not a sensitivity issue: Barack Obama--who is neither mentally nor physically disabled--did not disparage Special Olympics participants by equating them to himself; on the contrary, he complimented Special Olympics participants by equating them to the freaking President of the United States (deliberately, it should be noted, which is a key distinction from the last guy). He was wrong to do so, however, based on factuality: Barack Obama has gone on record (as seen in the above video) that his best bowling score is 129; by comparison, the highest bowling score of note at a recent Special Olympics event was 39--which would have given Obama a ninety-point edge.

"Special Olympics", my ass, Mr. President. You would own that shit.

Deliverance

If you liberal city folk who voted for Barack Obama thought that you were happy on November 4th, there's no way in hell that you were as happy as Republican-vice-presidential-candidate's-daughter-impregnator Levi Johnston, who knew then that it was it only a matter of time before he would be freed from the McCain campaign-orchestrated charade of pretending to want to marry that girl he knocked up. And now his chains have been broken.

The Republican lesson? Family values only apply to families of people who win elections.

Hate You Can Believe In

Despite the fact that Barack Obama is far and away the coolest mothertrucker to have ever inhabited the Oval Office (deal with it, Fillmore fans) and despite the fact even the whitey-est white people regard him with a slackjawed awe previously reserved for guests on "Inside the Actors Studio", in no way did his ascension to the U.S. Presidency take a substantial bite out of racism (one need look no further than the Comeuppance-Borked News Channel for proof). Though its obviousness may infinitely recede, color (and religion and gender and sexual preference)-coded bigotry will survive, to some degree, until the very last human being takes his or her very last breath. Sad but true.

You know who I didn't think had any legs, though? Cartoon-y racists: those bedsheet-wearing, cross-burning, sister-humping hillbillies so tragically outmoded that even Harold and Kumar have gotten around to making fun of them (not in a particularly funny way, of course--then again, maybe you just don't get it, Sergeant Bac-O-Bits). Prior to the existence of Harry Potter (and the Possessive Noun/Adjective-Noun Pairing), the only subculture besides the Ku Klux Klan to recognize "Wizard" as an official title was Cookie Crisp--and they cut that shit out almost twenty-five years ago. As far as the general public was concerned, the Ku Klux Klan died an unofficial but ignominious death sometime around 1998, when Future Do-Over Hulk and Future Christian Bale united to portray hatemongers who asserted that the KKK was worthless because its members didn't shave their heads or sufficiently whale on their delts (in the end, Future Christian Bale--in a bit of fiction that would prove to be an eerie parallel to his real-life career--got murdered in a toilet, ultimately allowing for Present Christian Bale to become an internet sensation).

"The south shall rise again", as those who live there (and are ignorant--willfully or otherwise--to the phrase's historical implications) like to say. To those who enjoy that slogan other than as a threat for Civil War II, I say you'd better get your asses in gear, because the American South's less-than-finest representative element, the Ku Klux Klan, is on the comeback trail along with a bunch of other hate groups.

As for everyone else, don't bother yourself with the question of how I know this (SPOILER ALERT: it's the punchline link coming up) or lamenting that such a thing could happen in this day and age or worrying about its implications for your children's' futures; I am here to inform you that the relative resurgence of the KKK is actually a good thing...because Barack Obama made it so.

That's how much the American President--who also happens to be black--cares about turning around the economy.

Good luck pretending to enjoy your slightly-increased profile, racists of America, in light of whence it came. (Also, good luck looking up "whence".)