Ding, Dong (Etc.)

Nicely done, Mr. President.

Producing a falsely-doubted birth certificate and a highly-desired corpse makes for one hell of a week.

BEAT THIS HEADLINE:

"NPR Exec Caught On Tape Calling Tea Partiers 'Racist'"

I got one:

"Fish-Lizards Caught On Shore Like A Billion Years Ago Calling Sky 'Blue'"

Quitting the KKK Is a Death Sentence

It might take 60 years or so--as was the case with West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd--but eventually the Klan will have their revenge.

No snitchin', whiteys. (And possibly no backsies.)

See You in Health

On Sunday night, after a hundred years or so, the U.S. House of Representatives passed a sweeping health care reform bill, sending it to President Obama's desk to be signed into law.

"Sweeping", of course, is a relative term, as the bill in question includes a number of compromises from its original intent--'cause politics totally rule--but insuring tens of millions of Americans who previously had no coverage and putting the abuses of private insurance companies in check is nothing to shake a stick at.

Plus, it'll make Republicans super mad.

'MA' Better Blues

As you watch the video below, mentally exchange--

"Chris Parker" with "Massachusetts" (which would make "Oak Park", I guess, "New England")...

"Brad, Sara and Daryl" with "anybody who lives in America that doesn't have affordable health care" (which would, ironically, mean that they probably don't live in Massachusetts)...

"[Chris Parker's planned date with her boyfriend 'Mike']" with "the former law stating that vacated Senate seats in Massachusetts (such as that of the late Ted Kennedy) were to be filled via gubernatorial appointment" and "[Mike's canceling of said date]" with "the changing of said law in 2004 by overconfident Democrats who believed at the time that John Kerry was going to win the U.S. presidency"...

"Brenda" with "President Obama's proposed health care reform bill", and--

"[The] guys [who] are out to get [Chris and her charges]" with "rich white Americans (including most Republican lawmakers) and all other U.S. citizens too stupid to know better (which includes the entirety of the Fox News viewing audience)".



The major difference in this hypothetical (loss of rhyme scheme and rhythm notwithstanding) is that--unlike Chris, Brad, Sara and Daryl do in Adventures in Babysitting--most of their alternates aren't getting out of that blues bar alive. ("Brenda", meanwhile, already lies dead at a bus station, her corpse being desecrated in all kinds of positions by skull-fucking, psycho-rapist hobos (a.k.a. "real Americans"?)).

[YouTube; IMDb]

Health Care Reform in da House

On Saturday night, the House of Representatives finally, barely passed the Affordable Health Care for America Act. All it took was 219 Democrats and 1 Republican, the latter of whom likely wouldn't have voted for H.R. 3962 if the former hadn't agreed to go all Christian-fundamentalist on the issue of abortion.

But a win's a win.

That is, until the bill gets further bastardized or obliterated completely in the Senate.

The Death of Ted Kennedy: Many Cons, One Pro

Massachusetts Senator Edward Kennedy--the "Lion of the Senate"--passed away on Tuesday.

Being that I am both a native of Massachusetts and a big fan of the rare politicians who actually care about the people they represent, this bums me out to no end (not to mention that I'm probably going to have to put my dad--who is essentially a Republican--on suicide watch: that's the kind of effect that Ted Kennedy had on people...especially Boston-area Irish Catholics who are dead ringers for him).

The 'cons' of Teddy's death are plentiful and obvious. The top three:

(1) He's dead.

(2) It further jeopardizes the chances for President Obama's proposed health care reform bill to pass while maintaining any element of actual "reform".

(3) The ignorant, Bush-loving, hate-filled racist troglodytes of Fox News and their ilk are all but certain to raise the issue of Chappaquiddick in discussing Kennedy's death, thus emboldening the dumbfuck right-wing "Christian" conservatives--both in their general viewing audience and on Capitol Hill--in their anti-humanity opposition to the aforementioned health care reform bill.

However...there is one 'pro' to be found in this tragic loss:

Edward Kennedy--unlike his brothers--wasn't murdered by an anti-humanity nutjob.

Suck it, antihumans! You missed one!

All hail Ted Kennedy!

The American President

It appears as though he can think and read.

Let's see where that takes us.

Barack in Time

Once upon a time in America, black people were white people's property.

A couple of centuries later, for eight years America was led by the stupidest, most incompetent, most corrupt, destructive and vile person to ever hold the job.

Then...

On November 4th, 2008, Barack Obama--who is half African-American--was elected President of the United States.

That's a time I can believe in.

The Undecided Voter's Rhyme-Based Guide to the 2008 Presidential Election

With one week remaining until The Most Important Presidential Election In History™, cable news informs me that there are still undecided voters in America (I don't personally know any, but far be it from me to disagree with what TV says). My well-documented bias towards Barack Obama in the current race notwithstanding, I am a registered Independent who officially favors neither Democrats nor Republicans, and especially not Ron Paul (to wit: I thought very highly of Ronald Reagan in the early 1980s, putting aside the fact that I also thought at the time that I was best friends with Knight Rider); I brazenly attest that this puts me in a unique position to offer advice to the potential jurors of the United States who are still uncertain about whom to cast their vote for when they step into the booth on November 4th...that is, some of them.

By no means do I feel qualified to address the theoretically-existent undecided voters who are capable of applying genuine thought and reason to the many issues at stake in this election--they're on their own, as far as my purposes here are concerned. This post is specifically targeted at the undecided voters who are leaning towards John McCain for no other reason than because the word "Obama" rhymes with the word "Osama":

If you wouldn't mind putting down that can of paint you're drinking from for a moment, I'd like to examine the issue of rhyming words vis-à-vis their value in the upcoming presidential election.

It's true--Barack Obama's last name rhymes with Osama bin Laden's first name. There are a lot of people who don't like Obama who would have you believe that this grammatical similarity indicates a substantive commonality between the current Democratic candidate for U.S. President and the evil mastermind behind the terrorist attacks of September 11th, 2001.

But have those people considered the words that rhyme with the words that describe things they do like? It's unlikely, because thinking and words hurt their brains. I ask you to do what they cannot, and contemplate the following selection of 25 rhymes:

Beer: Queer

Bill Engvall: Bilingual (which indicates a terrorist)

Bush: Rush (the band from Canada, which is a foreign country)

Camouflage: "Entourage"

Cheney: Brainy (and thinking is for faggots)

Christ: Feist (who is from Canada)

Football: Fútbol (which means "soccer", which is foreign)

Foreigner (the band): Foreigner (a foreign person)

Fox News: Cock Shoes (which--while not an actual thing--sounds pretty gay)

God: Zod (who tried to kill Superman)

Gun: Hun (who was a person from Asia, which is a foreign place)

Hate: Plate (which liberal elitists use when they eat)

Hunting: Punting (which is quitting)

Incest: Seacrest

Jesus: Pees Us

Larry the Cable Guy: Marry-Clark-Gable Guy

Limbaugh: Simba (who is from Africa, which is where black people are from)

NASCAR: Ass Czar

Palin: Gay Men

"Pro Life": "Go Fife" (and fifes are gay)

Racism: Chase Jism

Truck: Puck (which is used in hockey, which is from Canada)

War: Poor (which, coincidentally, is what the Iraq War made America)

Weapon: Stepin (as in “Fetchit”, who--although hilarious--was a black person)

White Power: Nice Flower (and flowers are gay)

I could go on, but no amount of further examples would ever change one fact that the average Obama-hater is quick to point out: Barack Obama's middle name is "Hussein", which is the same name as the last name of Saddam Hussein (who, although he had nothing to do with 9/11--unlike Osama bin Laden--is, thankfully, dead...also unlike Osama bin Laden).

If that's the kind of ostensible "logic" (for lack of a better term) that can influence your choice for the next President of the United States, there's really no effective counterpoint that I can present to you.

Except...oh, my god--

"Hussein" rhymes with "McCain"!

You Know Which Presidential Candidate Is a Racist? You Might Never Know:

The white one.

Joe Biden Will See Your Retarded Son and Raise You a Dead Wife and Daughter

Thursday night saw the one-time-only 2008 Vice Presidential debate between Joe Biden and a Robo-Folksy Idiot-Bot. Save for the fact that at no point did Sarah Palin gnaw on her podium, things went more or less as expected.

Obamapalooza

John McCain wants people to believe that Barack Obama stands for no one other than celebrities. And, sure...on the final night of the 2008 Democratic National Convention, famous faces Gymnastics Chipmunk, will.i.am, John Legend, Sheryl Crow, Stevie Wonder and Academy Award-winner Al Gore all made appearances.

But so did Michael McDonald--a performer so unhip that it makes me, an unrepentant Huey Lewis fan, angry that the Democratic party did not first think to invite the News and their leader.

So I ask you, John McCain: who in his right mind would, in the year 2008, allow himself to be associated with Michael freaking McDonald if he really stood for no one other than celebrities?

Not Barack Obama--a.k.a. the next President of the United States of America, that's who.

Go back to one of your seven houses, "straight-talking" "maverick", and try to come up with a new argument before next week.

(Might I suggest racism? It's your ace in the hole, as it speaks directly to anyone stupid enough to vote for a third term of George W. Bush's policies.)

Don't Tell Me Who Obama Selected As His Running Mate!

I'm waiting until I get my text message on Saturday morning to find out, so I can Be the First to Know.

White, Christian Church's McCain Bias Almost as Surprising as Plot of 'Get Smart'

Given that I did not become aware of the "Presidential Forum" at the Saddleback Church/'Superchurch'/Christian Fundamentalist Nonsense Outlet Mall until a few hours before it commenced last Saturday, I was unable to fully comprehend the fact that Barack Obama had agreed to participate in an event designed by a white Christian conservative--Pastor Rick Warren, whose bestselling book, The Purpose-Driven Life, is so vacant and patronizing that it makes The Secret look like The Brothers Karamazov--for his like-minded disciples. All I could do was watch CNN in a partial coma as the presumptive Democratic candidate (who was--shocker!--allotted the opening half of the two-hour program) did his halting, not-so-successful best to ingratiate himself to an audience of whom the vast majority had already made up their minds that they hated him and his funny name and his big-word smart talk--never mind his horrifying skin tone--before John McCain was grandly presented as the main event and commenced to have the crowd eat out of his hand for the duration of the second hour by doing nothing but tossing out Republican catchphrases--"a union between a man and a woman", "the moment of conception", "offshore drilling", et al--at Warren's prompts. It was equivalent to a guest on 'The Daily Show' crying out "weed!" then sitting back while the obligatory cheers from the studio audience fill out his time.

After announcing at the start of the program that McCain would be interviewed during the second half and Obama during the first, Warren--like any false idol worth his salt would have done--attempted to jokingly offset any perception of bias by stating that the presumptive Republican nominee would be spending the first half of the show "in a cone of silence". The remark was a reference to a moment in the widely-seen trailer of the less-widely-seen 2008 summer movie Get Smart, and the Saddleback audience lapped it up accordingly.

With the exception of Steve Carell's valiant performance, Get Smart pretty much sucks (and is an insult to the legacy of the late Don Adams). Targeted as it was, however, at Americans who have no interest in originality or thoughtfulness or anything that might challenge their narrow-minded worldview, the film made for an ideal allusion in terms of Pastor Rick's purposes.

Also in term of those purposes...it was an outright lie. While Barack Obama was being asked the exact same set of questions that John McCain would be asked in the subsequent hour of the forum, McCain was not in a "cone of silence"; rather, he was in his motorcade--aboard the hilariously hypocritically-named "Straight Talk Express"--en route to Saddleback Church, having full access to any live television feed that his heart desired.

What do you think he and/or his handlers were watching?

If you can prove that it was anything other than Rick Warren's interview with Barack Obama, I will give you twelve kabillion dollars for every Academy Award that Get Smart wins next year.

Those Hillary Clinton Supporters Sure Hold a Grudge

If I told you that a Florida man was arrested by federal agents on Thursday for threatening to assassinate Barack Obama, you'd probably figure, "Bush supporter," right?

Wrong. Although aspiring-bail- bondsman-who-lives-on-a-sailboat Raymond Hunter Geisel did allegedly say of the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee, "If he gets elected, I'll kill him myself," he appears to be no fan of the current president-illegal, having allegedly also remarked that he wanted to "put a bullet in [George W. Bush's] head." Since you can't like McCain if you don't like G-Dub (and if you think otherwise, McCain has a bridge he would like to sell you), the process of elimination leads us to only one logical conclusion:

Would-be Obama assassin Raymond Hunter Geisel is a Clinton man.

What is with those people? Isn't it enough that the Democrats are going to let Bill speak at the convention? Talk about not being able to lose with dignity...

Obama Targets McCain's Base by Gaining Senior-Citizenship

If there's one thing John McCain has on Barack Obama, it's the elder candidate's trademark elderliness. Nobody does more voting than old people (regardless of their comprehension of the process), and the more mileage a presidential hopeful has, the better his chances are among the coveted demographic.

Since emerging as the presumptive Democratic nominee, Obama made little ground in closing the superannuated-appeal gap between McCain--a septuagenarian white male who fought in a war and frowns at things--and himself--a comparative teenager whose skin tone is deeply alarming to the average Caucasian-American over the age of 60. The tide may very well turn, however, now that Obama--one day after returning from an overseas trip sealing up his bonus nomination as President of the World--has made a strong move to draw away McCain supporters by acquiring a hip injury: a.k.a. the international sign for advanced age.

It was a brilliant tactic by the Obama campaign, as senior citizens throughout the U.S. will now be unable to resist sympathizing with the presidential candidate that a large percentage of them had previously only known as "the black fellow". If McCain intends to counter this shot across the bow from Obama by "out-injuring" himself to an equivalent degree, his only option would be death...and that might hurt his chances in November.

Jesse Jackson Tries Out Other Direction of Apologizing for a Change

Jesse Jackson, who I am told is a reverend of some kind but is known primarily as a professional apology-demander, apparently had grown so tired of always being on the receiving end of mea culpas that he decided to see how the other half lives. He couldn't simply apologize for no reason, of course, so the first step in Rev. Jackson's experiment was to talk to a Fox News reporter about cutting off Barack Obama's testicles.

Having successfully accomplished Phase 1 of his plan, Jesse Jackson is now apologizing all over the place. I wonder which he'll decide he enjoys more: giving or receiving?

Missed It by That Much

ABC News broke the story on Wednesday that, following Barack Obama's preemptive rescue of the planet on Tuesday, Hillary Clinton is going to end her presidential campaign...maybe by Friday.

It's good that she's not dragging this out, or anything.

UPDATE: As the futuristically self-adjusting ABC News story [Ed. note: It's like it's run by robots!] already indicates, Saturday will be the day of the official concession announcement. You just had to overlap it with Obama's kegger, didn't you, Hillary?

Democratic Party Makes Its 'O' Face

Barack Obama has won the Democratic nomination for President of the United States.

This makes me so hopeful and excited, I don't even have anything snarky to say.

Oh, wait--yes, I do...

Hillary: Shut up, concede, and start trying to be the vice-presidential candidate.*




*(Although that's never going to happen because you--what with your transparent phoniness combined with your attention-starved train wreck of a husband--are now more brutally divisive than a samurai sword through Glad Wrap.)