Christmas Came Early for Satan, Y'all

Even though Britney Spears already has two FederSpawn walking the Earth (or at least being dropped on it repeatedly) and a rumored third on the way (courtesy of another high-quality inseminator), the Prince of Darkness apparently wasn't confident enough that their existence, along with that of their parents, would guarantee the End of Days...so he's gone and hedged his bets by blessing Britney's 16-year-old sister Jamie Lynn (star of Nickelodeon's "Zoey 101", although probably not anymore) with a country bump all her own.

Who knows what wonderful contributions Jamie Lynn Spears' unborn child will one day bring to the world. Will it cure cancer? Become President? Win so many Nobel Prizes that the Nobel Committee will be compelled to change the award's name to the "Chester Cheetah McWheelie Spears-Aldridge Edible Chocolate Novelty Medal of Excellence" (or perhaps a variation therein)? We'll just have to wait and see.

Right now, the only thing we do know about the kid--if these pictures of 19-year-old father-to-be Casey Aldridge are an accurate depiction of its gene pool--is that it's probably not going to have a forehead.

The Day the Email Died

The little-known Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse, Technical Difficulties, paid a visit to our world last night and knocked out all of the Blackberries in the western hemisphere.

If by some miracle you are even able to read this, you must be accessing the internet with something called a "computer"...which a lot of Blackberry owners might not remember is a machine that was invented around the same time as the butter churn. Get the word out to as many people who were victimized by the outage as you can, show them that a computer--while not nearly as cool or portable as the Blackberry--can help assuage some of the trauma they're currently experiencing. If employees in the entertainment industry, the legal profession, and/or on Wall Street aren't able to communicate electronically...what's the point of even living?

UPDATE: The nightmare is over. Let's do what we can to pick up the shattered pieces of our lives and get back to not speaking directly to one another as quickly as possible.