Some of My Unborn Baby's Unborn Best Friends Are Black

Or they will be, anyway...just so I can stick it to Newsweek and its ridiculous allegation that white people can be racist at the age of 6 months.

News flash, Newsweek: I'm white, way older than 6 months, and my wife--who is also white and older than I am--is pregnant. Between the two of us, we personally know three black people, not including the two that are half black (just like some guy who's currently President of the United States).

(Totally off topic...if you or someone you know is pregnant with a fully black baby that's due in the spring and lives in the Los Angeles area, email me.)

You Can't Have Your Offensively-Named Child and Eat His Cake Too

Hillbilly-hipster parents Heath and Deborah Campbell are so hillbilly-hip that they named their son "Adolf Hitler" and now they're hillbilly-hipster-mad that a New Jersey ShopRite refused to put the three-year-old's name on a birthday cake--even without the swastika that they had previously requested.

Mr. Campbell insists that he named his son after das Führer not because he's racist, but because "he liked the name". He goes on to support this iron-clad defense by pointing out that he allows people of races other than the master one into his home (also populated by his daughters, "JoyceLynn Aryan Nation" and "Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie") and that he wouldn't "really care" if his son grew up to hang out with black people.

He wouldn't really care? How progressive. The latter, hypothetical situation is somewhat unlikely, however...given that the kid's freaking name is Adolf Hitler.

Christmas Came Early for Satan, Y'all

Even though Britney Spears already has two FederSpawn walking the Earth (or at least being dropped on it repeatedly) and a rumored third on the way (courtesy of another high-quality inseminator), the Prince of Darkness apparently wasn't confident enough that their existence, along with that of their parents, would guarantee the End of Days...so he's gone and hedged his bets by blessing Britney's 16-year-old sister Jamie Lynn (star of Nickelodeon's "Zoey 101", although probably not anymore) with a country bump all her own.

Who knows what wonderful contributions Jamie Lynn Spears' unborn child will one day bring to the world. Will it cure cancer? Become President? Win so many Nobel Prizes that the Nobel Committee will be compelled to change the award's name to the "Chester Cheetah McWheelie Spears-Aldridge Edible Chocolate Novelty Medal of Excellence" (or perhaps a variation therein)? We'll just have to wait and see.

Right now, the only thing we do know about the kid--if these pictures of 19-year-old father-to-be Casey Aldridge are an accurate depiction of its gene pool--is that it's probably not going to have a forehead.

Father Tags In His Love (Featuring Joe Scarborough Narration!)

With stories of fathers pushing their sons too far in sports practically being a staple of our culture, one can easily lose sight of the phenomenon's inspiring flipside: the men who are so dedicated to protecting their kin from the dangers of physical competition that they won't hesitate to injure other children in their cause.

Take, for example, the heartwarming tale (which, perhaps fittingly, broke on Valentine's Day) of Illinois resident Ray Hoffman--part-time wrestling coach and candidate for World's Greatest Dad--who, when his son was being pinned in a wrestling match, bounded into the ring and body-slammed the offending 11-year-old.

Here's to you, Ray, for breaking the stereotype of the American sports father.

[BONUS: Don't ask why the above YouTube clip of this incident includes the low-level audio from a totally unrelated "Scarborough Nation" broadcast; just immerse yourself in the soothing dichotomy.]