Showing posts with label internet. Show all posts
Showing posts with label internet. Show all posts

Monday, January 17, 2011

You Guys Read the Internet?

Me too! I even have a blog: [URL NOT FOUND]

You follow professional sports? Me too! I happen to have a preference for Boston-based teams, including (but not limited to) the football squad that recently got their (gorgeous) teeth kicked in by one from New Jersey! (No, not that one--the one with the head coach who mistakenly thinks that he can bury his self-loathing under a pile of fried foods, narcissism and sexual perversion.)

According to the internet, the New [LOCATION PERSISTENTLY UNDEFINED] Jets are the best foot-based sports team ever now and they will never, ever, lose again.

For real! It's on the internet!

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Tabloid Culture Sneaks In a Late-Year Victory

Regarding Brittany Murphy's death on Sunday, Courtney Hazlett of MSNBC.com's "The Scoop" made sure to mention that "there are speculative rumors of the usual Hollywood chemical abuse beginning to circulate".

Go get 'em, Courtney! You know all about these "Hollywood" people off of whose lives (and deaths) you make your living by blindly judging. They're the ones keeping you from your true calling of...

What, exactly? The Traveling Ass-Clown Circus? I'm not sure that's a real thing.

Monday, October 19, 2009

A Second Look at Han Solo


See, kids? It's not always cool to not play by the rules.

[YouTube via IWatchStuff]

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Quick! Name Your Favorite DJ AM Song.

Unless you count the late Adam Goldstein's involvement with Crazy Town--which you didn't remember/know about until you read it just now--in which case you maybe recall the title of that one song they were known for--and even then, you can't, because to consider "Butterfly" DJ AM's song is to attribute "Push It" primarily to Spinderella--you can't.

But, as long as you're a proper narcissist, that hasn't stopped you from Tweeting your sadness about DJ AM's death, has it? Because he was on "Entourage" once and that makes him important...or at least certainly more so than the four people who didn't miraculously survive that plane crash last September and therefore had no chance to celebrate their new lease on life by fatally OD'ing less than twelve months later.

Those people never dated Nicole Richie and therefore do not warrant a second thought from the likes of John Mayer or any former cast member of "That '70s Show".*


*[Ed. note: I'll allow that Danny Masterson may have (along with Travis Barker and Goldstein's family members) actually known DJ AM as a human being and is therefore genuinely impacted by his death; Demi Moore's trucker-hat rack, on the other hand, gets no such pass.]

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Jesus Is on the Internet

Should thou initiate a Google search borne of the phrase "Jessica Biel", thou shalt be smote by all kinds of viruses on behalf of Jesus.

At which point thou shalt be all like, "Oh, no, Jesus--that was an accident! I meant to search 'the dangers of masturbation'! Crazy typo!"

And Jesus shall reply, "Tell it to the smiting", before driving away on his most awesome of motorcycles, Amen.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Sports Writer Unaware of Sports Fans

I need to get off the internet.

I can't, of course, because doing so might force me to directly interact with other human beings. But if I could, I might have a better chance at avoiding articles like the most recent one from "NBC sports.com contributor" Tony DeMarco wherein the author critically wounds the Boston Red Sox's chances of winning the World Series this year by brazenly asserting that the Boston Red Sox will win the World Series this year.

Way to know your readers, DeJinxo. Sports fans are by nature superstitious; Red Sox fans are by nurture quite unhealthily superstitious; ergo, you are a big jerk with a stupid mustache.

Unless, of course, your prediction turns out to be accurate (knock on wood)...in which case you will be a great guy with a stupid mustache.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Panty-Sniffer Hopes to Kidnap, Drug and Eat Your Children on Christmas

Pictured above is Jedd Medefind of the Christian Alliance for Orphans; I know this because of the superimposed title.

But that's not all I think I know.

To wit:

(1) The two 'D's in Jedd's Medefind's first name refer to the "double-D" bra cup size. This means that Jedd Medefind is a pervert obsessed with feminine undergarments.

(2) The first syllable of Jedd Medefind's last name is "med", which is short for "medicine". This means that Jedd Medefind is a drug addict as well as a drug dealer.

(3) The last syllable of Jedd Medefind's last name is "find". This means that Jedd Medefind wants to find things to give drugs to and then have sex with.

(4) The name of the Christian Alliance for Orphans includes the word "orphans", which refers to children. This means that the things that Jedd Medefind wants to find, give drugs to and then have sex with are children--your children, probably...since that's also a thing I just thought of.

(5) The name of the Christian Alliance for Orphans includes the word "Christian", which refers to Christmas. This means that Jedd Medefind wants to find, give drugs to and have sex with your children on Christmas, which is Santa Claus' birthday.

(6) Jedd Medefind's mouth is open in the above picture. This means that Jedd Medefind wants to eat your children on top of everything else.

Unless you love rape, the illegal drug trade, kidnapping, child molestation and/or cannibalism, and you hate Santa Claus, you will join me in boycotting Jedd Medefind and the Christian Alliance for Orphans.

While it may be true that I made absolutely no effort to understand anything about Jedd Medefind or the Christian Alliance for Orphans beyond their names, I assure you that that does not mean that I am behaving like a fear-mongering, narcissistic twit...

Or at least not any more so than Jedd Medefind and the Christian Alliance for Orphans (and this lady and these pinheads) are behaving in reaction to a movie called "Orphan".

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

That Theme Song Goes with Anything


Leave it to the internet to finally make a worthy Star Wars spinoff.

Somewhat ironic that Tom Selleck was originally cast as Indiana Jones...

[YouTube via Movieline]

Monday, April 6, 2009

THIS...IS...uh...Tar Hee?

Here's what's awesome about the NCAA basketball tournament (from the layman's perspective): not one person knows what the hell he's doing. But we all fill out our brackets anyway, because we like anything that isn't our job or family. Also, we like money.

I additionally like to pretend that I am preternaturally knowledgeable; this is in fact my primary motive to participate in no less than four different bracket pools every year. Truth be told, I have not held an unadulterated interest in college basketball since around the time that Christian Laettner was selected to the USA Dream Team and Shaquille O'Neal joined forces with the Fu-Schnickens to implicitly protest as much in the form of high-speed rhyming verse. (Have Laettner or Shaq turned pro yet? And what of the Schnickens?--them homeys was fresh.) Regardless, my near-total ignorance never fails to hold zero influence in my decision to settle in at the computer with minutes to go until the bracket-submission deadline and initiate the half-assed "research"--this guy on CBS Sportsline says this, but this other guy on SI.com says a different thing, but green is my favorite color, etc.--that determines my faux-educated picks. Yes, I want to win my bracket pools, but my greater desire is to appear as though I've accomplished as much as a result of some Rainman-without-the-deficiency-style supersmarts (like, if Dustin-Hoffman-in-Rainmain had seen into Tom-Cruise-in-Rainmain's alternate-universe future as Jerry Maguire and partnered their souls).

You know how I would have achieved that goal this year (on 1 out of 3 brackets in 2 out of 4 pools) (and then had a much easier time coming up with a title for this post)? If Michigan State had defeated North Carolina in the championship game on Monday night.

Alas, things went the other way, apparently because the Tar Heels were a vastly superior basketball team to the Spartans.

How the hell was anybody supposed to know that?

Sunday, April 5, 2009

A Case Against Blogging

Do you have a blog? If so, great--your career's going places.

Also if so, are you self-involved? Of course you are; you have a blog.

Even further if so, do you use Google Analytics (or a similar program) to monitor your blog's traffic?

If not, maybe you shouldn't. It's a window into bad things. Bad things like the knowledge that 2 of the whopping 18 visitors (hold your applause) to this site on Saturday accessed it by looking up the phrases "iranianporn child" and "metroville fucking pictures", respectively:

(For the record, there is no child pornography--Iranian or otherwise--to be found on Metroville, but there is this. As for "metroville fucking pictures", your nightmare is as horrible as mine--probably less so, actually.)

I want my blankie, I want my mom, and I want to get the hell off the internet.

(But I won't, because it's there.)

Monday, March 23, 2009

Retired Baseball Player Turns Out Not to Have Been Retired, Retires

Although Curt Schilling was technically a member of the Boston Red Sox last season, considering that he did not appear in a single game, I had assumed that his contract was more or less an eight-million-dollar "thanks for your participation in the 2004 World Series victory" going-away present.

But Curt Schilling ain't going out like that!

Instead, he opted to go out like this, on his blog.

Awkward.

Still, though--I, like all Red Sox fans, will always very much appreciate that business in 2004. (The other stuff, like the loving George W. Bush and the never shutting up? Not so much.)

Friday, March 20, 2009

WARNING: This Video Contains Offensive Pantomiming


DoSomething.org does many different things:

Some good, such as raising awareness of dating abuse...

Some well-intentioned-but-questionable, such as exploiting the Rihanna/Chris Brown incident in their efforts...

And some balls-in-your-Corn Flakes insensitive, such as recreating said incident through ham-fisted acting accompanied by a narration of the actual police report.

In the last case, they probably should have Done Something Else.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

The Hero the Internet Deserves, but Not the One It Needs Right Now?

While Christian Bale's infamous tirade on the set of Terminator: Salvation (and its kickass dance remix) certainly appears to posit the Dark Knight star as the raging villain to put-upon cinematographer Shane Hurlbut, Radar reports that perhaps things are not what they seem in Gotham City.

According to the site, Bale's verbal assault on Hurlbut made him "a hero to cast and crew", many of whom paint a picture of the director of photography less resembling an innocent passerby and more in line with the Penguin, a condescending taskmaster prone to instructing his underlings to "stab [themselves] in the head".

WHO are the real victims here, and who is the hero?

WILL the publicity over this incident help or hurt Terminator's box office performance this summer?

WHY won't I bother to think of a third question to ask in this fashion?

Tune in next week...same bat-time, same bat--okay, I think I've pumped this well dry.

[Radar via Defamer]

Monday, February 2, 2009

Buzzsaw Unplugged

Seconds after the Arizona Cardinals' Larry Fitzgerald made an insane, 64-yard reception-and-run for a go-ahead touchdown with less than three minutes remaining in Super Bowl XLIII on Sunday, I produced my iPhone and typed out a congratulatory email to Deadspin founder Will Leitch, an honorably loyal-for-life fan of the perennial doormat that was, at that moment, on the verge of an impossible victory. I didn't send the email, mind you--as a born-and-bred supporter of Boston-area professional sports teams since long before the region's recent run of championships, I possess the forethought to never risk jinxing an underdog (especially one whose fans are not apparent among the wildly arbitrary accusations of racism that occasionally compel me to make a frowny-face on the internet); at the same time, I wanted it to be among the first five hundred emails that Leitch would receive after the Cardinals defeated the Pittsburgh Steelers, because I'm self-important. So I had it ready.

Then a bunch of ridiculous things happened in the game and the Steelers came back to win it, 27-23.

It wasn't my fault, Will and the few dozen Arizona Cardinals fans who actually exist. It wasn't my fault!

Let it be known in my defense that I bet a substantial amount of American dollars on the Cardinals without the points (Pittsburgh was favored by 6 1/2). So your moral loss, Arizona Cardinals fans, is my financial loss...unless you also bet on the Cardinals without the points.

Then again, a real fan of the team would've done that anyway...so, come to think of it...this is really my loss more than anyone's.

What the F, Cardinals?! Two Super Bowls in a row, I get my heart broken??

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Nerds Confusing Nerds Confusing Nerds


Excited for the revamped Star Trek, nerds? Especially since the new trailer premiered last weekend?

Well, that thing's only been online for about 24 hours, and nerds--who, as you know, nerds, are known to work fast when it comes to this sort of thing--have recut it as the opening title sequence of what I can only imagine you would find a sacrilegious fusion of one of your favorite nerd things and "Beverly Hills, 90210" (plus what I believe is a reference to the guy who plays Spock's character's name on that terrible program "Heroes", which I understand you also like). To add insult to injury, the production quality is low.

Take that, nerds! say...um...some other nerds.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

He's Her Son! (Slap) He's Her Grandson! (Slap)

It's a holiday weekend, so Metroville has decided to break the routine of linking to factually verified news stories and bring you some unsubstantiated spicy meatballs:

Newly minted Republican vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin's infant son is not her son; rather, he is her grandson, illegitimately birthed by Palin's 16-year-old daughter.

If that bit of insanity turns out to be true, I've hit the blogosphere jackpot. If it turns out to be false, all blame falls to the Daily Kos website.

The important thing is that you were impressed by my Chinatown reference.

UPDATE (09/01): Palin's baby is her baby...but her 17-year old daughter Bristol is also with child out of wedlock. Still scandalous, but not scandalous enough to qualify Metroville's attempt to move into the realm of hot-gossip blogging. Looks like it's back to linking CNN and MSNBC for me.


Thanks to Jennifer for the tip.

Friday, June 27, 2008

The Sports Goodbye

Given that Deadspin has been responsible for approximately 99.9% of Metroville's cross-posts, it's safe to assume that a majority of those who have found their way to this website are well aware that Deadspin founder Will Leitch is today bidding farewell to the virtual house that he built and moving on to--if not necessarily greener--less-specifically-internet-based pastures.

Naturally, my primary interest in this matter is in how it will affect me...and I fear that the outlook is bleak. Will Leitch started Deadspin in a humble desire to reclaim the national discourse on popular athletics from the long-winded jaws of allegedly professional journalists and give it back to the fans, to whom sports has always truly belonged. There exist countless pieces of publicly available evidence proving that Leitch has succeeded in his goal (the popularity of his most recent book, the rambling outbursts of bitter old men, his stupefying policy of allowing just about any jerk with an internet connection--including those who are fans of teams that did not originate in St. Louis--an open forum on his website, just to name a few), but I am privy to a comparatively minor effect that speaks volumes: No matter how more popular or more influential Deadspin became during the 18 months of Metroville's existence to date, Will Leitch never thought twice about sharing the viewpoints of a bush league hobbyist-blogger--who would often go a month without adding a new post--on his own prime piece of virtual real estate...and there are many other small-timers on the internet that have benefited from that same generosity. Deadspin was built in 2005 for the average sports fan; the very fact that as many people who are reading these words have even heard of this half-assed Blogspot offering stands as proof that, three years later--an infinity in internet time--on Deadspin, the fan still reigns supreme.

For as infrequently as I tend to my meager website, I can say with complete confidence that, were it not for the indirect encouragement I received each time Leitch linked to one of my posts, I'd be operating Metroville with about a fifth of the enthusiasm that I am currently; there's a good chance I might have even given it up entirely. Though you might not be able to tell it from my totally unbiased sports reporting, my wheelhouse is entertainment: that was the field I intended to favor when I started Metroville. To date, that cold bastard Mark Lisanti (RIP) and his Defamer cohorts have not linked to a single story I sent them. However, Defamer was responsible for turning me on to Deadspin, which in turn slowly but surely led me to abandon Bill Simmons as it opened my eyes to the fact that there were fans of sports teams other than those from the Boston area who could write funny things online. The rest is internet history.

As is Will Leitch.

As am I, most likely, as far as the general public is concerned...unless whoever takes the reins at Deadspin is as kindhearted and agreeable as his predecessor. If Kissing Suzy Kolber's Big Daddy Drew gets the keys to the castle, I'm most certainly toast--that foulmouthed Boston-hater has never done a single good thing for me in my life.

Regardless of what the future may hold for Deadspin, everyone who writes for it and the thousands more who read it can surely agree on one thing: It will be a lesser place for lacking its creator.

Cheers to you, Will, and best of luck in all your future endeavors. Were I a run-of-the-mill jackass Red Sox fan, I'd probably close with some backhanded non-compliment "thanking" you and your St. Louis Cardinals for the Sox' World Series victory in 2004. But you've always been better to me than that, so I will do the same in turn...

Let's both thank the New York Yankees for collapsing so spectacularly in the 2004 American League Division Series that nobody even remembers who the Red Sox played in the World Series.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Jaguars Get a Head Start on Rationalizing Loss to Patriots

The Jacksonville Jaguars thought it was pretty darn hilarious of them to keep an asterisk next to the New England Patriots' perfect record on their team website for the past four months--in reference to the "SpyGate" "scandal" from the first week of the season--but now that they actually have to face the Patriots in the AFC divisional playoff, they're apparently not feeling so funny anymore: on Friday, they removed the asterisk.

Jaguars.com senior editor Vic Ketchman contradictorily claims that the change was made because there was too much media coverage of the asterisk, but that the Jaguars are not retracting their position that the Patriots are cheaters. Why erase the only indicator of a position you don't want to retract just when it's becoming known to the world?

Unless, of course, the Jaguars want to hedge their bets and pretend as though they respected the Patriots all along after New England beats the hell out of them Saturday night.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

The Thing You're Staring At: The Movie

From The Net to Hackers to Pulse, I think we can all agree that movies about the internet are both awesome entertainments and virtual guarantees for box office success. But one thing that's always been missing from the genre is a film that focuses specifically on blogging, arguably the most cinematic activity in which a person can engage.

Thanks to Nora Ephron--living proof that having a hand in one decent romantic comedy equals a free pass for churning out two subsequent decades and counting of soul-deadening claptrap (including her own contribution to the fine canon of films that deal with people sitting in front of computers)--the cavernous void of blog-movies ("bloovies"?) is finally set to be filled with her adaptation of Julie Powell's book Julie and Julia: 365 Days, 524 Recipes, 1 Tiny Apartment Kitchen...in which Meryl Streep will play Julia Child.

While the idea of Meryl Streep playing Julia Child--although not necessarily appealing--is, at worst, strange, and certainly not sphincter-tensing, it appears to have nothing whatsoever to do with blogging. Not so fast. If you merely glance over the above-linked Variety article, you might miss this bone-chilling aspect of the film's plot:

"[The] frustrated temp secretary...chronicles her trials and tribulations in a blog that catches on with the food crowd."

You see, it's not just a movie about cooking. It's a movie about blogging about cooking. If I had to take a shot in the dark, I'd wager that it also might include a few montages set to bouncy music featuring Amy Adams' voiceover saying the things that she is typing while an ever-increasing amount of the aforementioned "food crowd" stare at computer screens in various locations and look amused.

If that prediction hasn't activated your gag reflex, you're probably my mom. Enjoy the movie, Mom!

Thursday, April 19, 2007

What Did the Chinese Dissident Say When He Received an Electric Shock to the Genitals?

If you think search engine companies are competitive in America, you ought to check out the action in China. In order to try and stay ahead there, Yahoo Inc. has opted not to settle for merely censoring its users--as Google and Microsoft have done--instead going the extra mile by directly assisting the government in the arrest of dissidents.

Seeing as the current Chinese policy for treatment of nonconformists usually involves slightly more than a slap on the wrist (see post title), the World Organization for Human Rights USA (whose acronym, when spoken aloud, would sound something like "War USA", which is kind of interesting) is claiming that by being complicit in the arrests of Chinese citizens, Yahoo is also complicit in their torture.

Yahoo's defense against this campaign is that its employees would face civil and criminal sanctions if they ignored local laws.

In other words: "We don't want our American-based nuts getting fried, so we're offering up some Chinese ones in their stead while continuing to profit greatly from the owners of the latter nuts."

Say what you will about the ethics of that policy, but you can't deny that it's good business sense. Hooray for the marriage of communism and capitalism!