Hey, Mickey! (clap-clap!) Don't Do That!

Since Mickey Rourke made his triumphant return to the limelight on the wings of his widely-acclaimed (and deservedly so) performance in The Wrestler, everyone--including those too young to have been aware of the actor during his original heyday--knows the story of his long, hard fall from respectability.

But now Mickey's back! He won a Golden Globe (and thanked his dogs in his acceptance speech)! He's a favorite to win the Oscar for Best Actor! He didn't win that category's SAG Award on Sunday, but that's okay!

You know what's not okay, though?

The fact that--a couple of hours before Mickey Rourke lost the aforementioned prize to Sean Penn--the Oscar-nominated star of The Wrestler announced that he will be participating in "Wrestlemania 25".

You shouldn't do that, Mickey. You really shouldn't do that.

At the very least, you shouldn't have announced that you were planning on doing that before the Academy Awards...'cause it is sure to cost you some votes.

Exactly how many votes remains to be seen, but--god forbid...it might be just enough to greenlight Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man Ride Again.

UPDATE (1/28): Defamer has the exclusive that Mickey, per my suggestion, will not be doing that. A wise choice on his part.

Golden Globe Awards Canceled; Streets To Be Choked With Blood of AMPTP Negotiators

Now you've gone and done it, Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers.

It's no secret that you don't give a rat's ass about the needs of the hardworking men and women who write the films and television shows that stuff your bottomless coffers with unimaginable amounts of cash; otherwise, the Writers' Guild of America would never have been forced to go on strike to begin with--or, at the very least, the work stoppage would be over by now instead of at nine weeks and counting. You've all but spit on the reasonable demands put forth by the WGA since day one, mockingly forgoing counter-offers in the name of jousting gay porn stars and cruel sociological experiments that test the limit of how unfunny a human being can possibly be (as well as some things that aren't on NBC), growing ever more confident in your belief that television--the medium more immediately impacted by the strike--doesn't need writers, that the world will lap up whatever regurgitated gruel you serve it with a smile on its face. (As for movies, you likely figured you wouldn't have to worry about those until the end of the summer.)

You almost got away with it, too...but you failed to consider the impact of the strike on a product near and dear to the consumers of popular entertainment: awards shows. Now that the official stance of the Screen Actors' Guild to not cross WGA picket has led to the cancellation of the Golden Globe Awards ceremony, your goose is cooked.

There's a lot that the masses will do without by way of entertainment (quality, logic, any sign of effort)...but if the AMPTP thinks it can take away their "famous people getting dressed up to stand on red carpets and talk about what they're wearing" and not face repercussions, it is in for a very rude--possibly violent--awakening.

I predict that, following a series of bloody protests enacted by average citizens against the AMPTP that will cost many lives, the writers' strike will be over by next Friday.

AARP The Magazine Cashes In on Sexagenarian Softcore Action Craze

In the time between when she emerged as "unexpectedly doable" at the 2007 Golden Globe Awards and when Will Ferrell, Jack Black and John C. Reilly musically expressed their sexual attraction towards her at the Oscars ceremony, Dame Helen Mirren firmly established herself as the over-sixty object of inappropriately lustful thoughts worldwide. Perhaps it was inevitable, then, that even a publication as seemingly innocuous as AARP The Magazine would utilize the sex appeal of the Oscar-winning actress du jour in an attempt to spice up the presentation of articles on the rising cost of prescription drugs and Rod Stewart concert promotions.

To be sure, the AARP cover isn't nearly as racy as that of February's Los Angeles Magazine featuring Mirren, but one can't expect a periodical aimed at America's retirement community to go whole-hog on the Helen Mirren sex train its first time out of the box; to do so would run the risk of eliminating a large percentage of their readership via coronary. What counts in the latest AARP The Magazine cover is what's implied...and what's implied is eventual full-frontal nudity.