'Junior 2: Paternity Suit'

Good luck blaming this one on DeVito, ya jackwagon.

You Know Who Hates Good Actors? Mortality.

That sumbitch just took from us Pete Postlethwaite--the spelling of whose surname I memorized after seeing In the Name of the Father in 1993 and haven't forgotten since.

Metroville's Movie Corner: Did I or Did I Not See 'Inception'?

I did.

No, I didn't.

Or did I?

Never mind that. What matters is that you think Christopher Nolan is a self-important douchebag--

Or is he?

Yes, he is.

What? No. How dare you.

Or don't I dare you?

What else were you going to do this weekend--clip your toenails while chasing down the deadbeats in your fantasy World Cup Soccer league?

Just go see Inception and forget about all that.

But also don't forget about any of it, ever.

Or do.

Tabloid Culture Sneaks In a Late-Year Victory

Regarding Brittany Murphy's death on Sunday, Courtney Hazlett of MSNBC.com's "The Scoop" made sure to mention that "there are speculative rumors of the usual Hollywood chemical abuse beginning to circulate".

Go get 'em, Courtney! You know all about these "Hollywood" people off of whose lives (and deaths) you make your living by blindly judging. They're the ones keeping you from your true calling of...

What, exactly? The Traveling Ass-Clown Circus? I'm not sure that's a real thing.

Metroville's Movie Corner 2026: Shia LaBeouf IS Terry Francona in 'Reverse the Curse'*

I've been telling my wife for years that Boston Red Sox manager Terry Francona is an older version of Shia LaBeouf. At last, I have found two video clips of the aforementioned individuals that (sort of) prove my case:






*(That might not turn out to be the exact title of the film; perhaps it'll be based on Stephen King and Stewart O'Nan's book.)

Unsolicited Reflections of Jake Busey

Gary Busey died today.*

*(NO, HE DID NOT. I just figured that would be more of a "grabber" opening for a post about that very much (?) alive man's offspring than the actual truth that a twitpic made me think of said spawn.)

Somewhere between ten and two hundred years ago, I lived out in Santa Monica (California...near the ocean). A stone's throw (literally--my roommates and I even had a girl do it one time) from my apartment stood a "Vons" grocery store on the corner of Wilshire Boulevard and Euclid Avenue that I visited regularly. One sunny summer afternoon, I found myself walking into that Vons at the very same moment that a gentleman and his lady-friend were walking out. I stepped aside to let them pass...at which point I all but shit my pants:

That "gentleman" was no gentleman! He was the guy who had tried to kill my beloved Michael J. Fox (and, slightly more recently, my appreciated Jodie Foster)!

But I let him go, anyway, 'cause he was super-scary.


Wonder what he's up to these days.

[Twitter]

A Second Look at Han Solo

See, kids? It's not always cool to not play by the rules.

[YouTube via IWatchStuff]

Metroville's Movie Corner: Decipher the Dialogue in the Bootleg 'Expendables' Trailer

I count 23 instances of attempts at spoken English in the bootleg trailer for The Expendables (seen below); following it are my results at translating them, sorted chronologically, along with my best guesses as to what actor is responsible.



(1) "Drop your guns!" - PASS/Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje?

(2) "Fat chance." - Transporter

(3) "whydooyooinssablamma." - Sylvester Stallone

(4) "I kill them ALL! I don't CARE!" - PASS/Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje?

(5) "wunsekkin..." - Sylvester Stallone

(6) "Gettin' a text." - Transporter 2

(7) "skyoodamee?" - Sylvester Stallone

(8) "North thing flower... AH! BLAH!" - PASS/Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje?

(9) "Shift it no!" - PASS/Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje?

(10) "How did two obvious professionals pass right through security?" - Julia Roberts' brother

(11) "Makes we one of 'em." - Dolph Lundgren (aka "Sacrilegious He-Man")

(12) "Bring it, happy feet!" - Sacrilegious He-Man [Ed. note: Hey, I guess he and Sylvester Stallone stayed friends even though he killed Rocky's black friend]

(14) "OF ALL KARMA!" - Sacrilegious He-Man

(15) "Again...the man's name." - The Cable Guy's Eric Roberts

(16) "You are done here!" - PASS [Ed. note: This guy sounds like the guy I thought was (but probably isn't) Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje; ironically, he resembles one of Akinnuoye-Agbaje's fellow 'Oz' cast members, David Zayas]

(17) "I OWN YOU!" - Eric Roberts [Ed. note: He appeared in an episode of 'Oz' as "Richard L'Italien"]

(18) "Who sent you?" - PASS/'Stone Cold' Steve Austin?

(19) "Your hairdresser!" - Sylvester Stallone [Ed. note: If that IS 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin he's talking to, that's superhilarious 'cause 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin is bald]

(20) "We will kill dis American disease!" - PASS/David Zayas?

(21) "What's he sayin'?" - Transporter 3

(22) "He said 'we're dead', wid an accent." - PASS/Tyrese?

(23) "FOOD, DESTRUCTION, FORTUNAYO." - PASS/the bad guy from the Saw movies?

Can you do any better?

(If so, shame on you.)

[YouTube]

Nobody Rips Motherf**kers' Throats Out

...or at least they don't like Patrick Swayze--who succumbed to pancreatic cancer on Monday at the age of 57--did in Road House:










RIP, Dalton. (And, okay, also Johnny Castle and Point Break.)

Samantha Baker Can't Believe They F**king Forgot Her Birthday; I Can't Believe John Hughes Is F**king Dead

And I have to suspect that I share that sentiment with anyone who grew up during the 1980s and cares at all about movies.

"Life moves pretty fast..." et cetera.



[YouTube]

Metroville's Movie Corner: Guess the Secret of 'Orphan's' Orphan

(a) She's a dude.

(b) She was dead the whole time.

(c) She's Macaulay Culkin.

Having seen Orphan, I can state with complete confidence that Esther's secret is one of the above or something else entirely.

You know what else I can state with complete confidence? That Katherine Heigl looks like Mr. Bill and hates women; that the computer-animated guinea pig you think is voiced by Flavor Flav is actually voiced by Tracy Morgan, which makes you a racist; and that Orphan (at the time of this posting) has a higher positive-rating total on Rotten Tomatoes than do The Ugly Truth and G-Force combined.

Also, anyone over the age of 17 who voluntarily goes to see Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince is a pedophile.

Panty-Sniffer Hopes to Kidnap, Drug and Eat Your Children on Christmas

Pictured above is Jedd Medefind of the Christian Alliance for Orphans; I know this because of the superimposed title.

But that's not all I think I know.

To wit:

(1) The two 'D's in Jedd's Medefind's first name refer to the "double-D" bra cup size. This means that Jedd Medefind is a pervert obsessed with feminine undergarments.

(2) The first syllable of Jedd Medefind's last name is "med", which is short for "medicine". This means that Jedd Medefind is a drug addict as well as a drug dealer.

(3) The last syllable of Jedd Medefind's last name is "find". This means that Jedd Medefind wants to find things to give drugs to and then have sex with.

(4) The name of the Christian Alliance for Orphans includes the word "orphans", which refers to children. This means that the things that Jedd Medefind wants to find, give drugs to and then have sex with are children--your children, probably...since that's also a thing I just thought of.

(5) The name of the Christian Alliance for Orphans includes the word "Christian", which refers to Christmas. This means that Jedd Medefind wants to find, give drugs to and have sex with your children on Christmas, which is Santa Claus' birthday.

(6) Jedd Medefind's mouth is open in the above picture. This means that Jedd Medefind wants to eat your children on top of everything else.

Unless you love rape, the illegal drug trade, kidnapping, child molestation and/or cannibalism, and you hate Santa Claus, you will join me in boycotting Jedd Medefind and the Christian Alliance for Orphans.

While it may be true that I made absolutely no effort to understand anything about Jedd Medefind or the Christian Alliance for Orphans beyond their names, I assure you that that does not mean that I am behaving like a fear-mongering, narcissistic twit...

Or at least not any more so than Jedd Medefind and the Christian Alliance for Orphans (and this lady and these pinheads) are behaving in reaction to a movie called "Orphan".

That Theme Song Goes with Anything

Leave it to the internet to finally make a worthy Star Wars spinoff.

Somewhat ironic that Tom Selleck was originally cast as Indiana Jones...

[YouTube via Movieline]

The Matthew McConaughey/Kate Beckinsale/Gary Oldman Dwarf-Based Rom-Com You Might Have Missed

According to the trailer for the unreleased 2003 film Tiptoes, "when the going gets rough, it's only the size of your heart that counts."

This statement is only half true for stars Matthew McConaughey, Kate Beckinsale and (especially) Gary Oldman, who plays a freaking dwarf in the movie. From their perspective, probably the other thing that counts is your agent's ability to keep potential career-ending mistakes buried.

[YouTube]

John Furia, Jr. - 1929-2009

In terms of modern celebrity, there are two kinds of artists: those of widespread fame and those who are subjectively famous, known primarily to students of their particular field and/or work.

Screen and television writer John Furia, Jr., who passed away on Friday, falls firmly into the "subjective celebrity" category for me. Had I not the privilege to know the man personally as well as to be taught by him, it's likely that I wouldn't know his name.

But I did, so I do...and I will remain forever grateful.

Here's to you, Professor Furia.

Metroville's Movie Corner: RANDOM TRIVIA EDITION

If you can name the one movie other than that of the first clip below in which the human actor (whose face is visible) appearing in said clip delivers what is widely regarded as a relatively superior performance, I will give you 1.21 million dollars. If your answer is incorrect, you owe me the same amount.

Clicking the 'play' button on the video binds you to the wager detailed above.

Ready?

Go.



You recognized Thomas F. Wilson, right? So you guessed it?

Well, guess what.

You guessed wrong, sucka! There isn't one movie--there's three!



Send me an email with your PayPal info.

Cinematic Illiterate to Publish Word Books

Only the most astute of cinephiles would have watched films as emotionally complex and thought-provoking as Rush Hour, Rush Hour 2 and Rush Hour 3 and realized that the director behind them was merely using motion pictures as a canvas upon which to cry out for his true passion, his destiny, his muse: the written word.

At long last, Brett Ratner is a book publisher. The question of his reading comprehension skills is moot; all that matters is that he made a X-Man movie and he knows Robert Evans.

[via Gawker]

'Orphan': Like 'Annie' but with Less Singing and More Murder

This movie is going to scare the crap out of Brad Pitt.

A Dog that Does Stuff Is a Thing; Naturally, that Thing Is a Movie Now

Can you believe, in the 800 years of its existence, that no one has had the creative wherewithal to turn Marmaduke--a life-shorteningly unfunny comic panel hinging on the premise that a large dog is absolutely fucking hilarious for no other reason than that it is large--into a movie?

Heresy averted!

Who's Watching the Watchmen? Small Children.

Grown-ups who refer to picture books as "novels" have long clung to Watchmen as some sort of proof that just because they live in their mothers' basements (literally or merely emotionally), that doesn't mean that their favorite medium is entirely juvenile.

Presumably, Harry Partridge of Newgrounds is a fan of Watchmen--as the intention of his video seems to be to humorously illuminate the disparity between the ostensible badassery of the source material and the childish tomfoolery of the nonexistent "Saturday Morning Watchmen"--but his intention fails to undermine the plausibility of such an animated program. Rather, it actually increases it.

(Same goes for anyone who dresses up in a fucking costume to go see the movie this weekend.)

[I Watch Stuff]