The Blindest Side

Say what you will about Jay Leno, you can't say the guy isn't blessed by good timing (scheduling timing, that is).

The man who lucked out by booking Hugh Grant on "The Tonight Show" following the latter's solicitation arrest in 1995--which forever turned the tide in the Leno-vs.-Letterman ratings battle--and scored Kanye West on the premiere episode of "The Jay Leno Show" the day after West's ass-bananas Taylor Swift-usurping at the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards has today completed somewhat of a hat trick:

On the very day that Conan O'Brien proved himself the bigger man by rejecting NBC's offer to remain the host of a bumped-to-12:05 version of "The Tonight Show" that would've accommodated Leno's merciless, self-serving quest to return to the 11:30 slot, who happens to be the lead guest on the canceled "Jay Leno Show"?

None other than Sandra Bullock, who is currently receiving acclaim for starring in a movie that made a lot of money for numbing NASCAR fans to their vague awareness of their own latent racism. Just as Leno used to be funny, Bullock once starred in Speed (which kicks ass).

Conan O'Brien Schools Jay Leno in Dignity; Comedy To Continue To Suffer as Result

Jay Leno hasn't been funny on television since he snookered the "Tonight Show" gig out from under the heels of the vastly-more-deserving David Letterman in 1992. In the years hence, Letterman has continued to rock-the-party hard (perchance a little too hard?) while Leno has stripped away every last piece of himself that used to be funny in order to cater to the George W. Bush-fetishizing, teabagging middle-Americans (who hate that goddamn nigger president SO MUCH--but not 'cause he's a nigger but 'cause he's whatever Glenn Beck says he is on the magic talkin' box) that've kept him chin-deep in vintage automobiles.

Leno chose to retire from "The Tonight Show" in 2009--a decision that he had announced five years in advance. When the moment arrived to hand the mantle to O'Brien, Leno--in all his narcissism--balked, making a deal with NBC for a new nightly show that would air before O'Brien. Now that "The Jay Leno Show" has spectacularly (and predictably) failed and with NBC proposing to keep both Leno and O'Brien via a Slap Chop bastardization of "The Tonight Show", Leno has one move to make if he has any modicum of decency and/or respect for his predecessors, his anointed successor, and the art of comedy as a whole--and that move is to actually retire.

So of course, he's not doing that, and Conan O'Brien is leaving NBC.

May Conan find a new show on Fox and crush Leno in the ratings.

[NYT via Movieline]

[UPDATE: In addition to my just being mean about Jay Leno, allow me to supplement it with some more nuanced thoughts from a top-shelf comedian (play the audio at the bottom of the linked page).]

NBC Affiliate's Integrity Struck, Killed by Antique Car

When WHDH-TV in Boston announced that it would be airing local news at 10 p.m. instead of Jay Leno's as-yet-undefined suckfest, it was a proud moment for the city of Boston and a nice little kick in the pants to the deeply unfunny Leno--a native of Andover, Ma.--for his refusal to retire gracefully.

Nothing lasts forever, though (save for, apparently, Jay Leno's cock-a-roach of a television career)...and in the case of WHDH's halcyon days of integrity, the total came out to 11: on Monday the station officially surrendered to its corporate overlord and acquiesced to publicly embracing the network's unkillable jester.

Adding insult to injury, WHDH owner Ed Ansin was compelled to release a humiliating statement saying that "he enjoys Leno's humor".

For god's sake, NBC--why didn't you just hang the poor bastard in the public square?

'Le-Yes, Boston?' 'Le-No, Jay.'

Jay Leno grew up in the Boston area, a fact that I--as both a native of the Boston area and a fan of things that don't suck (the 1919-2002 Boston Red Sox, the 1993-2007 Boston Celtics and the 1959-2000 New England Patriots notwithstanding)--have always found to be bothersome.

Apparently, Boston itself was always bothered by it, too. The city's NBC affiliate has announced that it will not be airing Leno's new 10 p.m. talk show that is scheduled to premiere in September.

Perhaps Jay Leno finds this passive boycott to be insulting. If so, perhaps Jay Leno might at last consider how Conan O'Brien (himself a Boston-area native) feels about Leno's bait-and-switch refusal to retire and the resultant distraction from Conan's ascendancy to the "Tonight Show" throne.

Special O'Fiction

The White House is pooping its pants about it; Fox News is emitting a comparatively much more enjoyable discharge about it; Keith Olbermann is probably regretting allowing Craig Ferguson to promote CBS about it.

All of these people (and many others) are taking issue with the fact that President Obama, while appearing on "The Tonight Show" on Thursday, compared his bowling skills to those commonly displayed at the Special Olympics...but they're doing it for the wrong reason.

This is not a sensitivity issue: Barack Obama--who is neither mentally nor physically disabled--did not disparage Special Olympics participants by equating them to himself; on the contrary, he complimented Special Olympics participants by equating them to the freaking President of the United States (deliberately, it should be noted, which is a key distinction from the last guy). He was wrong to do so, however, based on factuality: Barack Obama has gone on record (as seen in the above video) that his best bowling score is 129; by comparison, the highest bowling score of note at a recent Special Olympics event was 39--which would have given Obama a ninety-point edge.

"Special Olympics", my ass, Mr. President. You would own that shit.

Golden Globe Awards Canceled; Streets To Be Choked With Blood of AMPTP Negotiators

Now you've gone and done it, Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers.

It's no secret that you don't give a rat's ass about the needs of the hardworking men and women who write the films and television shows that stuff your bottomless coffers with unimaginable amounts of cash; otherwise, the Writers' Guild of America would never have been forced to go on strike to begin with--or, at the very least, the work stoppage would be over by now instead of at nine weeks and counting. You've all but spit on the reasonable demands put forth by the WGA since day one, mockingly forgoing counter-offers in the name of jousting gay porn stars and cruel sociological experiments that test the limit of how unfunny a human being can possibly be (as well as some things that aren't on NBC), growing ever more confident in your belief that television--the medium more immediately impacted by the strike--doesn't need writers, that the world will lap up whatever regurgitated gruel you serve it with a smile on its face. (As for movies, you likely figured you wouldn't have to worry about those until the end of the summer.)

You almost got away with it, too...but you failed to consider the impact of the strike on a product near and dear to the consumers of popular entertainment: awards shows. Now that the official stance of the Screen Actors' Guild to not cross WGA picket has led to the cancellation of the Golden Globe Awards ceremony, your goose is cooked.

There's a lot that the masses will do without by way of entertainment (quality, logic, any sign of effort)...but if the AMPTP thinks it can take away their "famous people getting dressed up to stand on red carpets and talk about what they're wearing" and not face repercussions, it is in for a very rude--possibly violent--awakening.

I predict that, following a series of bloody protests enacted by average citizens against the AMPTP that will cost many lives, the writers' strike will be over by next Friday.

'The Barry Gibb Talk Show' One Step Closer to Becoming Kind of a Reality

Now that the need to replace Conan O'Brien as the host of "Late Night" (when he leaves to finally end Jay Leno's reign of terror at "The Tonight Show") is a scant two years away, NBC seems to have realized that maybe they should begin exploring options other than Carson Daly (the Melba toast of television personalities, only not nearly as funny).

First to join the list of contenders? Jimmy Fallon. He's in talks to enter into a "holding deal" with NBC, which would lock him up with the network for any future television productions, be it a sitcom, a sketch show, or--ta-da!--a late night talk show.

Say what you will about Jimmy Fallon--that he cracked up in almost every sketch he appeared in on "Saturday Night Live", that he soiled the greatest moment any Red Sox fan will ever experience in his or her life, or Taxi--I personally feel that he would make an admirable successor to Conan O'Brien, if only for one reason:

He's not Carson Daly.

[Thanks to "Ronnie" for the tip.]

Second-Most-Predictable Comic on Television Draws Line at Most Predictable Joke in News

Craig Ferguson, the host of CBS' "The Late Late Show"--whose personal brand of consistently unfunny comedy is steeped in the Yakov Smirnoff tradition of "I'm from another country! Isn't that hilarious?"--made a point of not making a Britney-Spears-shaved-her-head joke on Monday night's broadcast, saying that "we shouldn't be attacking the vulnerable."

I don't know where Ferguson gets off telling people who they can and can't make fun of. The only person who's in a position to set an example like that is the number one late-night talk show host in the country...and the only way to attain that foothold is to tell the most mind-numbingly obvious jokes conceivable, night in and night out. It's also the only way to maintain the spot, so Ferguson's really fighting an unwinnable battle, here. He should stick to what he knows best: being ignored in favor of Conan O'Brien.