Ding, Dong (Etc.)

Nicely done, Mr. President.

Producing a falsely-doubted birth certificate and a highly-desired corpse makes for one hell of a week.

Can't Believe Buckles Buckled...

There is no reason for a perfectly healthy 110-year-old American war hero to die other than the stress that comes from realizing that the current U.S. President is less than one hundred-percent Caucasian.

Name me one other reason, you freedom-hating hippie liberals!

Side Effects May Include Dance Fever

Two years after the British revealed the possibility (along with the possibility of all kinds of other crazy shit), the Pentagon has confirmed to a CBS affiliate in Berkley, California that in 1994 the U.S. military proposed to build a so-called "Gay Bomb" that would defeat enemy combatants by making them want to have sex with one another.

While a Department of Defense spokesperson insists that the proposal (which included such patriotism-stirring verbiage as "One distasteful but completely non-lethal example would be strong aphrodisiacs, especially if the chemical also caused homosexual behavior") was immediately dismissed, Edward Hammond, a member of a Berkeley watchdog organization that tracks government spending who uncovered the information via the Freedom of Information Act, believes otherwise. He stated that "the Pentagon has used [the 'Gay Bomb' proposal] repeatedly and subsequently in an effort to promote non-lethal weapons, and in fact they submitted it to the highest scientific review body in the country for them to consider."

I'm no military strategist, but you know what I bet the next weapon the Pentagon tries to invent will be? A bomb that destroys the Freedom of Information Act. Then, if that fails, maybe an invisibility potion that everyone can use on themselves so that they can hide in a corner and cry uncontrollably. That's certainly what I would do.

Racism? In Germany?

The German military currently finds itself in hot water, now that a 2006 video featuring an army instructor motivating a soldier's bloodlust by ordering him to pretend that he's in the presence of black people has aired on national television.

The video--in which the instructor says to the soldier, "You are in the Bronx. A black van is stopping in front of you. Three African-Americans are getting out and they are insulting your mother in the worst ways. … Act."--has sparked outrage in America, notably among Bronx Borough President Adolfo Carrion Jr. and Al Sharpton (who stands a living example of one of racism's worst effects: if it involves black people, it's going to get Al Sharpton on TV), with many calling for disciplinary action from the German government.

Beyond the mere existence of the video--which is reprehensible in and of itself--what it is perhaps the most shocking aspect of this story is that it came from Germany. Germany! A country that to this point had boasted an absolutely squeaky-clean reputation in terms of racist or bigoted behavior! Though I may not be an expert in world history, I cannot think of a single instance where Germany has ever been associated with racism. And I'm pretty sure that I would know if such a thing had ever occurred, because I was home-schooled. By wolves.

Russian Soldiers Putting the 'Service' Back in 'Servicemen'

For all the talk about how brave and hardworking American soldiers are, it appears they could stand to learn a thing or two from their Russian counterparts about just how to "be all you can be". For starters, they could force one another into prostitution more often, like the resourceful young men (and I do only mean men) of interior troops unit No. 3727, stationed in St. Petersburg.

The office of that city's military prosecutor is launching an inquiry into claims made by the Soldiers' Mothers group ("a leading Russian nongovernment organization championing soldiers' rights"--apparently through emasculation, if the group's name is any indication) that a conscript in the aforementioned unit was forced into part-time employment in the world's oldest profession by fellow soldiers who beat him and demanded that he earn money for them. This incident is far from an isolated one (or, if you will, more than just a "wham, bam, thank you...sir"), according to Valentina Melnikova, the head of Soldiers' Mothers, who told the Associated Press that "there are certain military units where such things come up every once in a while." (Insofar as I am less than fluent in the Russian language, I can only assume that some degree of urgency was lost in the translation of that statement.)

While Russia's Interior Ministry is hard at work attempting to discredit the conscript who made the claim, human rights activist Ruslan Linkov has stated that allegations about soldiers from unit No. 3727 being forced into the sex-for-pay game have been around for several years but prosecutors continue to ignore them. Linkov asserts that forced male prostitution among the ranks of Russian servicemen stationed at home has become "a professional business"...and that "generals and colonels [are] among clients".

You hear that, American soldiers? Members of the Russian military are so loyal to their superiors that they're willing to do whatever it takes--whatever it takes--to please them (or, if they happen to be a little higher up the ladder themselves, pummelling their subordinates into doing it so that they can make money)! I declare that the men (sorry, ladies, but I think it seems pretty clear where the demand lies) of America's armed forces must rally themselves at once to join the international prostitution race, before Russia gets too far ahead and we find ourselves in another Cold War.