Can't Believe Buckles Buckled...

There is no reason for a perfectly healthy 110-year-old American war hero to die other than the stress that comes from realizing that the current U.S. President is less than one hundred-percent Caucasian.

Name me one other reason, you freedom-hating hippie liberals!

You Know Who Hates Good Actors? Mortality.

That sumbitch just took from us Pete Postlethwaite--the spelling of whose surname I memorized after seeing In the Name of the Father in 1993 and haven't forgotten since.

Quitting the KKK Is a Death Sentence

It might take 60 years or so--as was the case with West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd--but eventually the Klan will have their revenge.

No snitchin', whiteys. (And possibly no backsies.)

Who Created 'Trivial Pursuit' and Is Now Dead?

"Chris Hanley" is your answer? Are you sure?

Well, you're wrong: The man's name was actually Chris Haney. Now on to the next--

What? No... "Hanley" and "Haney" are two completely distinct words. Plus, it was for a pie piece...

Fuck you, I'm "cheating"! Don't bring Aunt Kathy into this! How about we have one fucking year where Thanksgiving isn't totally fucking ruined?!

(table flip)

Corey Haim Is Dead

Now let us all 1980s'-nostalgia-fueled hipsters commence pretending that we didn't see this coming ten years ago nor were we making jokes about it.

Tabloid Culture Sneaks In a Late-Year Victory

Regarding Brittany Murphy's death on Sunday, Courtney Hazlett of MSNBC.com's "The Scoop" made sure to mention that "there are speculative rumors of the usual Hollywood chemical abuse beginning to circulate".

Go get 'em, Courtney! You know all about these "Hollywood" people off of whose lives (and deaths) you make your living by blindly judging. They're the ones keeping you from your true calling of...

What, exactly? The Traveling Ass-Clown Circus? I'm not sure that's a real thing.

Nobody Rips Motherf**kers' Throats Out

...or at least they don't like Patrick Swayze--who succumbed to pancreatic cancer on Monday at the age of 57--did in Road House:










RIP, Dalton. (And, okay, also Johnny Castle and Point Break.)

Quick! Name Your Favorite DJ AM Song.

Unless you count the late Adam Goldstein's involvement with Crazy Town--which you didn't remember/know about until you read it just now--in which case you maybe recall the title of that one song they were known for--and even then, you can't, because to consider "Butterfly" DJ AM's song is to attribute "Push It" primarily to Spinderella--you can't.

But, as long as you're a proper narcissist, that hasn't stopped you from Tweeting your sadness about DJ AM's death, has it? Because he was on "Entourage" once and that makes him important...or at least certainly more so than the four people who didn't miraculously survive that plane crash last September and therefore had no chance to celebrate their new lease on life by fatally OD'ing less than twelve months later.

Those people never dated Nicole Richie and therefore do not warrant a second thought from the likes of John Mayer or any former cast member of "That '70s Show".*


*[Ed. note: I'll allow that Danny Masterson may have (along with Travis Barker and Goldstein's family members) actually known DJ AM as a human being and is therefore genuinely impacted by his death; Demi Moore's trucker-hat rack, on the other hand, gets no such pass.]

The Death of Ted Kennedy: Many Cons, One Pro

Massachusetts Senator Edward Kennedy--the "Lion of the Senate"--passed away on Tuesday.

Being that I am both a native of Massachusetts and a big fan of the rare politicians who actually care about the people they represent, this bums me out to no end (not to mention that I'm probably going to have to put my dad--who is essentially a Republican--on suicide watch: that's the kind of effect that Ted Kennedy had on people...especially Boston-area Irish Catholics who are dead ringers for him).

The 'cons' of Teddy's death are plentiful and obvious. The top three:

(1) He's dead.

(2) It further jeopardizes the chances for President Obama's proposed health care reform bill to pass while maintaining any element of actual "reform".

(3) The ignorant, Bush-loving, hate-filled racist troglodytes of Fox News and their ilk are all but certain to raise the issue of Chappaquiddick in discussing Kennedy's death, thus emboldening the dumbfuck right-wing "Christian" conservatives--both in their general viewing audience and on Capitol Hill--in their anti-humanity opposition to the aforementioned health care reform bill.

However...there is one 'pro' to be found in this tragic loss:

Edward Kennedy--unlike his brothers--wasn't murdered by an anti-humanity nutjob.

Suck it, antihumans! You missed one!

All hail Ted Kennedy!

Samantha Baker Can't Believe They F**king Forgot Her Birthday; I Can't Believe John Hughes Is F**king Dead

And I have to suspect that I share that sentiment with anyone who grew up during the 1980s and cares at all about movies.

"Life moves pretty fast..." et cetera.



[YouTube]

Everyone You Might Have Heard of Is Dead

Barely did this website--my mom's number twelve source for news--have time to pay glib, meaningless tribute to the passing of Ed McMahon last Tuesday when the Celebrity Grim Reaper expanded that incident into an all-out bender that claimed Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, pitchman Billy Mays and, most recently, impressionist Fred Travalena.

That's enough, Death! Very uncool of you to pull this shit while I was looking the other way.

Cash4Gold, MC Hammer Held for Questioning in Ed McMahon Death

Yeah, no, they aren't. Plus, one of them is a website.

But Ed McMahon is dead...and that is sad.

John Furia, Jr. - 1929-2009

In terms of modern celebrity, there are two kinds of artists: those of widespread fame and those who are subjectively famous, known primarily to students of their particular field and/or work.

Screen and television writer John Furia, Jr., who passed away on Friday, falls firmly into the "subjective celebrity" category for me. Had I not the privilege to know the man personally as well as to be taught by him, it's likely that I wouldn't know his name.

But I did, so I do...and I will remain forever grateful.

Here's to you, Professor Furia.

Lazy Sexual-Comical Metaphor Dies with Dorothy Zbornak

What now, Jeffrey Ross and the (inexplicably large amount of) others who rely upon "Bea Arthur" as their go-to reference for jokes about undesirable intercourse? What now?

Something about "Arli$$", perhaps? Is he still alive?

Rest In Peace, Obama's Grandma

Little more than twenty-four hours before she might [ed. note: that's a "might", mind you] have seen her grandson be elected as the first black President of the United States, Madelyn Dunham passed away late Sunday night at the age of 86.

Call me a cynical asshole, but if [ed. note: that's an "if", I hasten to point out] Barack Obama wins the election tomorrow, I wouldn't be surprised to see John McCain, his campaign and his supporters attribute the outcome to sympathy.

And if they're going to think that, I'm going to have go ahead and think that Mrs. Dunham deliberately timed her death--not just out of love for her grandson, but for her country.

Stay Cool Forever

If the world feels a little warmer today, that's because Paul Newman has parted ways with it.

In doing so, he has not only left behind such iconic screen characters as Eddie Felson, Cool Hand Luke, Butch Cassidy, Henry Gondorff and Reggie Dunlop, but--even more significantly--what will remain the gold standard--perhaps forever--to the good that an artist can do with his celebrity.

I'd like to say that I would eat 50 eggs in your honor, Paul...but I'm just not that cool.

And neither is anyone else besides you.

Sad Woooords

Remember when "comedy" and "stupidity" weren't mutually inclusive terms?

Yeah, me neither. Fortunately, there are books available to enlighten those of us too young to have witnessed George Carlin's prime as to why the man's death on Sunday represents as significant a cultural loss as everyone is saying it does.

Not interested in reading? You're probably a Dane Cook fan, then, and were therefore a lost cause to begin with.

Farewell, Lil' Russ

There were already precious few television news personalities who gave the impression that they cared more about the news than they did about simply being on television; with the sudden passing of NBC News' Washington bureau chief and "Meet the Press" moderator Tim Russert on Friday, that number has gotten even smaller.

Sad About the Death of Charlton Heston?

Perhaps Jeb Bush, in a remark from a 2003 speech directed at Heston when he stepped down as president of the NRA, will lighten your mood:

"Were it not for your active involvement, it's safe to say my brother may not have been president of the United States."

I don't care how many disco vampires Charlton Heston took out during his time on this mortal coil...that bit of business stays on his permanent record.

Now Will You Rent 'Sorcerer'?

Roy Scheider, best known as Police Chief Martin Brody in Jaws, passed away on Sunday at the age of 75.

He is perhaps least known for his role in Sorcerer, which you should rent.

Don't think it will fit in your Netflix (or Blockbuster Online) queue?

You're gonna need a bigger queue.