Metroville's Movie Corner: Decipher the Dialogue in the Bootleg 'Expendables' Trailer

I count 23 instances of attempts at spoken English in the bootleg trailer for The Expendables (seen below); following it are my results at translating them, sorted chronologically, along with my best guesses as to what actor is responsible.



(1) "Drop your guns!" - PASS/Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje?

(2) "Fat chance." - Transporter

(3) "whydooyooinssablamma." - Sylvester Stallone

(4) "I kill them ALL! I don't CARE!" - PASS/Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje?

(5) "wunsekkin..." - Sylvester Stallone

(6) "Gettin' a text." - Transporter 2

(7) "skyoodamee?" - Sylvester Stallone

(8) "North thing flower... AH! BLAH!" - PASS/Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje?

(9) "Shift it no!" - PASS/Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje?

(10) "How did two obvious professionals pass right through security?" - Julia Roberts' brother

(11) "Makes we one of 'em." - Dolph Lundgren (aka "Sacrilegious He-Man")

(12) "Bring it, happy feet!" - Sacrilegious He-Man [Ed. note: Hey, I guess he and Sylvester Stallone stayed friends even though he killed Rocky's black friend]

(14) "OF ALL KARMA!" - Sacrilegious He-Man

(15) "Again...the man's name." - The Cable Guy's Eric Roberts

(16) "You are done here!" - PASS [Ed. note: This guy sounds like the guy I thought was (but probably isn't) Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje; ironically, he resembles one of Akinnuoye-Agbaje's fellow 'Oz' cast members, David Zayas]

(17) "I OWN YOU!" - Eric Roberts [Ed. note: He appeared in an episode of 'Oz' as "Richard L'Italien"]

(18) "Who sent you?" - PASS/'Stone Cold' Steve Austin?

(19) "Your hairdresser!" - Sylvester Stallone [Ed. note: If that IS 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin he's talking to, that's superhilarious 'cause 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin is bald]

(20) "We will kill dis American disease!" - PASS/David Zayas?

(21) "What's he sayin'?" - Transporter 3

(22) "He said 'we're dead', wid an accent." - PASS/Tyrese?

(23) "FOOD, DESTRUCTION, FORTUNAYO." - PASS/the bad guy from the Saw movies?

Can you do any better?

(If so, shame on you.)

[YouTube]

The Matthew McConaughey/Kate Beckinsale/Gary Oldman Dwarf-Based Rom-Com You Might Have Missed

According to the trailer for the unreleased 2003 film Tiptoes, "when the going gets rough, it's only the size of your heart that counts."

This statement is only half true for stars Matthew McConaughey, Kate Beckinsale and (especially) Gary Oldman, who plays a freaking dwarf in the movie. From their perspective, probably the other thing that counts is your agent's ability to keep potential career-ending mistakes buried.

[YouTube]

'Orphan': Like 'Annie' but with Less Singing and More Murder

This movie is going to scare the crap out of Brad Pitt.

Nerds Confusing Nerds Confusing Nerds

Excited for the revamped Star Trek, nerds? Especially since the new trailer premiered last weekend?

Well, that thing's only been online for about 24 hours, and nerds--who, as you know, nerds, are known to work fast when it comes to this sort of thing--have recut it as the opening title sequence of what I can only imagine you would find a sacrilegious fusion of one of your favorite nerd things and "Beverly Hills, 90210" (plus what I believe is a reference to the guy who plays Spock's character's name on that terrible program "Heroes", which I understand you also like). To add insult to injury, the production quality is low.

Take that, nerds! say...um...some other nerds.

Family Film: With a Vengeance

As an obligatory fan of Minutemen--a Disney Channel offering targeted at nine-year-olds--about which I should not still be posting five months after its premiere, I'd be lying if I said I weren't somewhat impressed by an amateur trailer that makes the movie look like Die Hard 5.