Family Film: With a Vengeance

As an obligatory fan of Minutemen--a Disney Channel offering targeted at nine-year-olds--about which I should not still be posting five months after its premiere, I'd be lying if I said I weren't somewhat impressed by an amateur trailer that makes the movie look like Die Hard 5.

SLC Punk'd

From the Salt Lake Tribune:

"'Minutemen' is a nicely paced, simple comedy that, unlike other time-splitting stories, keeps the paradoxes of science at bay. Think of it as an undemanding version of 'Back to the Future'."

Can you imagine if you were the person who wrote Minutemen, and you'd spent like a year and a half extensively researching time travel theory--barbecuing your wee brain with books like The Nature of Space and Time, In Search of Schrödinger's Cat and The Fabric of Reality--in an attempt to imbue the story with as much scientific viability as possible, only to be told time and again to give up the ghost, the studio's position essentially being that "nobody cares about the science part"? Even further, can you imagine if you had been largely motivated to fight that ultimately futile battle by a reverence to Back to the Future, a movie that you loved above all others? Then Minutemen finally premieres...and you read that review (in the paper of the very city where the movie was filmed, no less)?

Personally, I would be upset.

Like, Misleading

Maybe you think it's weird that this is the second time that I, a grown man, have posted a music video from the same Disney Channel movie (and the third time that I've posted about the film--premiering Friday, January 25 at 8/7c--in some capacity)...but maybe I think it's weird that you read this meaningless blog so frequently as to be aware of that fact. So let's just stop judging each other and move on.

I don't know who Aly & AJ are but, relying on my previous two posts' worth of extensive knowledge of the DCOM (that stands for "Disney Channel Original Movie"--see? I'm well-versed) Minutemen, it is apparent to me that their video for "Like Whoa" has taken substantial liberties in how it depicts the storyline. I'm fairly certain that the plot of the comedy/sci-fi adventure does not center on saving that cheerleader from breaking her leg...but Aly & AJ clearly want you to think otherwise. Outside of the fact that we'd all like to live in a world where time stands still whenever it rains bronze M&Ms...what's their angle?

Oprah, Albom Renew Efforts to Eradicate Culture

If you like Oprah, that means you like whatever she tells you to like, and that means you like Mitch Albom...so have I got good news for you: Oprah is going to turn Albom's most recent bilious discharge of sanctimonious claptrap--or "book", as some choose to refer to it--For One More Day, into a TV movie!

(TV! That's where Oprah lives and everything with which you are familiar comes from and, ideally, returns to! Hooray!)

For One More Day, which tells the story of a suicidal baseball player who magically gets to spend a day with his dead mother, is a fine example of how far Albom has progressed as a writer since his first book, Tuesdays with Morrie, which tells the story of a sportswriter spending magical days with his dying mentor, or even his second book, The Five People You Meet in Heaven, which tells the story of a dead man who spends a magical journey magically meeting people he has magically touched in his magical life.

Both Heaven and Morrie were previously adapted into TV movies for ABC (on which the filmed version of Day will also air), with Oprah holding the reins on Morrie...and as long as soccer moms and the infirm continue to worship at the altar of Oprah because she's friends with celebrities, she's ostensibly sassy, and/or other people do it (and we all want to be like other people, don't we?) and keep phonies like Albom on the bestseller list (along with pretending to be interested in Steinbeck, Faulkner, et al, after actively ignoring them your whole life)...there is no end in sight.

If I'm crying, it's only because I'm so happy about this.

The Most TV-Movie-Ready Thing You've Ever Heard NOT One Step Closer to Becoming a TV Movie; Granada America are Lying Shadeballs

NONE OF THE FOLLOWING THAT IS NOT IN BOLD, ORIGINALLY POSTED ON FRIDAY, IS TRUE.

BEGIN LIES:

Have you heard the one about the crazy astronaut lady who drove 900 miles in a diaper to try to kill another lady who was into another astronaut that the crazy lady was also into? Of course you have.

And in a development that should surprise absolutely no one (Defamer is already days ahead of the curve in narrowing down prospective casting choices), the film rights to Lisa Marie Nowak's story have been optioned [Ed. note: dead link]--specifically, the film rights to a New York Times article about Lisa Marie Nowak's story, written by John Schwartz. The production company who ponied up an undisclosed sum for the piece is Granada America--yes, the Granada America, producers of such legendary made-for-TV fare as the Jason Priestly vehicle I Want to Marry Ryan Banks and The Twelve Days of Christmas Eve, starring Molly Shannon. They have gone on record as saying that the story will be developed "either for a feature or television film".

If Granada America actually believes that The Stalker Wore Space Underpants: The Lisa Marie Nowak Story will ever see the inside of a multiplex--as opposed to the living rooms of proud, NASA-supporting Americans, where it rightfully belongs--they certainly are shooting for the moon.

Get it? The moon? That's where astronauts have gone on occasion!

END LIES.

Once the original link reporting this news had vanished, I was compelled to inquire further, and found this. Apparently, The New York Times is saying that neither the newspaper nor John Schwartz has or plans a deal with Granada. Damn you, lying producers of "But Can They Sing?"!

UPDATE (02/11/07): John Schwartz, the very man who wrote the New York Times article at this center of this story, has been kind enough to comment on this post and further clarify the matter. As you can see in his explanation of how this false report ever got out in the first place (his second comment--the fifth one down), he's taking the fact that his name and reputation were used in a big fat lie on the part of Granada America with more grace and maturity than I would have. Maybe that's why he writes for one of the most respected publications in the world and I often spent large portions of weekdays in pajama pants.

Sidney Sheldon Definitely Dead; Not Creative Enough to Fake That

Airport novelist and originator of many terrible TV shows and movies Sidney Sheldon died Tuesday afternoon at the age of 89. Despite the fact that, at the time of this writing, no one has broken the news to his website (where, as seen in the image below, Sheldon appears to be communicating from beyond the grave), there's little question that a writer of escapist fiction who once said "I don't think you can fool the reader" would be neither confident nor skilled enough to falsify his own passing.