Congratulations, Republicans

Thank god (the white, Christian God, of course) that I resisted the urge to let Barack Obama's Iowa victory make me even slightly optimistic about America's future.

True to shoot-themselves-in- the-foot form, Democrats made Hillary Clinton the winner in Tuesday's New Hampshire primary, thereby establishing that their party has absolutely no idea whom they want to represent them in the 2008 presidential race.

Sure, the New Hampshire Republicans likewise gave majority support to a different candidate (John McCain) than their Iowa brethren had...but, come on. Conservative White Guy-vs.-Conservative White Guy versus Liberal Black Guy-vs.-More-or-Less-Liberal-But-Really-Whatever-the- Hell-Will-Get-Her-Elected Woman? As if the latter pair has a chance in hell (the Jewish Mexican Satan's Hell, of course), now.

Welcome back to George Bush's America. It's like we never left.

White People Are More Afraid of Women Than of Black Men

The results from Thursday night's Iowa caucuses are in...and, on the Democratic side, Barack Obama has defeated Hillary Clinton. With this outcome, the voters of Iowa have made a statement: America is slightly less terrified by the idea of a black president than by the idea of a female one.

The Democrats aren't the only party poised to bring down the status quo, however, as from the Republican side likewise emerged an unprecedented presidential candidate. Instead of the familiar right-wing, ultraconservative, evolution-disbelieving evangelical nutjob who usually emerges as the GOP frontrunner, the voters in Iowa have put their support behind former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee, a right-wing, ultraconservative, evolution-disbelieving evangelical nutjob who hides those qualities by looking like Gomer Pyle and amusingly being friends with Chuck Norris.

See you in New Hampshire, crazies!

Elderly Man Loses Job Due to Slow News Week

It wasn't very long ago when old women who spoke of "ho's" were embraced by America to the point of oversaturation...now a senior citizen of the less fair sex has been fired for doing the same thing.

One has to wonder: Is this a case of sexism in the workplace, or did Don Imus simply miss his window?