Litigiousabunga

Nancy Cartwright, the actress best (read: only) known as the voice of Bart Simpson, is a proud member of that religion that charges its members money to get rid of the alien ghosts living inside of them. She is now using her lone sort-of-talent to advertise said cult, with predictably disturbing results.

I'm no lawyer, but doesn't Fox own the copyright on Bart Simpson? And if that character is being used for profit without their consent, don't they have the right to sue to bring an end to such infringement?

You're an international conglomerate, Fox! Get off your asses and sue Nancy Cartwright and Scientology before any more commercials like the one heard above melt my childhood memories like those aliens melted in that volcano (or something) in that book that that bigoted creep who lived in his mother's basement and is now a messiah wrote!

[YouTube via Defamer]

Atlanta Family Broken-Hearted After Grandfather Declines to be Buried Alive

The Atlanta Braves may no longer be the perennial playoff presence that they once were, but the team has emerged as an early frontrunner to win this year's World Series of Passive-Aggressiveness.

In the same interview in which he openly admits that the Braves had all but told 41-year-old pitcher John Smoltz that they had no place for his wrinkly ass, general manager Frank Wren expresses shock over the fact that Smoltz declined Atlanta's offer, instead choosing to sign with the Boston Red Sox in a deal that could earn the veteran nearly five times the amount that his former team was offering.

While I, as a Red Sox fan, am less-than-completely enthused about Smoltz's potential in his new home, I certainly understand the man's decision: between a team that wanted him around simply for the sake that he'd be around and a team that was willing to give him a chance to actually serve a purpose--and that was willing to pay him a hell of a lot more for the opportunity--he chose the latter.

If your grandpa who's been living with you for the last twenty-plus years opts to skip town rather than be moved into the basement to die alone in the dark, Atlanta Braves, maybe you should just let him go. In your heart of hearts, it's exactly what you wanted to happen...and to cry otherwise to the press only makes you look like Homer Simpson.

George W. Bush on Greenhouse Gas Regulation: Can't Somebody Else Do It?

With less than six months remaining in his eight-year epic fail, President-illegal George W. Bush isn't even pretending to care about mankind anymore. On Friday, his administration publicly stated that it's leaving the responsibility to regulate greenhouse gases for the next president, in effect adopting the position of Homer Simpson's 1998 campaign for Sanitation Commissioner.

Grade School Confidential

I suppose once a television series--even an animated one--has been on the air long enough, life is bound to imitate it.

(Although on "The Simpsons", this story had a much happier ending. TV defeats real life once again.)

I Wonder If They've Tried Scaring Her

You know who doesn't find the above clip at all funny? This girl.