Global Warming Sets a Course For Adventure, Your Mind On a New Romance

The Coast Guard has some bad news for all the polar bear-loving, skyrocketing gas prices-complaining-about, not-wanting-the-planet-to-die hippies who have a problem with global warming: the rapidly melting ice in the Alaskan Arctic is opening up new routes for cruise ships.

Who has a problem now?

Certainly not Admiral Thad Allen, the head of the Coast Guard, who sums up the situation thusly: "I'm agnostic to the science and the debate about what the cause is. All I know is there's water where there didn't used to be."

That's just the kind of unassailable logic that the American people have come to expect from their protectors at home.

Bush Administration Deems Scientists Unnecessary

Continuing its quest to turn their president into an actual cartoon character before he leaves office, on Monday the Bush administration ruled that when it comes to deciding if construction projects could endanger animal species, scientists--what with their fancy book learnin' and "knowledge"--will no longer have a say in the matter.

Who will be making those calls from now on? Why, the agencies working on the construction projects, of course. No possibility for conflicts of interest there.

Suck it, nature!

Major American News Outlet Encourages Former Supermodel to Destroy Civilization

What gives, MSNBC? The news media had paid more than enough attention to the desperate attempt for self-promotion that was Tyra Banks' "imagine me as a super-hot Michelle Obama" Harper's Bazaar photo spread; there was no need for any self-respecting media outlet to take the non-story any further.

And yet, you did exactly that...in the process giving credence to nonsensical rumors that the poor man's Jerry Springer's pool cleaner has legitimate designs on becoming the First Lady of the United States of America.

People believe what you tell them, MSBNC. Therefore, what you've done is fast-tracked the potential for the death of not only America but humanity-based democracy worldwide. I hope you're happy.

Three or four years from now, when Earth is a waterless rock and its remaining inhabitants live fearfully beneath the iron fist of World President Oprah and her army of vengeful zombie polar bears, will your remaining corporate representatives think this "scoop" of yours was worth it?

I'd like to think not...but, in all likelihood, no one will give a damn. We'll all be too busy watching season 9 of "So You Think You Can Dance Without Sufficient Oxygen".

(I'm voting for the one who's pretty!)

George W. Bush on Greenhouse Gas Regulation: Can't Somebody Else Do It?

With less than six months remaining in his eight-year epic fail, President-illegal George W. Bush isn't even pretending to care about mankind anymore. On Friday, his administration publicly stated that it's leaving the responsibility to regulate greenhouse gases for the next president, in effect adopting the position of Homer Simpson's 1998 campaign for Sanitation Commissioner.

Like Most Sequels, 'Exxon Valdez 2' a Relative Disappointment

Disaster fans have been waiting 18 years since the Exxon Valdez spill for a nautical mishap that could harm the environment with like or perhaps even greater severity...and when the MS Nordkapp cruise ship ran aground in Antarctica on Tuesday [Ed. note: Did you notice that that link is from the future? Yeah, I can see into the future], some no doubt entertained the thought that their dream had become a reality. But alas, it was not to be.

While scientists at Spain's Antarctic base have detected the presence of trace amounts of hydrocarbons on the coastline where the accident occurred--thus confirming that fuel did spill from the ship and that the ecological system has been damaged--non-scientist spokespeople for the Hurtigruten Group, the company who owns the MS Nordkapp, are essentially saying they haven't seen any spilled oil and therefore there isn't any. Both solid arguments, but no matter who turns out to be right, it's clear by this point that the Nordkapp accident pales in every element--scope, drama, and oil-covered seals--to that of the Exxon Valdez.

Much like the world learned from Blues Brothers 2000 in 1998 (?), this incident further proves that the more time that passes in anticipation of a sequel, the harder it is for that sequel to reproduce the magic of its predecessor.