BEAT THIS HEADLINE:

"NPR Exec Caught On Tape Calling Tea Partiers 'Racist'"

I got one:

"Fish-Lizards Caught On Shore Like A Billion Years Ago Calling Sky 'Blue'"

"Ex-Massage Therapist's Rampage" Is Now a Phrase on the Books

Thanks, MSNBC, for making that happen.

And thank you more, ex-massage therapist who went on a gun rampage at a school board meeting in Panama City, FL, for failing to hit anyone you shot at--which otherwise would have made the phrase "ex-massage therapist's rampage" not so funny.

Thank you less for eventually taking your own life--which is never funny.

Nice save, "Today Show"! You felt the need to point out that the graffiti that the ex-massage therapist spray-painted on the wall before going on his unsuccessful gun rampage maybe referenced a Natalie Portman movie that nobody saw, thereby pulling an ultimately sad act closer back towards the realm of stupid.

(As for the lady who weakly hit the guy with her purse somewhere in the middle...God bless Florida and to all a Merry Christmas.)

Tabloid Culture Sneaks In a Late-Year Victory

Regarding Brittany Murphy's death on Sunday, Courtney Hazlett of MSNBC.com's "The Scoop" made sure to mention that "there are speculative rumors of the usual Hollywood chemical abuse beginning to circulate".

Go get 'em, Courtney! You know all about these "Hollywood" people off of whose lives (and deaths) you make your living by blindly judging. They're the ones keeping you from your true calling of...

What, exactly? The Traveling Ass-Clown Circus? I'm not sure that's a real thing.

Sports Writer Unaware of Sports Fans

I need to get off the internet.

I can't, of course, because doing so might force me to directly interact with other human beings. But if I could, I might have a better chance at avoiding articles like the most recent one from "NBC sports.com contributor" Tony DeMarco wherein the author critically wounds the Boston Red Sox's chances of winning the World Series this year by brazenly asserting that the Boston Red Sox will win the World Series this year.

Way to know your readers, DeJinxo. Sports fans are by nature superstitious; Red Sox fans are by nurture quite unhealthily superstitious; ergo, you are a big jerk with a stupid mustache.

Unless, of course, your prediction turns out to be accurate (knock on wood)...in which case you will be a great guy with a stupid mustache.

Can I Be a Dick for Two Seconds Regarding the Below Caption?

(1) No, you don't.

(2) Some people do.

To the video!

Stupefying Observations of Anonymous Boneheads Unfiltered and Publicized by Pseudo-Sentient Lava Lamp

Who says "entertainment news" is meaningless?

If it weren't for crackerjack journalists like Courtney Hazlett of MSNBC's "The Scoop", the world would be deprived of unverified third-party criticism of the upcoming film Valkyrie that is as probing and insightful as this gem:

"'The film just isn’t a thriller at all' said one 'Valkyrie' viewer. 'It’s a bunch of white guys in Nazi uniforms.'"

Nicely reported, Courtney. Rather than wasting any time addressing how in the hell the two quoted sentences are in any way related, you skipped right ahead to not inquiring of the alleged "viewer" what race and gender he or she mistakenly believes Nazi officers were. And then you presumably collected a paycheck. Because someone believes that what you do is journalism.

No, William Randolph Hearst and Joseph Pulitzer...thank YOU.

Phun with MSNBC Homepage Juxtaposition

Way to celebrate with class, Philly.

Major American News Outlet Encourages Former Supermodel to Destroy Civilization

What gives, MSNBC? The news media had paid more than enough attention to the desperate attempt for self-promotion that was Tyra Banks' "imagine me as a super-hot Michelle Obama" Harper's Bazaar photo spread; there was no need for any self-respecting media outlet to take the non-story any further.

And yet, you did exactly that...in the process giving credence to nonsensical rumors that the poor man's Jerry Springer's pool cleaner has legitimate designs on becoming the First Lady of the United States of America.

People believe what you tell them, MSBNC. Therefore, what you've done is fast-tracked the potential for the death of not only America but humanity-based democracy worldwide. I hope you're happy.

Three or four years from now, when Earth is a waterless rock and its remaining inhabitants live fearfully beneath the iron fist of World President Oprah and her army of vengeful zombie polar bears, will your remaining corporate representatives think this "scoop" of yours was worth it?

I'd like to think not...but, in all likelihood, no one will give a damn. We'll all be too busy watching season 9 of "So You Think You Can Dance Without Sufficient Oxygen".

(I'm voting for the one who's pretty!)

Farewell, Lil' Russ

There were already precious few television news personalities who gave the impression that they cared more about the news than they did about simply being on television; with the sudden passing of NBC News' Washington bureau chief and "Meet the Press" moderator Tim Russert on Friday, that number has gotten even smaller.

Dolemite Would Like a Word With the Researchers at Rice University

...or at the very least with MSNBC.com, who ought not try to be so cutesy with their headlines.

God help them if they're as glib about whatever scientists might "create" the opposite extreme, because then they'll have Will Smith to contend with.