Catholic Church: Boy-Diddling Priests Aren't Pedophiles--Just Filthy Homos

Organized religion ain't my thing, but I know many good people who are into it. A lot of them are Catholic (I was raised in the PepsiCo of faiths myself)...and I feel very bad for any of those folks who might've caught Bill Donohue's appearance on "Larry King Live" Wednesday night and his unfathomable defense of the latest pedophilia scandal:

If a boy that is molested by a priest has reached puberty, Donohue claims, it's not pedophilia; it's merely homosexuality.

So it's being gay, you see, that's the problem. Not the forcible sexual assault.

Let me thank you in advance, Catholic Church, on behalf of the first rapist who tries that defense in court: "My client could not possibly have raped that woman, your honor, because she had pubic hair. I insist that the charges be dropped on account of the defendant being straight."

(Side note: Sinead O'Connor finally grew hair!)

[Crooks And Liars via Gawker]

Hillary Clinton's Preferred Alternate Universe Discovered in Bush Country (and none of the preceding was a lesbian joke)

On Saturday, a lesbian won the mayoral race of the largest U.S. city to ever vote an openly homosexual candidate to that office--which I think is awesome.

That city, however, is Houston--which flies in the face of my beloved, east-coast-bred and west-coast-nurtured, hippie-liberal stereotypes of the home state of the Worst President Ever.

But, taking into account that Houston Mayor-elect Annise Parker beat out a black person for the job, it kind of makes sense:

The George Bush-loving rednecks of Houston--faced with what they no doubt viewed as a "lesser of two evils"-type of situation--obviously opted to stick it to the American Negro President and that uppity bitch (and current U.S. Secretary of State) who once challenged the former for the Democratic presidential candidacy by voting for a woman with short blonde hair and a penchant for pantsuits instead of a colored fella.

My liberal bigotry is once again validated; all is right (and/or wrong) with the world.