Jennifer Lopez to be Humiliated by Simon Cowell

Access Hollywood is reporting that, fresh off her stint saving the world (or perhaps not), Jennifer Lopez will perform on "American Idol" ("The show everyone watches but me!"™) on April 11.

On the one hand, it's nice to see that J-Lo is making an attempt to become a viable presence in the music industry again (unless you count that upcoming movie about the vampire salsa singer)...but on the other, I don't think it's fair that the producers of "American Idol" are allowing someone to audition so late into the season simply because she's famous.

In any event, I'm sure that the show--which purports up and down to be all about genuine singing ability--will prove to be harsh confines for Lopez, as vocal talent is something she definitively lacks. There's no way "American Idol" would have as poor a singer as Jennifer Lopez on the show and kiss up to her rather than derisively mock her. That would be extremely hypocritical.

Jennifer Lopez Saves the World

Sure, stories have abounded for years that Jennifer Lopez is cruel, demanding, and an attention-hogging devil woman...but the same people who are so quick to point out those facts always forget one thing:

J-Lo is famous, and is therefore a better person than you.

Amnesty International understands this, and that's why today they honored Lopez with a human rights award. For propriety's sake, the organization's official explanation for singling out Jenny From the Block as an "Artist for Amnesty" is her work on Bordertown, an upcoming film that examines the murders of women in a Mexican border city...but I notice that Antonio Banderas, Martin Sheen and director Gregory Nava--all of whom were also involved in the film in question--remain conspicuously award-less for their efforts.

The completely reasonable explanation? They're just not famous enough. (Also, none of them ever battled an Anaconda.)

Anaconda 3: Anaconda vs. Old Man

A 66-year-old Brazilian man has accomplished on his own something it once took the combined efforts of the late-20's incarnations of Jennifer Lopez and Ice Cube to do: defeated an anaconda.

When Joaquim Pereira came upon the sight of his 8-year-old grandson Mateus with a 16-foot-snake coiled around his neck and squeezing the life out of the boy on Thursday, he beat the thing with rocks and a knife (I wonder what his choice of alternating pattern was--bash, bash, stab? stab, bash, stab?) for half an hour until it released his grandson. Mateus survived, receiving 21 stitches on his chest where the snake had bitten him.

A 66-year-old man took on an anaconda and won! If only he could have been there for Owen Wilson back in '97. (SPOILER ALERT: Yeah, Owen Wilson gets eaten by the anaconda in Anaconda.)