Sad Monkey

"'If he wasn’t just back there behind that door crying, I don’t know what that look on his face is.' Because he just looks absolutely devastated as he comes through this door after essentially ending his eight year presidency. And it’s just really striking. He just looks absolutely devastated." - Jim Bourg, writing in Errol Morris' blog, in regards to the image seen above.

This pleases me.

Van Halen Also-Rans, Patti Smith to Make It Weird at Rock Hall Induction Ceremony

When Van Halen is inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in about an hour from now (in a ceremony that will be broadcast live for the first time), none of them will be in attendance.

Technically, two former members of the band are expected to show up in the persons of Sammy Hagar and recently fired bassist Michael Anthony--but, although Hagar was the last lead singer to tour with Van Halen (in 2004), the rumors of a reunion between David Lee Roth and the band (which has now been postponed indefinitely thanks to Eddie Van Halen's trip to rehab) for all intents and purposes instantly rendered him a solo artist once again, and Anthony either (a) hasn't gotten the news that he's been replaced by Eddie's 15-year-old son or (b) has no pride. In any case, drummer Alex Van Halen is going to skip the ceremony in an apparent show of solidarity with Eddie, while Roth--who was originally supposed to perform at the event with Velvet Revolver--has recently scrapped his appearance because Velvet Revolver only knows one Van Halen song.

Patti Smith, meanwhile, might actually show up tonight when she is also inducted into the Rock Hall, but she wants everyone to know that she thinks it's lame, in fact having written an op-ed piece in today's New York Times to accomplish as much. In the piece, Smith writes: "In the end it was my neighbors who put everything in perspective. An approving nod from the old Italian woman who sells me pasta. A high five from the postman. An embrace from the notary and his wife. And a shout from the sanitation man driving down my street: 'Hey, Patti, Hall of Fame. One for us.'"

Where does Patty Smith live, exactly--in a musical set in the 1930s? (And even in one of those, rarely do you see people hugging their notaries. And their notaries' wives.)

In any case, one has to wonder if she's going to bring her high-fiving postman as her date to the ceremony tonight to prove that she--like Sammy Hagar and Michael Anthony--is hell bent on finally marrying the anti-authoritative ideals of "rock music" with "showstopping social awkwardness". For those about to do the complete opposite of rock...we salute you.

The Most TV-Movie-Ready Thing You've Ever Heard NOT One Step Closer to Becoming a TV Movie; Granada America are Lying Shadeballs

NONE OF THE FOLLOWING THAT IS NOT IN BOLD, ORIGINALLY POSTED ON FRIDAY, IS TRUE.

BEGIN LIES:

Have you heard the one about the crazy astronaut lady who drove 900 miles in a diaper to try to kill another lady who was into another astronaut that the crazy lady was also into? Of course you have.

And in a development that should surprise absolutely no one (Defamer is already days ahead of the curve in narrowing down prospective casting choices), the film rights to Lisa Marie Nowak's story have been optioned [Ed. note: dead link]--specifically, the film rights to a New York Times article about Lisa Marie Nowak's story, written by John Schwartz. The production company who ponied up an undisclosed sum for the piece is Granada America--yes, the Granada America, producers of such legendary made-for-TV fare as the Jason Priestly vehicle I Want to Marry Ryan Banks and The Twelve Days of Christmas Eve, starring Molly Shannon. They have gone on record as saying that the story will be developed "either for a feature or television film".

If Granada America actually believes that The Stalker Wore Space Underpants: The Lisa Marie Nowak Story will ever see the inside of a multiplex--as opposed to the living rooms of proud, NASA-supporting Americans, where it rightfully belongs--they certainly are shooting for the moon.

Get it? The moon? That's where astronauts have gone on occasion!

END LIES.

Once the original link reporting this news had vanished, I was compelled to inquire further, and found this. Apparently, The New York Times is saying that neither the newspaper nor John Schwartz has or plans a deal with Granada. Damn you, lying producers of "But Can They Sing?"!

UPDATE (02/11/07): John Schwartz, the very man who wrote the New York Times article at this center of this story, has been kind enough to comment on this post and further clarify the matter. As you can see in his explanation of how this false report ever got out in the first place (his second comment--the fifth one down), he's taking the fact that his name and reputation were used in a big fat lie on the part of Granada America with more grace and maturity than I would have. Maybe that's why he writes for one of the most respected publications in the world and I often spent large portions of weekdays in pajama pants.