Tuesday, February 6, 2007

White Trash from Outer Space!

There once was a time when space travel was such a significant achievement that for a person to accomplish it more than likely indicated a level of character rendering him or her exempt from ever being qualified to appear on "The Jerry Springer Show".

Apparently, those days are over, as evinced by the kidnap-and-murder-attempting, diaper-wearing, git-yo-hands-off-my-man shenanigans of NASA astronaut Lisa Marie Nowak.

According to authorities, Nowak, a 43-year-old married mother of three, believed a woman named Colleen Shipman was a competitor for the affections of Navy Commander William Oefelein, an unmarried fellow astronaut. This Oefelein guy must be quite the catch, because Nowak drove 900 miles from Houston to Orlando to intercept Shipman at the airport (where Shipman was flying in from Houston) and--disguised in a wig and trench coat--try to carjack her with alternating tactics of crying and pepper spray. She never got a chance to use the BB gun, knife, steel mallet, rubber tubing and garbage bags she had also brought along before Shipman drove away and contacted the police.

In all of this, what truly makes Lisa Marie Nowak an American hero--someone little girls all over the country can really look up to--is that she wore a diaper for the entirety of her 900-mile drive so she wouldn't have to stop to go to the bathroom. I have many questions regarding Nowak's actions--why not fly to Orlando? what were the garbage bags for, Shipman's body or her own pride? instead of going after Shipman personally, why didn't she use her expertise as a robotics specialist to build a giant robot to attack the woman for her?--but the one tactic of hers that I understand completely was the use of the diapers.

That's just common sense.


Sandy Knauer said...

I thought of you when I heard this story earlier. Something told me you would find the humor in it.

suaros said...

I’ve heard that Tang can go right through you.

Donna C. said...

Hah! I laughed out loud when I heard this story. I wish they had video!

Stevo said...

The idea of diapers on a long drive has crossed my mind more than once.

I think a NASA-Springer episode has merit.

suaros said...

Hey Stevo, I like the Springer angle. Maybe the WB network could pick up a night of SpaceStation SMACKDOWN or, with enough raw footage, could put out the DVD version of 'When Astronauts Attack'. A full uninterrupted 8 hour program of space age scuffles where not one attacker has to stop for a bathroom break.

Sandy Knauer said...

Does the diaper mean she didn't know she would have to stop for gas?

suaros said...

Leave it to Sandy to bring some logic to the discussion. Good point. I assume our little space gal was more than capable of rigging up a hose and spigot to perform in-motion refueling.

Have you seen that space station? Looks like NASA pulled all the junk from failed missions and slapped it somewhere on that thing. Can you imagine what’s in a NASA supply cabinet? She and her space friends probably take that stuff home in the same way office workers grab pens and post-its. So, yea, she had her own siphon hose and spigot. All she needed to do was grab a few containers of fuel on her way out of the office one Friday.

After riding the shuttle, I’m sure cruise control in a Honda SR-V at 75 mph is nothing to her. She wouldn’t even have to squeeze her entire body out of the car to get to the gas tank.