Not once since moving from New England to Southern California have I not regretted my lack of access to a Dunkin' Donuts...until right now. Official-spokesman-less since the 1997 retirement of "Fred the Baker" (a.k.a. Michael Vale), Dunkin' Donuts has announced the hiring of a new pitchwoman:
Rachel f'ing Ray.
To be honest, I'm not entirely sure who Rachel Ray is or what she does. I think she has a cooking show (the above-linked
Boston Globe article describes her as a "TV personality"); I believe I've also seen some cookbooks that she has written or at least put her face on the covers of...best I can tell, she's a poor man's Martha Stewart.
Whatever the hell her credentials may be, what's offensive about this news is the fact that, from the looks of her, Rachel Ray
wouldn't know a doughnut if one were strangling to her death (an action, curiously enough, that the
Boston Globe editors
have chosen to depict in the Photoshopped image accompanying the aforementioned article). That is apparently just the reason why Dunkin' Donuts has hired her, as the company is attempting to "get beyond its doughnut heritage".
If Dunkin' Donuts wants to get beyond its doughnut heritage, it should
stop existing, because they're a food chain that first and foremost
sells doughnuts--it's right there in the name, and spelled more appealingly. People aren't turning to them for health food, and they never will, no matter whose image the company attaches to its advertising materials.
For my money, when contemplating my doughnut needs and the options therein, I'm reassured by the face of a man like Fred the Baker--that's a man who, when he talks about doughnuts, is clearly speaking from experience (true to the brand to the delicious end, Vale
died as a result of diabetes complications in 2005). When I see that gussied-up tart Rachel Ray (who the Globe article points out
couldn't even sell Crock-Pots when she tried), on the other hand, I'm tempted to call off my doughnut plans altogether and go eat an apple.
Or something.
Imagine that you're a racist, hate-spewing archconservative radio personality. Now imagine that Barack Obama has been hospitalized with chest pains. Would you make fun of that situation?
[OPTIONAL POST TEXTS (all hyperlinks lead to same page)]:
On Saturday night, the House of Representatives finally, barely passed the Affordable Health Care for America Act. All it took was 219 Democrats and 1 Republican, the latter of whom likely wouldn't have voted for H.R. 3962 if the former hadn't agreed to go all Christian-fundamentalist on the issue of abortion.
"A bullet to the head didn't kill Abraham Lincoln. It was...
The above title would apply if Frosted Flakes were one of the Kellogg products that contained peanut butter, which it is not.
If there's one thing John McCain has on Barack Obama, it's the elder candidate's trademark elderliness. Nobody does more voting than old people (regardless of their comprehension of the process), and the more mileage a presidential hopeful has, the better his chances are among the coveted demographic. 
Time and again, in the face of some pretty serious implications that he might have a friend or two named Dorothy, Anderson Cooper has persevered with nothing more than his own handsomeness and his feigned oblivion. If that little cancerous mole honestly thought it was going to take down the silver fox of CNN, it was out of its suspiciously well-groomed coconut.
Sure, it's great that you no longer weigh half a ton and were able to leave your house for the first time in five years. But seeing as you're still pushing 9 bills, maybe you ought to celebrate with a nice glass of water...and save the bubbly for, say, when you're able to move without the aid of a forklift.
Something is amiss in the Associated Press story that started making the rounds Tuesday evening reporting that Tommy Morrison--perhaps better known (to people who prefer crappy movies about white boxers to the real thing) for playing "Tommy 'Machine' Gunn" in the Rocky no one talks about than for his boxing career--who essentially retired over a decade ago after being diagnosed as HIV-positive, has been cleared to fight in West Virginia.
Today marks the beginning of a ban on smoking in public spaces in France, which essentially means the end of France. It might stick around for another year or so, but on January 1, 2008, when the ban extends to cafes and restaurants, the rest of the world can pretty much say au revoir to the whole (slightly less, by that point) stinking country.
Who would have ever thought that the practice of half-naked teenagers grinding their sweaty flesh against one another could pose a health risk? The Minnesota State High School League is thinking it now, as they've banned wrestling until February 6 after tracing 24 cases of herpes gladitorium reported by members of 10 different teams to a wrestling tournament known as the Clash Duals that took place in Rochester, MN December 29-30. There were two teams from Nebraska that participated in the tournament--Valentine and Omaha Skutt--and it's been determined that an unnamed young man from Valentine (naturally) is likely the engine that got the STD train rolling. He should totally mention this incident on his college applications--talk about making an impact in your community!
MSNBC.com is reporting that the use of some shampoos, soaps and lotions that contain lavender and tea tree oils can disrupt the hormonal balance in boys and enlarge their breasts. Hot.
