Palin '12!

Goddamn conservative media...

President-elect Barack Obama won't take office until nearly two months from now, and journalists are already trying to blame him for the germ warfare that will theoretically be brought upon America in 2013.

Wait a minute...2013? That would be one year after Obama's first term...

For the sake of his legacy, let's hope that Obama will have become embroiled in a sex scandal before then. If he is not--and America does suffer a terrorist attack prior to that time--let's hope that then-President Obama will at least have the good sense to retaliate towards a country that had absolutely nothing to do with said attack. Recent history has taught has that that kind of behavior pretty much guarantees a second term.

(Woooo! 'MERICA! [double-barreled pistol fire into the air])

K-E-Y... Why? Because He Resisted the Jew's Attempt to Take His Land

Try as I might to make this story funny, the AP's rather dry take reigns supreme:

"A Mickey Mouse lookalike who preached Islamic domination on a Hamas-affiliated children's television program was beaten to death in the show's final episode Friday."

Gangbusters.

Back in May, a Mickey Mouse knockoff named "Farfour" (complete with falsetto voice) made international headlines for being the star of a Palestinian TV show, "Tomorrow's Pioneers", that preached to kids such basic lessons as teamwork, identifying shapes and colors, and how to kill a Zionist Jew.

On the series' final episode, Sara, Farfour's teenage human co-host, was left to explain to her viewers--who had just watched their presumably beloved giant mouse expire at the hands of an "Israeli"--that Farfour "was martyred while defending his land" against "the killers of children".

That's entertainment...albeit not without flaws. On the one hand, "Tomorrow's Pioneers" went out the way it came in: spewing racist propaganda and inciting violence, which is kind of a bad thing. On the plus side, though, it offered a more satisfying conclusion than "The Sopranos".

Let's Stay Friends 4-EVA! (Or Until the First One of Us Explodes)

ABC News has exclusively obtained footage of an alleged Taliban "graduation" ceremony that was captured by a Pakistani journalist on June 9. The group of 300-some odd "graduates", which included boys as young as 12, was reportedly being dispersed to carry out attacks in the United States, Canada, Great Britain and Germany. But I think I speak for everyone when I ask the really important question:

Did they play that song by Vitamin C?

The leader of the team assigned to attack Great Britain, who was thoughtful enough to speak in English, had this to say to the assembled crowd:

"So let me say something about why we are going, along with my team, for a suicide attack in Britain. Whether my colleagues, companions and Muslim brothers die today or tonight, every drop of our blood will invigorate the Muslim (unintelligible)."

You've got to give him some amount of credit: at least that was more original than "San Dimas High School football RULES!"