Air Baghdads

I wish American journalists would ask George W. Bush the sort of hard questions that one of their Iraqi counterparts did on Sunday.

(By "ask", I mean "throw"...and by "questions", I mean "shoes".)

Palin '12!

Goddamn conservative media...

President-elect Barack Obama won't take office until nearly two months from now, and journalists are already trying to blame him for the germ warfare that will theoretically be brought upon America in 2013.

Wait a minute...2013? That would be one year after Obama's first term...

For the sake of his legacy, let's hope that Obama will have become embroiled in a sex scandal before then. If he is not--and America does suffer a terrorist attack prior to that time--let's hope that then-President Obama will at least have the good sense to retaliate towards a country that had absolutely nothing to do with said attack. Recent history has taught has that that kind of behavior pretty much guarantees a second term.

(Woooo! 'MERICA! [double-barreled pistol fire into the air])

The Undecided Voter's Rhyme-Based Guide to the 2008 Presidential Election

With one week remaining until The Most Important Presidential Election In History™, cable news informs me that there are still undecided voters in America (I don't personally know any, but far be it from me to disagree with what TV says). My well-documented bias towards Barack Obama in the current race notwithstanding, I am a registered Independent who officially favors neither Democrats nor Republicans, and especially not Ron Paul (to wit: I thought very highly of Ronald Reagan in the early 1980s, putting aside the fact that I also thought at the time that I was best friends with Knight Rider); I brazenly attest that this puts me in a unique position to offer advice to the potential jurors of the United States who are still uncertain about whom to cast their vote for when they step into the booth on November 4th...that is, some of them.

By no means do I feel qualified to address the theoretically-existent undecided voters who are capable of applying genuine thought and reason to the many issues at stake in this election--they're on their own, as far as my purposes here are concerned. This post is specifically targeted at the undecided voters who are leaning towards John McCain for no other reason than because the word "Obama" rhymes with the word "Osama":

If you wouldn't mind putting down that can of paint you're drinking from for a moment, I'd like to examine the issue of rhyming words vis-à-vis their value in the upcoming presidential election.

It's true--Barack Obama's last name rhymes with Osama bin Laden's first name. There are a lot of people who don't like Obama who would have you believe that this grammatical similarity indicates a substantive commonality between the current Democratic candidate for U.S. President and the evil mastermind behind the terrorist attacks of September 11th, 2001.

But have those people considered the words that rhyme with the words that describe things they do like? It's unlikely, because thinking and words hurt their brains. I ask you to do what they cannot, and contemplate the following selection of 25 rhymes:

Beer: Queer

Bill Engvall: Bilingual (which indicates a terrorist)

Bush: Rush (the band from Canada, which is a foreign country)

Camouflage: "Entourage"

Cheney: Brainy (and thinking is for faggots)

Christ: Feist (who is from Canada)

Football: Fútbol (which means "soccer", which is foreign)

Foreigner (the band): Foreigner (a foreign person)

Fox News: Cock Shoes (which--while not an actual thing--sounds pretty gay)

God: Zod (who tried to kill Superman)

Gun: Hun (who was a person from Asia, which is a foreign place)

Hate: Plate (which liberal elitists use when they eat)

Hunting: Punting (which is quitting)

Incest: Seacrest

Jesus: Pees Us

Larry the Cable Guy: Marry-Clark-Gable Guy

Limbaugh: Simba (who is from Africa, which is where black people are from)

NASCAR: Ass Czar

Palin: Gay Men

"Pro Life": "Go Fife" (and fifes are gay)

Racism: Chase Jism

Truck: Puck (which is used in hockey, which is from Canada)

War: Poor (which, coincidentally, is what the Iraq War made America)

Weapon: Stepin (as in “Fetchit”, who--although hilarious--was a black person)

White Power: Nice Flower (and flowers are gay)

I could go on, but no amount of further examples would ever change one fact that the average Obama-hater is quick to point out: Barack Obama's middle name is "Hussein", which is the same name as the last name of Saddam Hussein (who, although he had nothing to do with 9/11--unlike Osama bin Laden--is, thankfully, dead...also unlike Osama bin Laden).

If that's the kind of ostensible "logic" (for lack of a better term) that can influence your choice for the next President of the United States, there's really no effective counterpoint that I can present to you.

Except...oh, my god--

"Hussein" rhymes with "McCain"!

The Republican Party: Keepin' It Real

Say what you will about the GOP--that it's willfully ignorant, that it sustains itself on deceitful fear-mongering, that its blind allegiance to an unprecedentedly incompetent party-line president has buried America in a pit eight years deep--after what went down on the third night of the Republican National Convention, one thing you can't say is that Republicans are not out, loud and proud about their perpetual evildoing.

During his speech in St. Paul on Wednesday, Rudy "9/11" Giuliani--who (you might not remember because he hardly ever brings it up) was the outgoing mayor of the city that was the central target of the terrorist attacks on America on September 11, 2001, which the Bush administration inconceivably Play-Doh-Fun-Factoried into a rationale to start the Iraq War, which led directly to the energy crisis that is currently drowning the United States--actually got the entire crowd in the Xcel--ahem--Energy Center to chant, "Drill, baby, drill!" (as in: for oil, anywhere and everywhere, as opposed to exploring alternatives that would alleviate America's crippling dependency on fossil fuels and its resultant tendency to become embroiled in transcontinental fiascos in attempts to maintain said addiction). In response to Barack Obama's position that the Iraq War is a losing effort, Mayor Nine-One-One asserted that if America didn't win that war, Osama bin Laden and Al Qaeda did. While this would certainly be news to Osama bin Laden--who has never had anything whatsoever to do with the war in Iraq (and who has yet to be brought to justice for orchestrating the most devastating attack on American soil in history, FYI)--the Sheepublicans in attendance at the Xcel Energy Center (seriously, that's its name) responded to Giuliani's asinine remark with resounding cheers. But they cheered even louder when Rudolph the World Trade Center-Nosed Reindeer, whose public identity is based entirely on the fact that he once ran New York City, attacked the Democratic presidential candidate with the baseless claim that Wasilla, Alaska (pop. 9000)--the former mayoral realm of deer-in-the-headlights Republican vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin--was "not cosmopolitan enough" to earn Obama's respect. Honest to (white, Christian, heterosexual male) God, the Minnesota audience applauded that jab...paying no heed to the frying-pan-to-the-face irony that it was made by a person who is inextricably linked to a city that is not only one of the most liberal in America, but one of the most--if not the most--cosmopolitan on the planet (unless I was asleep while Manhattan was relocated to central Kansas for the duration of Rudy "Quick! Name the Two Different Numbers Closest to '10' that Combine to Make '20'!" Giuliani's eight years in office).

That average American's (provided that the average American has a net worth upwards of $52,000,000) straight-faced nonsense was, however, merely an appetizer to the brain-melting unreality that main event Sarah Palin--whose appearance on the podium was met with a standing ovation from some 18,000 robo-people that had never heard of her less than a week earlier--spewed forth in accordance with her masters' command:

WHAT SARAH SAID (in a falsely ad-libbed reaction to numerous signs throughout the Xcel Energy Center reading "HOCKEY MOMS 4 PALIN" that were suspiciously identical in their handwriting): "What's the difference between a hockey mom and a pitbull? Lipstick."

WHAT REALITY SAYS: That pandering punchline encapsulates the sole reason that the Republican party selected Sarah Palin as McCain's gimmick running mate: she has a vagina.

WHAT SARAH SAID: John McCain is an outsider to "the Washington elite".

WHAT REALITY SAYS: Given that George W. Bush--who currently inhabits the highest position in Washington--publicly and heartily endorsed John McCain two days prior to Palin's speech, Palin's description of her running mate is dizzyingly contradictory...probably to no one more so than the man himself.

WHAT SARAH SAID: The fact that Barack Obama has written two books is a bad thing.

WHAT REALITY SAYS: Having written two books is a bad thing only to people who hate thinking and reading (a.k.a. the Republican base).

WHAT SARAH SAID: In an attempt to mockingly exaggerate Republicans' perception of Democrats' perception of Obama, she alluded to the idea that Obama can "turn back the waters".

WHAT REALITY SAYS: She stole that joke from the previous night's episode of "The Daily Show" [jump ahead to 5:19]. (And she calls herself a right-wing extremist...)

WHAT SARAH SAID: Special interest groups and lobbyists were against McCain in 2000.

WHAT REALITY SAYS: That's because McCain's opponent in the 2000 Republican primary, George W. Bush, had more money than McCain had and therefore had the support of special interest groups and lobbyists...which John McCain now has in 2008, while his opponent, Barack Obama, has refused to accept one cent from lobbyists or special interest groups since the start of his campaign.

WHAT SARAH SAID: John McCain is the only candidate who has literally "fought for you" (referring to McCain's military service during the Vietnam War).

WHAT REALITY SAYS: No, he didn't. I wasn't even alive then. Besides--despite John McCain's heroics (which the Republican party hasn't been willing to fully acknowledge until 35 years after the fact, when it finally suits their purposes)--the Vietnam War wasn't fought for the American people; it was protracted solely to stroke the egos of a megalomaniacal U.S. president--who had no business holding office in the first place--and his like-minded administration. Thank (white, Christian, heterosexual male) God that has never happened again...

Right, potential President John McCain?

Oh--you're asleep? Because you're an septuagenarian ass-kicked shell of a human being who will be dead much sooner than later?

I understand.

Just pass me on to Sarah Palin, then. I'm confident that she can take on your potentially globally-resonant responsibilities. After all, she has driven kids to hockey practice a bunch of times.

Fox News Is About as Racist as Saddam Hussein Wasn't Responsible for 9/11

OMG can you believe it's been two days since Fox News referred to Michelle Obama as "Obama's baby mama" and the liberal media is still talking about it?

If the left-wing conspiracy had its way, people wouldn't have forgotten about Fox News anchor E.D. Hill describing an innocuous gesture exchanged between Barack and Michelle Obama as "a terrorist fist jab" (which is so last week) or Fox News contributor Liz Trotta openly wishing for Barack Obama's assassination (which is, um, last month! LOL) by now.

I swear, it's almost like an outspoken majority in the United States is finally starting to realize Fox News is run by an ultra-conservative with strong ties to the Bush administration or something and that administration came to power by illegitimate means then led the country into a war based on a lie or something and that pointless war led to the deaths of thousands of Americans or something.

WTVR! Heidi Montag says she's voting for John McCain so I'm totally doing that.

The British Are Going! The British Are Going!

BBC.com is reporting that British Prime Minister Tony Blair will announce a timetable for the withdrawal of his country's troops from Iraq on Wednesday.

This sets yet another new record for the embarrassment level of George W. Bush and his administration. Although Blair certainly has not represented the majority opinion of the United Kingdom's citizens regarding the Iraq War, the fact that Bush has had him in his pocket since 2003 at least made him look good. The prime minister, with his outspoken support for the U.S. involvement in Iraq, has served essentially as a high-class hooker for the president on an international scale: everyone else at the party knew that he was paid for, but there was no question that George had spared no expense to get the classiest-looking gal he could find.

The scheduling of Blair's timetable-for-withdrawal announcement, however, sends a very clear, very depressing message to Bush: even the hooker thinks the party he is paying her to be at has gotten a little too sketchy for her taste, and she's leaving without him.

Publicist Expects Us to Believe Ricky Martin Knows What 'Promulgate' Means

With Ricky Martin defending flipping the bird at a mention of George W. Bush during a recent concert in San Juan, the media seems to think that the story is the Puerto Rican singer's change of position on Bush (he performed at the president's 2001 inauguration ball) and his admirable conviction to speak out against the Iraq War.

But the real point of interest here (insofar as anything involving Ricky Martin can be deemed "interesting")? The email to the Associated Press explaining Martin's actions, ostensibly dictated by the man behind "Livin' la Vida Loca", contains the word "promulgate."

Not only did Ricky Martin's publicity team shatter their own espoused reality by attributing a five-dollar word to a former member of Menudo, they also completely wasted any attempt to send a message to George W. Bush. How could anyone possibly think that he would know what "promulgate" means? The minute you elevate a conversation from the realm of obscene gestures, you've taken it right out of the president's wheelhouse.

The Australian Prime Minister is a Purple Archmage*

In a nationally (his nation, not ours) televised interview on Sunday, Australian Prime Minister John Howard said that al-Qaida leaders in Iraq should "be praying as many times as possible for a victory, not only for [Barack] Obama but also for the Democrats" in the 2008 U.S. presidential elections.

When Howard's opponent for a fifth term, Labor candidate Kevin Rudd (who's pulling away from Howard in the latest opinion poll, a fact some are theorizing is motivating the the current PM to shoot his mouth off) pointed out that Howard's comments could harm Australia's future with a possible Democratic U.S. administration, the conservative Howard--a steadfast supporter of George W. Bush in the Iraq War--did not waiver in his douchebaggery, telling Parliament at Canberra, "I'm doing nothing of the kind. I don't retract anything I said."

Way to go, John...you've proven that you really are a fan of George W. Bush in that you've begun modeling your behavior after his in three easy steps: (1) say things that make you obstinate buffoon, then when (2) people point out that you're acting like an obstinate buffoon, giving you an opportunity to amend your stance, (3) act like even more of an obstinate buffoon until the entire world has turned against you.

Then you'll have them right where you want them.


*"Purple archmage" is Australian for "dick".

Molly Ivins, Last Non-Stereotypical Texan, has Died

Columnist and author Molly Ivins, who was a walking contradiction in that she was an outspoken, well-known Texan and not a gun-toting, Bible-thumping, pro-Bush crazy person, succumbed to a lengthy battle with breast cancer Wednesday evening at the age of 62. Although technically she was a California native (she moved to Houston with her family when she was a young girl), Ivins, with her colorful criticisms of the Iraq War, stood as a shining example of everything George W. Bush wants the rest of the world to think Texas (and, let's be honest, America) isn't. If you happen to be a Texan who isn't a yee-haw nutbag, the passing of Molly Ivins ought to make you particularly sad.

(On a side note, I'm concerned that my blog hasn't even been in existence for 48 hours and it already contains 2 obituaries. I hope that blind shaman wasn't right about me being a curse on the world--I've got five bucks riding on that bet.)