Sweep the Leg

Europeans really do take their soccer seriously. For example, during a recent match in Berlin, a 42-year-old German spectator was so enraged by a foul that took place that he ran out on to the field (or "pitch", if you want to be all soccer-y about it) and took out the offending player with a karate kick before attempting to further beat the hell out of him.

The player in question? An eight-year-old.

A police spokesman in the town of Hassoch, where the incident took place, theorized that the man was related to the kid who had been fouled, but stated that "it [wasn't] entirely clear".

I'm kind of hoping that the guy wasn't related to anybody involved with the game (after all, parents turning violent at children's sporting events is practically to be expected these days), and that he's just a really big fan of boys' soccer. And also maybe a ninja.

The Final Insult

Nick Pardo--the videographer who "amassed 70 hours of footage of [O.J.] Simpson from 2000 to 2005," for some reason--told the New York Post that O.J. has added himself to the list of possible fathers of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, having alleged that he first had a tryst with Anna Nicole around the time the two of them costarred in The Naked Gun 33 1/3.

What goes on in O.J. Simpson's mind? Does he really not understand that everyone on Earth--including the jurors who originally found him innocent in 1996--knows that he killed Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman...especially since he made a deal to write a book detailing exactly how he did it? Does he fancy himself nothing more than a beloved comedian who charms the public with his quips? He just might, having joked to Pardo: "I hope they don't do a DNA test on Anna Nicole's baby. If they find out [the baby] is mine, I don't want Fred Goldman trying to seize her money--or the baby herself."

Ha ha ha ha ha! He owes money to the guy whose son he stabbed to death! It's funny because it's true!

O.J. Simpson really might want to consider never talking again. To anyone. Ever.

Captain America Was Apparently Still Around; Is Dead

I'm not much of a comic book guy (read: I've seen a girl naked), but I do possess a passing familiarity with some of the bigger names in the realm: your Supermen, your Batmen, your Spider-Men. Captain America was a character who I hadn't heard much about in some time (maybe since I enjoyed the kickass TV movie about him in reruns), and I was pleased to recently learn that he was still around, currently playing a pivotal role in a Marvel series entitled "Civil War".

I also learned that, as of today, he's dead.

I think I'm depressed by this news; but, more urgently, I'm curious to know how nerds feel about it. Are they also sad? Are they happy? Was Captain America's death fitting to the arc of the story, if not altogether necessary? How will it effect their purchasing habits regarding pajamas and bed sheets?

Despite the many questions that this new information has raised for me, one sad fact seems clear. As I understand it, the "Civil War" storyline is intended as a metaphor for the current political climate. Now that Captain America is dead, I guess that means Bush wins. Nuts.

Frenchie Davis Supporters Mistake Weightism for Racism

Frenchie Davis, a former "American Idol" ("The show everyone watches but me!"™) contestant who was kicked off the show in 2003 after nude photos that she had posed for five years prior surfaced on the internet, is confused as to why current contestant Antonella Barba has been allowed to stay on "American Idol" even though she presently finds herself in pretty much the same situation, involving pictures taken much more recently than five years ago. Given that Davis is black and Barba is white, representatives for Davis and civil rights activists are eagerly crying racism in this matter, going so far as to stage a protest yesterday outside the Kodak Theater in Los Angeles, where "American Idol" tapes.

Although there are differences between Davis' situation and Barba's (mainly that the latter wasn't paid to pose for her racy photos nor did she have prior knowledge that the images would be posted to the internet), a civil rights violation has occurred here...and it's got nothing to do with race. It has entirely to do with the fact that Frenchie Davis is fat, while Antonella Barba is skinny.

Everyone knows that skinny people are more attractive than fat people, and nowhere is that delineation more important than in the realm of movies and television. The Antonella Barba scandal (including the full-on pornographic pictures that turned out to not even be of her [secondary link NSFW]), serves as nothing but good publicity for "American Idol", the producers of which can only benefit if people tune into the show for the sole purpose of picturing the contestants naked...but of course, people will only do so if the contestants in question are attractive--i.e., not fat. When the Frenchie Davis scandal broke in 2003, that was nothing but bad news for "American Idol". As talented a singer as Davis might have been, nobody wanted to picture her naked--and when stories about her being naked were all over the news, avoiding the mental image was practically impossible. Hence, Frenchie had to go.

And Barba will stay...that is, of course, until she is properly voted off "American Idol" because of her substandard singing ability, which I'm told is a problem (remember--I don't watch the show). She will not be a victim of racism, just as Frenchie Davis was not. Until people like Najee Ali--the community activist and founder of Project Islamic H.O.P.E. who has inserted himself as Davis' mouthpiece in this matter--(as well as Rosie O'Donnell, whose identification of the weight issue is nullified by the fact that she of all people also focused on race) realize that the real crime is to hide fat people behind the color of their skin, instead of allowing them to be prejudiced against simply for being fat...none of us will truly be free.

UPDATE: Defamer reports that, should her stint on "American Idol" fail to catapult Antonella Barba to musical superstardom, Joe Francis wants a piece. I'm willing to bet that Frenchie Davis did not receive such an offer back in '03.

Me vs. My Page-A-Day Mensa Puzzle Calendar - 03/07/07

QUESTION: "The names of three people are hidden in the sentence below. Can you find them? (The letters are in consecutive order.)

"It was a hard other choice: a car older than you or a new scooter."




MY ANSWER: "???"

ACTUAL ANSWER: "Asa, Dot, Carol"


CONSENSUS: I really hate you sometimes, Mensa calendar. The last time we did this, I got screwed specifically because I tried to find hidden words that existed consecutively within the sentence, one after the other. Thinking my lesson had been learned, that's exactly what I wasn't looking for in this puzzle...only to find out that what I didn't do was exactly what I would have needed to do in order to find the answers. Your inconsistency in format of instruction is exasperating.

Also: "Asa"? Really?

John Rocker Hates the Jews but Loves the Juice

Former major league relief pitcher (and current, uh...streaming video entrepreneur?) John Rocker might not like homosexuals, Hispanics, Asians, women, black people, the overweight, Jews, hair dye, the 7 train, or batteries, but one shouldn't take that to mean that there's nothing the all-purpose bigot doesn't not like--or at least doesn't hate. For example, he's allegedly been known to enjoy the occasional illegal performance-enhancing substance.

According to an SI.com exclusive report on an ongoing steroid sting in Florida, between April and July of 2003 Rocker received two prescriptions for somatropin (the human growth hormone). Rocker--who is named among several other athletes in the SI.com story--has denied this allegation, but I don't know why he's even bothering when the evidence speaks for him: during the aforementioned time period, John Rocker was limping to the end of his major league career with the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Nothing about that situation says "enhanced" to me.

Even if there's merit to the claim against Rocker, the SI.com article points out that "the clients [of the Palm Beach Rejuvenation Center and other clinics suspected to be suppliers of performance-enhancing drugs] appearing on invoices and customer lists are unlikely to face prosecution, because the targets of the raids and investigations are the members of the network of suppliers". So any way you slice it, Rocker's in the clear...and he can keep his focus on his burgeoning career selling racist t-shirts alongside Ms. Bikini Universe 2004. You really can't keep a good man down.

AARP The Magazine Cashes In on Sexagenarian Softcore Action Craze

In the time between when she emerged as "unexpectedly doable" at the 2007 Golden Globe Awards and when Will Ferrell, Jack Black and John C. Reilly musically expressed their sexual attraction towards her at the Oscars ceremony, Dame Helen Mirren firmly established herself as the over-sixty object of inappropriately lustful thoughts worldwide. Perhaps it was inevitable, then, that even a publication as seemingly innocuous as AARP The Magazine would utilize the sex appeal of the Oscar-winning actress du jour in an attempt to spice up the presentation of articles on the rising cost of prescription drugs and Rod Stewart concert promotions.

To be sure, the AARP cover isn't nearly as racy as that of February's Los Angeles Magazine featuring Mirren, but one can't expect a periodical aimed at America's retirement community to go whole-hog on the Helen Mirren sex train its first time out of the box; to do so would run the risk of eliminating a large percentage of their readership via coronary. What counts in the latest AARP The Magazine cover is what's implied...and what's implied is eventual full-frontal nudity.

Crazy Diaper-Wearing Astronaut Lady: The Sexy Emails Factor

Earlier this month, when the news broke that astronaut Lisa Marie Nowak had driven over 900 miles while wearing a diaper to confront (and possibly attempt to kidnap and/or murder) a romantic rival (y'know--that thing they're not making a movie about), most people assumed that her behavior was unjustified. To those people I now declare: sexy emails!

It turns out that Nowak's rage may have been fueled by the discovery [Ed. note: not the space shuttle] of "steamy e-mails" sent to fellow astronaut Bill Oefelein--the object of her affections--by fellow Bill-Oefelein-sexer-upper Colleen Shipman--the object of her pepper spray. While Oefelein was aboard the Space Shuttle Discovery [Ed. note: not the act of uncovering sexy emails] in December, Shipman sent him an email which included the passage, "Will have to control myself when I see you. First urge will be to rip your clothes off, throw you on the ground and love the hell out of you."

After reading that, how could Nowak have been expected not to embark on a frantic cross-country drive with the possible intent of shooting Shipman, cutting her into pieces and putting those pieces into garbage bags? Now that this evidence has come to light, it's reasonable to assume that all charges against Nowak will be dropped, and the general public can focus its attention on the even more fascinating revelation brought to light by this story:

They have email in space!

Zach Braff Now Making Charlie Sheen Money

Just last night, I was driving down Vine Street when I passed a billboard promoting NBC's Thursday night comedy lineup and it occurred to me that Zach Braff seems to think that he's way more famous than he actually is. Given that he stars in a TV show no one watches and has appeared in two feature films that no one saw, he is probably best known for listening to music.

Apparently, though, Braff's powerful self-delusion has taken hold of ABC TV Studio, who has handed him a $350,000-per-episode contract for a seventh season of "Scrubs". The deal makes Braff one of the highest-paid male actors in television, putting him in the ranks of "Two and a Half Men" star Charlie Sheen--with whom there is no way this is going to sit well. (Sure, neither of their shows is funny, but at least people actually watch the latter.)

While this is all good news for Braff, his agent, his real estate agent, his preferred car dealer, and the entirely hypothetical fanbase of "Scrubs", now that the actor has a no doubt reinvigorated commitment to his television career, there is one group of people greatly in danger of being left out in the cold:

Fans of movies where Zach Braff looks mopey while the Shins play.

Scooter Libby Finishes Trial with an .800 Batting Average

Obstruction of Justice: Guilty.

False Statements to FBI Investigators about Russert Conversation: Guilty.

False Statement to FBI Investigators about Cooper Conversation: Not Guilty.

Perjury to the Grand Jury about Russert Conversation: Guilty.

Perjury to the Grand Jury about Cooper Conversation: Guilty.

Don't let that miss on the second false statement charge get you down, Scooter. You've proven yourself more than capable of inclusion on any one of a number of prison baseball teams.

Me vs. My Page-A-Day Mensa Puzzle Calendar - 03/06/07

QUESTION: "A simple substitution code has been used to conceal a 'quote.' Work out the code to decipher the original words.

"Little Bo-Peep:
"QMFBTF EPOU CSJOH UIFN IPNF. J'N DPOTJEFSJOH B DBSFFS DIBOHF."




MY ANSWER: "Please don't bring them home. I'm considering a career change."

ACTUAL ANSWER: "Please don't bring them home. I'm considering a career change. (Code: A = B, B = C, C = D, etc.)"


CONSENSUS: I think we can rule out Little Bo-Peep as a suspect in the Zodiac murders. (But why does "I'm" get an apostrophe while "don't" doesn't?)

Lidle Shop of Horrors

You're a millionaire dentist whose home was destroyed as the result of a plane crash whose cause has yet to be determined but in which the two men on board the small aircraft were killed. What do you do?

If you answered "sue the widow of the richer of the two men", congratulations! You're Dr. Lawrence Rosenthal (and a dick)!

Apparently, being the kindhearted dentist to such low-income clients as Donald Trump, Bruce Springsteen and Catherine Zeta-Jones doesn't bring in quite enough cheddar to rent an apartment while the one that you own on the Upper East Side of Manhattan--itself worth several millions of dollars--is being repaired. That's been the situation for Rosenthal since October 11, when a Cirrus SR-20 carrying New York Yankees pitcher Cory Lidle and flight instructor Tyler Stanger crashed into his building, killing both men inside the plane.

The National Transportation Safety Board was unable to determine which of them was actually piloting the aircraft at the time of the accident, so it's a lucky break for Stanger's family that it was the famous baseball player and not Stanger who happened to have owned the plane...because if it were the other way around, Rosenthal would surely have just as quickly slapped them with a $7 million lawsuit. After all, there's absolutely no chance that a dentist who is already suing another public figure for $5 million could be greedy or unscrupulous.

Somewhere in heaven above him, his mama's proud of him.