K-E-Y... Why? Because He Resisted the Jew's Attempt to Take His Land

Try as I might to make this story funny, the AP's rather dry take reigns supreme:

"A Mickey Mouse lookalike who preached Islamic domination on a Hamas-affiliated children's television program was beaten to death in the show's final episode Friday."

Gangbusters.

Back in May, a Mickey Mouse knockoff named "Farfour" (complete with falsetto voice) made international headlines for being the star of a Palestinian TV show, "Tomorrow's Pioneers", that preached to kids such basic lessons as teamwork, identifying shapes and colors, and how to kill a Zionist Jew.

On the series' final episode, Sara, Farfour's teenage human co-host, was left to explain to her viewers--who had just watched their presumably beloved giant mouse expire at the hands of an "Israeli"--that Farfour "was martyred while defending his land" against "the killers of children".

That's entertainment...albeit not without flaws. On the one hand, "Tomorrow's Pioneers" went out the way it came in: spewing racist propaganda and inciting violence, which is kind of a bad thing. On the plus side, though, it offered a more satisfying conclusion than "The Sopranos".

It's Up to You, ___________, to Renew My Interest in the Boston Celtics

Throughout my childhood, I was a diehard Boston Celtics fan. Somewhere after the retirements of Larry Bird, Kevin McHale, Robert Parish, Dennis Johnson (R.I.P.) and Danny Ainge (who's currently, um, kind of hurting the team as its general manager), the death of Reggie Lewis (again, R.I.P.) and before the time when the Celtics became of one the worst teams in the NBA, I lost interest. Go figure. (And after the (actual) retirement of Michael Jordan, I all but lost interest in the NBA entirely.)

But the Celtics did so poorly last season that I couldn't help but start rooting for them again...rooting for them to lose so that they'd get the top pick in the 2007 draft and maybe give Celtics fans past and present something to cheer about.

They managed to screw that up, breaking an 18-game losing streak that--had it gone one more--would have guaranteed them the number-one spot on draft day. In the draft lottery last month, the Celtics came out with Number 5--a rather deep pick for a team as bad as them.

And moments ago, with the fifth overall pick in the 2007 NBA Draft, the Boston Celtics have selected...

NOBODY.

Before the second pick (which was Seattle's; they selected Kevin Durant) was announced, the Celtics traded their pick (along with Wally Szczerbiak and Delonte West) to Seattle--giving them #2 and #5--for 32-year-old Ray Allen.

Thanks for nothing, Danny Ainge.

(I wonder if there's any room on the Supersonics bandwagon...)

They're Bigger Than Lip-Syncing Jesus

For six long years, the world has been without music. In December, the deafening silence will finally be broken...when the Spice Girls go back on tour! [Ed. note: Girl Power!]

While Ginger Spice is implicitly trying to take credit for disbanding the group back in 2001 (she left in 1998 and the Spice Girls' one Gingerless album, 2000's Forever, did not sell very spicily), making the reunion all about her by likening the four other Spices to a collective husband she's been divorced from, you may be a bit surprised to learn who was the one true holdout:

According to ABC News, it was Sporty Spice, who remarked about the reunion, "I've always said, 'I don't want to do it.'"

Sporty Spice was the one who needed to be talked into this? Not Married-to-David-Beckham Spice, Eddie-Murphy-Paternity-Suit Spice, or the aforementioned Pretended-to-be-Princess-Diana-for-a-While Spice? (I would have even pegged Not-Much-Going-On-Either-But-at-Least-Way-More-Attractive-Than- Sporty-Spice Spice as somewhat less motivated to get back on the horse.) You think you know the Spice Girls...

In any event, the important thing is that the ladies will soon be entertaining the world (or at least 11 cities) again with their signature brand of high-kicks and flexing and jumping up and down while some songs play.

(Also, they're re-releasing their movie.)

Pat Coyle and the Cone of Safety

As if I weren't already ashamed by the simple fact that I have been neglecting my blogging-related responsibilities as of late (it may stun you to learn that I don't get paid for this), I have returned to the fold to discover that not only has my man crush Pat Coyle been diligently maintaining his own blog on a daily basis, but, two days ago, he successfully manipulated his Sports Marketing/Indianapolis Colts/English Writing Clinic website into a platform for a debate on the hot-button issue of human genitalia.

You think you've got balls? You don't. Pat Coyle's got balls.

(As well as something called a "cone of safety"...inside of which, I guess, is the only place one is free to talk about balls.)

Old Man Lied to by Idiot

As far more people than have any reason to already know (in a world that made any kind of sense, the actual number would be, uh...two), Paris Hilton appeared on "Larry King Live" last night to deliver her first post-imprisonment interview.

In said interview, Paris told Larry that she has never used drugs.

She also said some other things, apparently (she has found God, she can read, the sky is chartreuse...and so on). If you care about any of it--keeping in mind the fact that Paris Hilton told Larry King that she has never used drugs--shame on you. I didn't watch the interview and, for that very reason, I have to cease writing this post now to resume congratulating myself. Way to go, me!

Reason #3,043 to Hate People (Even If You Like Persons)

A 3- or 4-year-old girl gets hit by a car and has to be taken to a hospital.

That's terrible, and your heart goes out to her and her family. (Thankfully, the girl's injuries turned out to be non-life-threatening.)

When the driver who struck the girl stops to check on her, a group of men (part of a crowd of thousands that had gathered to celebrate the anniversary of news of the Emancipation Proclamation reaching Galveston) attacks and ends up beating the passenger of the car to death.

That's humanity at its finest, and all the heroes involved should be awfully proud of themselves.

A Talking Chair Will Soon Be Upon Us Once Again, and We Will Rejoice

You know who's making a comeback?

Pee-wee Herman.

You know who's surprised to find himself kind of looking forward to it?

Me.

Jesus Built My Hot Rod

In the nearly 120 years since the invention of the automobile, the world's roadways have been an anarchic wasteland of hedonism and brutality, with the only institution to regulate motorists' behavior being something called "laws". Mankind has waited in vain for the one true authority on driving safety--a bunch of old men who live in Rome and say that they're best friends with God--to straighten us all out.

At long last...the wait is over.

On Tuesday the Vatican issued a set of "Ten Commandments" for drivers, citing that automobiles can be "an occasion of sin"--in the realms, for example, of drinking and driving, picking up hookers, and, um...not praying in your car. The document is officially called "Guidelines for the Pastoral Care of the Road", and breaks down as such:

1. You shall not kill. Where have I heard that before?

2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm. No killing. We've established that. So this is more like nine commandments, isn't it?

3. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events. Drive with your eyes open. Check.

4. Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of accidents. But only if he has insurance, right?

5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin. Pass.

6. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so. How curious, given who wrote these rules, that this one clearly does not apply to the super-old. I call shenanigans.

7. Support the families of accident victims. What if the victim isn't dead yet? This seems to be a contradiction of commandment #4.

8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness. While driving? That seems pretty effing complicated.

9. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party. This one's for cup holders.

10. Feel responsible toward others.

Ooooohhhhh...responsible towards others! I've been doing this driving thing all wrong, what with the always-trying-to-kill-people. Thank Pete you've explained the rules of the road for us in your own unique style, Catholic Church. Where would the world be without you?

Josh Duhamel Is Smartalicious

If you choose to participate in cloying puff pieces that are nothing but terribly disguised promotions for Michael Bay "films", you might not come off looking as...let's say, scholarly...as you might have wanted to.

Example: Josh Duhamel--whose relationship with Fergie the AP story in question calls "a match made in Hollywood heaven with hot looks to match their hot careers" [Ed. note: Person who wrote the AP story, how do you sleep at night?]. The most colorful term he can come up with to describe his (lovely) lady (lumps) is "a real total star", in the process smashing two awkwardly-paired superlatives together like one imagines Optimus Prime collides with Megatron in the upcoming Paramount Pictures action movie Transformers, which I understand opens July 3.

Showing boldness on the level of the Autobot Ironhide, the 35-year-old Duhamel goes on to categorize the 27-year-old Ryan Gosling as an "actor [his] age", and explains that his career motivation stems from a need to "prove [him]self to be more than what people think they see"...in other words, more than meets the eye.

"People don't know what you're capable of until you actually do it," Duhamel remarks. And he's absolutely right...for now I know that Josh Duhamel is not capable of giving interviews.

Also: Transformers, Transformers, Transformers.

Let's Stay Friends 4-EVA! (Or Until the First One of Us Explodes)

ABC News has exclusively obtained footage of an alleged Taliban "graduation" ceremony that was captured by a Pakistani journalist on June 9. The group of 300-some odd "graduates", which included boys as young as 12, was reportedly being dispersed to carry out attacks in the United States, Canada, Great Britain and Germany. But I think I speak for everyone when I ask the really important question:

Did they play that song by Vitamin C?

The leader of the team assigned to attack Great Britain, who was thoughtful enough to speak in English, had this to say to the assembled crowd:

"So let me say something about why we are going, along with my team, for a suicide attack in Britain. Whether my colleagues, companions and Muslim brothers die today or tonight, every drop of our blood will invigorate the Muslim (unintelligible)."

You've got to give him some amount of credit: at least that was more original than "San Dimas High School football RULES!"

Rich White Kids Get Richer for Having Been Stereotyped as Rich White Kids

There's "I've been exonerated of a crime of which I was falsely accused" happy...and then there's "Ha-ha, we fooled you all and now I've doubled my trust fund, attendees of the poor-kids camp!" happy.

Based on the above picture, I wonder if Mike Nifong might try to re-open the case at least against the kid on the right before leaving office.

PAT COYLE UPDATE: Pat Coyle Has Noticed That People Noticed Pat Coyle

As I mentioned a mere two posts ago, I've fallen head over heels for the poet/Indianapolis Colts' Executive Director of Digital Business Pat Coyle.

It was a piece on Deadspin that blessedly brought Coyle into my life, and the attention that it unexpectedly thrust upon the ever-demure Coyle's blog has compelled the man himself to respond with his signature mix of unshakable vanillatude and needless exclamation points.

In his post from Friday, Coyle helpfully includes a screenshot of a site traffic chart from Google Analytics to illustrate how the previous day's offering "generated more buzz than anything [he's] ever posted". (While it appears that the level of "buzz" generated by all of Coyle's other writings amounts to approximately none whatsoever, you still can't accuse the man of lying.)

When I first read, on Coyle's blog, the words "a few bloggers had strong opinions about the story I told", my pace quickened as I could not suppress the instinctive hope that my muse would include me on his ensuing shortlist of "favorites". Alas, Coyle opted to tip his hat to, aside from Deadspin, a bible thumper (whose "strong opinion" amounted to "I liked the part when Pat Coyle talked about God"), a fellow white-collar soldier whose blog makes Coyle's look like The Brothers Karamazov, a guy who made fun of Sinbad...and no one else.

I made fun of Sinbad, Pat! How is it, then, that I didn't earn the commendation from you that I so desperately crave?

If my broken heart could speak, it might, fittingly enough, quote the very words you used in response to some of the "negative" comments directed your way on Deadspin:

"Yikes. It's like playing with fire!"

Yikes, indeed, Pat Coyle. Yikes, indeed.