I Love You, Pat Coyle

[Full disclosure: The source material in this post was snatched right off the coattails of Deadspin, the gold standard of sports-derived humor on the internet. I just couldn't help myself.]

As a Patriots fan, I used to be upset that New England puked up an 18-0 lead on the Indianapolis Colts in the 2007 AFC Championship Game in an eventual loss (you'd think that with eyes that big, Reche Caldwell could've not dropped a couple of passes) that allowed the Colts to go on and win a giveaway Super Bowl against a team led by the worst quarterback to ever appear in such a contest. And while I still think it would have been nice had Tom Brady not been able to get quite the early start on his offseason baby-making that he did, I have finally found something good that came of the Colts' Super Bowl victory:

The linguistic stylings of Pat Coyle.

Coyle, apparently, is the Executive Director of Digital Business for the Indianapolis Colts and as a member of the organization, he was able to partake in the Super Bowl ring ceremony Wednesday night. Let's ignore for our purposes the spurious validity of a team's "Executive Director of Digital Business" laying claim to a Super Bowl ring and focus instead on the magic that is Coyle's firsthand recap of the night's events.

The evening's alleged entertainment came courtesy of Sinbad (of "not being heard from in over a decade" fame), and one might presume that this cast a pall of sadness over the proceedings. Not in Indianapolis, and not for Pat Coyle! He in fact dedicates the bulk of his article to the altitudinous jokester, describing him as "flat out hilarious" and recounting an episode where he himself was "roasted" by Sinbad when he called into question Coyle's ability to assert himself in his marriage. Was Coyle angered by this affront? No, because--as he insightfully explains--"it was all in good fun." (He also unironically categorizes Sinbad's performance as "comedy".)

After expressing amazement over the fact that football fans in Indianapolis are interested in the Indianapolis Colts' Super Bowl rings ("Lots of people have asked me, 'are you getting a ring? did you get the ring yet?' and other similar questions"), Coyle backtracks to--from completely out of nowhere--drop some Jesus on us, describing how the appearance of a gospel choir helpfully reminded him that "all good and perfect things come from God."

He certainly does work in mysterious ways--I'll give you that much, Coyle. For while I had for many months been saddened by the Colts' Super Bowl victory, seeing it as a reminder of the Patriots' failure, I now see that it needed to happen in order to bring you into my life...and bless me with eternal gratitude for the collective fact that I don't live in Indianapolis and I never will.