Let This Finally Be the Death of the Molestache

See that guy in the picture? He raped a 3-year-old. Of course, you didn't need me tell you that; all you had to do was take a look at the mustache.

If the world gleans nothing else from the truly appalling tale of absolutely deplorable scumbag Chester A. Stiles (certainly not to be confused with Rupert "Stiles" Stilinski, friend to the hirsute teenager and a non-raper of children) (in addition to the knowledge that the world is a terrible, terrible place), let it be a definitive understanding among all men who voluntarily sport a wispy track of hair along their upper lips that doing so makes them look like child molesters.

It doesn't matter if you're 14 or 104: if you are unable to grow a full mustache, don't wear a mustache. That thing under your nose that looks like it could be easily removed by splashing milk on it and having a cat lick it off (I'm looking at you, 95% of the male employees of every Taco Bell in the Los Angeles area) isn't what you think it is. It's a Molestache. (If you are able to grow a full mustache but are not (a) Tom Selleck, (b) Sam Elliott or possibly (c) a self-amused ironic hipster (and I've learned from experience that one is still really pushing it in the latter case)...you still shouldn't grow a mustache.)

I'm not saying that all potential sex offenders wear mustaches--just look at the above-linked CNN article and the picture of Darren Tuck, the guy who held on to the videotape of Stiles raping a 3-year-old girl for five months before turning it over to the police; he's rocking the goatee but no 'stache (a style choice that, unfortunately, strengthens his resemblance to Boston Red Sox utility man Eric Hinske). What I am saying is that when people are looking for potential sex offenders, a good place to start is under the nose.

And if that isn't enough to make a man reconsider his Molestache...let me add that I have it on good authority that the look doesn't exactly drive the ladies wild.