Thursday, January 29, 2009

Harry Connick Jr. and Renee Zellweger Enjoyed Working with One Another on the Set of 'New in Town'

You know how I know that? Says it right there in the CNN caption of the above file photo.

What's crazy is that, in New in Town, Harry Connick Jr. and Renee Zellweger play two people who don't actually like each other, at first.

That's movie magic for you! As well as, apparently, journalism!

Wednesday, January 28, 2009


Nancy Cartwright, the actress best (read: only) known as the voice of Bart Simpson, is a proud member of that religion that charges its members money to get rid of the alien ghosts living inside of them. She is now using her lone sort-of-talent to advertise said cult, with predictably disturbing results.

I'm no lawyer, but doesn't Fox own the copyright on Bart Simpson? And if that character is being used for profit without their consent, don't they have the right to sue to bring an end to such infringement?

You're an international conglomerate, Fox! Get off your asses and sue Nancy Cartwright and Scientology before any more commercials like the one heard above melt my childhood memories like those aliens melted in that volcano (or something) in that book that that bigoted creep who lived in his mother's basement and is now a messiah wrote!

[YouTube via Defamer]

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Sad Monkey

"'If he wasn’t just back there behind that door crying, I don’t know what that look on his face is.' Because he just looks absolutely devastated as he comes through this door after essentially ending his eight year presidency. And it’s just really striking. He just looks absolutely devastated." - Jim Bourg, writing in Errol Morris' blog, in regards to the image seen above.

This pleases me.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Hey, Mickey! (clap-clap!) Don't Do That!

Since Mickey Rourke made his triumphant return to the limelight on the wings of his widely-acclaimed (and deservedly so) performance in The Wrestler, everyone--including those too young to have been aware of the actor during his original heyday--knows the story of his long, hard fall from respectability.

But now Mickey's back! He won a Golden Globe (and thanked his dogs in his acceptance speech)! He's a favorite to win the Oscar for Best Actor! He didn't win that category's SAG Award on Sunday, but that's okay!

You know what's not okay, though?

The fact that--a couple of hours before Mickey Rourke lost the aforementioned prize to Sean Penn--the Oscar-nominated star of The Wrestler announced that he will be participating in "Wrestlemania 25".

You shouldn't do that, Mickey. You really shouldn't do that.

At the very least, you shouldn't have announced that you were planning on doing that before the Academy Awards...'cause it is sure to cost you some votes.

Exactly how many votes remains to be seen, but--god might be just enough to greenlight Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man Ride Again.

UPDATE (1/28): Defamer has the exclusive that Mickey, per my suggestion, will not be doing that. A wise choice on his part.

Friday, January 23, 2009

All Hail President Memorex

Tenet 'A', derived from the Constitution of the United States of America, holds that Barack Obama became the U.S. President at twelve o'clock eastern standard time on January 20th, 2009, even though he hadn't been sworn in yet.

Tenet 'B', derived from racist crazy people, holds that Barack Obama was never the U.S. President on January 20th, 2009 because he didn't give a clean reading of the oath of office until the following day.

Given that Tenet 'B' represents a lingering devotion to a former president who willfully ignored his country's Constitution throughout two full terms in office and that Tenet 'A' represents said document, the two tenets cancel each other out. Thus emerges Tenet 'C', derived from Stephen Colbert.

Tenet 'C' holds that whatever person (or thing) appeared on camera as part of the live television broadcast of the presidential inauguration ceremony at noon EST on January 20th, 2009 automatically became the President of the United States; ergo, famed cellist Yo-Yo Ma was the leader of the free world from Tuesday to Wednesday (before Obama retook his presidential oath). turns out that even that airtight logic is only half true, at best.

At noon EST on the aforementioned date, when the world was seeing Yo-Yo Ma perform John Williams' "Air and Simple Gifts" as part of a quartet, they weren't actually hearing it; rather, they were hearing a pre-recorded version of the song.

This nationally-televised deception begs the question: Who the hell was president between January 20th and January 21st?

The only conclusion is that there were two co-presidents during that time--a Chinese artist born in France and a stereo system assembled in the United States.

(Boy, did we Americans miss a window to get away with some major felonies.)

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

The President So Nice, He Took the Oath Twice

Since Chief Justice John Roberts painfully botched his attempt to ad-lib the recitation of the Presidential Oath of Office on Tuesday, President Obama and he decided to do the whole thing over on Wednesday, just to be safe.

Oh, and probably also to keep the right-wing nutjobs at bay.

Hardcore Hope

Way to employ self-awareness in your choice of words, Detroit local news "Love Doctor".

Stupid Nerd Ruins Sports for All Us Awesome Jocks

You hear about that America-hating terrorist foreigner who got to be president on Tuesday--Hussein Mutombo al-Qaida, or whatever his name is? Not only did that Arab Muslim illegally prevent George W. Bush--the greatest president ever 'cause he used to get hammered a lot and I seen pictures of him in a cowboy hat and he don't trust words--from taking his God-given third term, turns out that goddamn Egyptian postponed sport games in the process! 'Merica sport games!

It's bad enough that that smart-talking Negro got his liberal media friends to make that sexy lady who likes guns cry--he had no right to keep us real Americans from exercising our right to watch televised sporting events at their previously-established times. Now how am I supposed to teach my kids to hate those jungle bunnies who dunk too much?

Whole country's going to hell, I tell ya. Turning socialist...or communist...or whatever either of those words mean.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

The American President

It appears as though he can think and read.

Let's see where that takes us.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Bush Stoically Concedes to Devouring by Velociraptor

You know that part in Jurassic Park where that guy is hunting a Velociraptor only to discover that he's actually been lured into a trap by another Velociraptor that was hunting him [clip above]? And right before he gets ripped to shreds, he goes, "Clever girl"?

This is like that. George W. Bush refusing to pardon Scooter Libby on his last day in office is like admitting that the Velociraptor that is about to kill you is clever--no more, no less.

The President-Illegal is dead, having been devoured by the Velociraptors of History (who also on Monday put Dick Cheney in a wheelchair). Long live the President-Actual!

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Counselor White Face Vs. the Brown Muppets, or Whatever

Fishrockit created an animated re-telling of the Star Wars trilogy based on the guesswork narration of an uninformed pseudo-viewer of the films, and it's gold like a golden suit.

They're Grrr...salmonella!

The above title would apply if Frosted Flakes were one of the Kellogg products that contained peanut butter, which it is not.

"Keebler Elves Out to Kill Your Ass" would have been a more truthful headline.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Man Murders Multiple Geese with Airplane Engines

Things worked out pretty well for the human beings in the care of Chesley B. Sullenberger on Thursday, though. Good on 'im.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Cash + Beer + Meat = Underage Daughter

How strong is the American economy? Strong enough that a farmer in Greenfield, California was willing to sell his 14-year-old daughter into marriage in exchange for $16,000, 100 cases of beer and "several cases of meat".

What a steal!

The father of the bride had second thoughts, though, once the purchaser of his child failed to make full payment. Naturally, pops notified the police about the faulty transaction, whereupon he was arrested on suspicion of human trafficking. Go figure.

And the Bush Legacy train rolls on.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Atlanta Family Broken-Hearted After Grandfather Declines to be Buried Alive

The Atlanta Braves may no longer be the perennial playoff presence that they once were, but the team has emerged as an early frontrunner to win this year's World Series of Passive-Aggressiveness.

In the same interview in which he openly admits that the Braves had all but told 41-year-old pitcher John Smoltz that they had no place for his wrinkly ass, general manager Frank Wren expresses shock over the fact that Smoltz declined Atlanta's offer, instead choosing to sign with the Boston Red Sox in a deal that could earn the veteran nearly five times the amount that his former team was offering.

While I, as a Red Sox fan, am less-than-completely enthused about Smoltz's potential in his new home, I certainly understand the man's decision: between a team that wanted him around simply for the sake that he'd be around and a team that was willing to give him a chance to actually serve a purpose--and that was willing to pay him a hell of a lot more for the opportunity--he chose the latter.

If your grandpa who's been living with you for the last twenty-plus years opts to skip town rather than be moved into the basement to die alone in the dark, Atlanta Braves, maybe you should just let him go. In your heart of hearts, it's exactly what you wanted to happen...and to cry otherwise to the press only makes you look like Homer Simpson.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Red Sox Nation Recognizes Rhode Island, [SEE UPDATE] Rights of Senior Citizens

While the New York Yankees have treated this year's free agent pool as their own personal game of Hungry Hungry Hippos--renewing with vigor their franchise mandate to morph into a league of cartoon villains--the Boston Red Sox have adopted a much less flashier approach, making acquisitions of the shruggable, "huh, that's interesting" variety.

This trend shows no sign of abating now that the Red Sox are close to signing Rhode Island native Rocco Baldelli, who has spent his career to date with the Tampa Bay (Artists Formerly Known as Devil) Rays.

As a Red Sox fan who grew up near Rhode Island, I like the Baldelli pickup. As a Red Sox fan who likes Red Sox players that aren't constantly injured, I'm feeling uncertain. As a Red Sox fan who has found an excuse to incorporate the New England-based convenience-store chain Cumberland Farms (Baldelli hails from the town of Cumberland) in a blog post, I'm over the moon.

UPDATE: The Red Sox will also be signing old-timer John Smoltz. Wasn't there already a movie about this?

Monday, January 5, 2009

President Who Didn't Give a Shit About You for 8 Years Desperately Craves Your Love

Having received his two weeks' notice to vacate the White House, George W. Bush has significantly ramped up his previous efforts to rewrite history and make it appear as though he ever cared about the country, the truth, humanity, morality, words or anything other than his sniveling, wretched self by self-publishing a book (a book! from the Bush administration!) entitled "Highlights of Accomplishment and Results".

Given that the online pamphlet clocks in at a whopping 50 pages--and despite that nearly half of those are dominated by pictures--it is likely that the outgoing President-Illegal had to have his legacy read to him. So, fine--that's one embarrassing mark on an otherwise spectacular presidency.

[via Gawker]

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Black Saturday

Damn you, National Football League. Damn you to hell.

As a New England Patriots fan, it was painful enough for me when my 11-5 team was inconceivably cockblocked from the playoffs by the busted-ass megalomaniacal quarterback of their division rival. The fact that the 8-8 San Diego Chargers--ever-so-fortunate to exist in a division that is the NFL equivalent of "Introductory Tambourine for Disabled Squirrels"--did make the postseason was salt in the wound. Conceive of that wound being located on your genitals and your genitals being on fire, then you might have an idea of how I felt about the comically-undeserving Chargers facing the despised-Manning-based and despised-in-general Indianapolis Colts in the AFC Wild Card round on Saturday.

Who could I possibly root for? Nobody, that's who. I wanted both teams to lose. Unfortunately, such an outcome is not allowed by the current NFL regulations.

Once the Chargers-Colts game went into overtime, I made the Sophie's Choice to root for Indianapolis. In keeping with my fan-karma this season, San Diego wasted no time in their march to victory.

An 8-8 team has reached the second round of the playoffs, while the 11-5 New England Patriots didn't make it past the regular season. I might not be very good at math, but I sure as hell know injustice when I see it.

Damn you, National Football League. Damn you to hell.

(And, I guess...go Buzzsaw.)

Does KFC Know About This?

Who'da thunk it: you need a permit to eat monkey meat in the United States. Better make sure your papers are in order, Colonel Sanders.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Fox News' New Year's Resolution: Take the Subtlety Out of Racism

Yes, Virginia, the crawl you see above does read "LET'S HOPE THE MAGIC NEGRO DOES A GOOD JOB".

God bless us, every one.