Wednesday, December 30, 2009

An M. Night Shyamalan New Year

Imagine that you're a racist, hate-spewing archconservative radio personality. Now imagine that Barack Obama has been hospitalized with chest pains. Would you make fun of that situation?

If so, you're Rush Limbaugh--and you're in the hospital with chest pains. BURN '010!

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Tabloid Culture Sneaks In a Late-Year Victory

Regarding Brittany Murphy's death on Sunday, Courtney Hazlett of's "The Scoop" made sure to mention that "there are speculative rumors of the usual Hollywood chemical abuse beginning to circulate".

Go get 'em, Courtney! You know all about these "Hollywood" people off of whose lives (and deaths) you make your living by blindly judging. They're the ones keeping you from your true calling of...

What, exactly? The Traveling Ass-Clown Circus? I'm not sure that's a real thing.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Professional Sports + Monogamy = Frowny-Face Emoticon

First we had we've got this.

Attention, extraordinarily-fortunate men and women who make up the tiny percentage of humankind that gets paid crazy-good money to engage in recreational activities that the vast majority of married/engaged/in-a-committed-relationship men and women support entirely with hefty chunks of their comparatively much-smaller salaries just so that they can occasionally escape to a fantasy world beyond their realities of quiet desperation while likely living to engage in said activities--for free--on the weekends:

Either stay single or choose a new career path. Should work out better for everybody.

[UPDATE (7:35 a.m. PST): The above blitheness aside, there's nothing funny about Chris Henry's subsequent death. Better odds he'll rest in peace than people will stop being lunatics.]

[FINAL POST TITLE]: Domino's Changing Recipe

[OPTIONAL POST TEXTS (all hyperlinks lead to same page)]:

(A) Domino's had a recipe?

(B) Now what brand of pizza will I continue to not eat?

(C) [something about "The Noid"]

I think I like 'C'; I just haven't worked out all the details yet.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Hillary Clinton's Preferred Alternate Universe Discovered in Bush Country (and none of the preceding was a lesbian joke)

On Saturday, a lesbian won the mayoral race of the largest U.S. city to ever vote an openly homosexual candidate to that office--which I think is awesome.

That city, however, is Houston--which flies in the face of my beloved, east-coast-bred and west-coast-nurtured, hippie-liberal stereotypes of the home state of the Worst President Ever.

But, taking into account that Houston Mayor-elect Annise Parker beat out a black person for the job, it kind of makes sense:

The George Bush-loving rednecks of Houston--faced with what they no doubt viewed as a "lesser of two evils"-type of situation--obviously opted to stick it to the American Negro President and that uppity bitch (and current U.S. Secretary of State) who once challenged the former for the Democratic presidential candidacy by voting for a woman with short blonde hair and a penchant for pantsuits instead of a colored fella.

My liberal bigotry is once again validated; all is right (and/or wrong) with the world.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Old Men, Take a Look At Us Now

It was reported on Wednesday that the Boston Red Sox have reached a preliminary agreement with the Texas Rangers to trade Mike Lowell for minor league catcher Max Ramirez.

The deal could still collapse--because Mike Lowell is an old man with a bum hip--and the emotional side of my Red Sox fandom kind of wants it to. On the other hand, Mike Lowell is an old man with a bum hip and the Red Sox desperately need a new catcher because their current one--whom I love dearly--is an old man with a bum everything.

I don't know how to feel...other than old.

[UPDATE (12/20): No deal.]

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Metroville's Movie Corner 2026: Shia LaBeouf IS Terry Francona in 'Reverse the Curse'*

I've been telling my wife for years that Boston Red Sox manager Terry Francona is an older version of Shia LaBeouf. At last, I have found two video clips of the aforementioned individuals that (sort of) prove my case:

*(That might not turn out to be the exact title of the film; perhaps it'll be based on Stephen King and Stewart O'Nan's book.)