Thursday, April 17, 2008

Sex and the Carcass


(Oh, my bad...spoiler alert.)

I'm certain that it's not anyone interesting, because there are no interesting characters in Sex and the City. Nevertheless, I hope that this news--which was "spilled" (no doubt strategically) by Cynthia Nixon (I believe she plays "the Lesbian-y One")--deters at least one person from seeing the film. That would be a moral victory for mankind.

Why? Because the people behind "Sex and the City" think that the television show's fans are idiotic sheep incapable of original thought...and it really depresses me that those fans--at least the ones that I know personally--are hell-bent on paying to prove as much during the movie's opening weekend.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

The Fast and the Spurious

In recent years, the movie industry has done its part to alleviate the strain of living in today's hectic world by eliminating time-wasting definite articles from the titles of most of its product. While the technology does not yet exist to allow the powers that be to retroactively expunge the offensively specific grammar in previously-existing movie titles from both historical record and the minds of the general public (but your time will come, Lord of Rings: Fellowship of Ring), the producers of The Fast and the Furious have done the next best thing:

They've given the fourth movie in their franchise the exact same title as the first movie, only without the 'the's.

If Fast and Furious is successful enough, it may effectively erase the shame of being born of a film whose name wasted precious nanoseconds in the lives of all who read it--nanoseconds that could have been spent watching cars go vroom and/or concocting elaborate gay porn fantasies (that's right, fans of one or the other: when it comes to The Fast and the Furious, you're all in it together). Perhaps such an atonement will compel George Lucas to change Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull--at least in time for the film's special-edition DVD release--to Man Hat Whip.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

T-Shirt or Holocaust? It's All the Same to the New York Yankees.

Yankees president Randy Levine recently described a certain individual as "somebody who had really bad motives and was trying to do a really bad thing," creatively adding that the act in question was "a very, very bad act." Can you guess to whom he was referring? I guessed Hitler...but I was wrong.

Levine was actually talking about Gino Castignoli, the dude who had buried a Red Sox t-shirt--which was dug up on Sunday--underneath the new, under-construction Yankee Stadium.

It would appear that not winning one World Series since the previous century, despite having the highest payroll in all of baseball, while your archnemeses have already won two (and counting) can cause a team to lose perspective. Not to mention a lot of baseball games. (Zing!)

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Sad About the Death of Charlton Heston?

Perhaps Jeb Bush, in a remark from a 2003 speech directed at Heston when he stepped down as president of the NRA, will lighten your mood:

"Were it not for your active involvement, it's safe to say my brother may not have been president of the United States."

I don't care how many disco vampires Charlton Heston took out during his time on this mortal coil...that bit of business stays on his permanent record.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Hank Steinbrenner's Attack Hawk a Failure [OR NOT--See Retraction]

[UPDATE (4/10): In Metroville's defense, the Yahoo story--which has been updated since it was linked--originally did not cite the girl's name. I'm too fast in uncovering hot scoops for my own good.]

Some people might accept the possibility that Thursday's hawk-attack on a middle school student touring Fenway Park was nothing more than an unfortunate fluke, but I happen to suspect that the bird was planted by Yankees pseudo-owner and doughy jackass Hank Steinbrenner after it was trained to strike at Red Sox fans, all in an attempt to cut back on attendance at his division rival's park. The reasons behind this theory are as follows:

1. The animal in question was not a Blue Jay, oriole or a devil ray (I'm sorry--just "ray"), thus clearing the remaining AL East teams of suspicion.

2. The hawk singled out an adolescent girl as its intended victim, which indicates that whomever orchestrated the attack is a pussy.

3. The attempt, like all other Yankees endeavors undertaken in this century to date, did not succeed.

Better luck next time, Hank.

UPDATE (4/10) (continued): I should have known that Hank Steinbrenner was too stupid to train a hawk. As seen in the comments below, the eagle-eyed Coggblogger has informed Metroville that the name of the girl attacked was "Alexa Rodriguez". Fly on and fly true, winged defender of Fenway!

They've Got It (Poor Judgment)

Attention, New Kids on the Block fans: Make sure your mother clears her schedule for the foreseeable future, because--even though you've likely had your license for at least fifteen years--having your mom drive you and your friends to the show will be essential to fully immersing yourself in the nostalgia-fest that is the group's upcoming reunion tour.

Wait...what's that, Donnie Wahlberg? You have "no interest going out on a nostalgia tour and singing the same material"? While the New Kids will be performing the old songs, the focus of the tour will be on promoting a new album? Good call.

Tell your mom to forget it, ladies. And someone might also want to see if it isn't too late for Jonathan Knight to get back his job as a real estate developer.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Biff Works!

With Steven Soderbergh! [Third paragraph, last sentence.]

But also with the guy from "Yes, Dear".

But also with Matt Damon!

But also with Scott Bakula.

But also with Scott Bakula! So it's a win.

This is the best Thomas F. Wilson news since...well, since this: