Monday, July 2, 2007

...And Justice for Rich Republicans Who are Friends with the Vice President

It had been touch-and-go in the month since Dick Cheney's former chief of staff Lewis "Scooter" Libby was sentenced to 30 months in prison for his involvement in leaking the identity of CIA agent Valerie Plame back in 2003, with President Bush appearing to waver on the question of whether or not he would pardon him. In the eleventh hour, our commander-in-chief has heroically stepped up and commuted Libby's sentence--effectively though not technically pardoning him because Libby will still have to pay a $250,000 fine and serve two years of probation--thus reconfirming his standing as Arguably the Most Corrupt and Incompetent President in America's History.

Happy Birthday, U.S.A.!

Magical Douchebag Conjures Obvious Puns

While he was most recently busy dedicating lame stunts to Cameron Diaz, it turns out that magician Criss Angel--a.k.a. "Mindfreak", a.k.a. Christopher Sarantakos (hmm, funny how those names get progressively less badass)--has sort of been kind of secretly married for five years and now his estranged wife is suing him for abandonment.

During a break in a court hearing on Friday, Sarantakos displayed his consummate showmanship and blazing originality when he gestured to his wife's lawyer and remarked, "I can make him disappear."

Get it? Because he's a magician! Presto shazam!

[Ed. note: pictured is an illusionist far more talented than Criss Angel.]

Monkey Desperate to Avoid Working with Emile Hirsch is reporting [Ed. note: or, I guess, "scooping"; I'm told that "Jeannette Walls delivers the scoop"] that PETA is up in arms over confirmed reports that a chimpanzee on the set of the upcoming live-action Speed Racer adaptation bit an actor, leading to allegations that the animal has been beaten. (Unless directors Larry and Andy Wachowski have opted for an all-chimpanzee cast, one has to assume that the simian in question is portraying Chim-Chim.) The film's producers have responded with assurances from the American Human Society that no animals in the movie are being abused, but PETA remains unconvinced.

Both sides are apparently choosing to ignore the most obvious explanation for the chimp's behavior: he was merely trying to demonstrate for the movie's lead actor, lifeless slouch Emile Hirsch, how to properly emote.

Find the Classiest Thing in This Story

(A) Alex Rodriguez's wife wears (B) a tanktop with a swear word on it to Yankee Stadium; (C) the New York Post goes bananas.

If you chose 'A', 'B' or 'C', you're wrong. The correct answer is: (D) the Boston Red Sox currently lead the Yankees by 11 games in the AL East.