Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Stupefying Observations of Anonymous Boneheads Unfiltered and Publicized by Pseudo-Sentient Lava Lamp

Who says "entertainment news" is meaningless?

If it weren't for crackerjack journalists like Courtney Hazlett of MSNBC's "The Scoop", the world would be deprived of unverified third-party criticism of the upcoming film Valkyrie that is as probing and insightful as this gem:

"'The film just isn’t a thriller at all' said one 'Valkyrie' viewer. 'It’s a bunch of white guys in Nazi uniforms.'"

Nicely reported, Courtney. Rather than wasting any time addressing how in the hell the two quoted sentences are in any way related, you skipped right ahead to not inquiring of the alleged "viewer" what race and gender he or she mistakenly believes Nazi officers were. And then you presumably collected a paycheck. Because someone believes that what you do is journalism.

No, William Randolph Hearst and Joseph Pulitzer...thank YOU.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Northern Expulsion

As that crazy lady who didn't become vice president was wont to remind us, Alaskans like to shoot things dead. I'm pretty sure that she was talking about defenseless animals, not political aspirations...but her fellow statesmen have apparently seen fit not to draw such a distinction, first hobbling her own professional future, then--on Tuesday--putting a bullet between the eyes of an octogenarian convicted felon's career...on his birthday!

What happened to you, Alaska? You used to be cool.

(Oh, right--global warming.)

Nerds Confusing Nerds Confusing Nerds

Excited for the revamped Star Trek, nerds? Especially since the new trailer premiered last weekend?

Well, that thing's only been online for about 24 hours, and nerds--who, as you know, nerds, are known to work fast when it comes to this sort of thing--have recut it as the opening title sequence of what I can only imagine you would find a sacrilegious fusion of one of your favorite nerd things and "Beverly Hills, 90210" (plus what I believe is a reference to the guy who plays Spock's character's name on that terrible program "Heroes", which I understand you also like). To add insult to injury, the production quality is low.

Take that, nerds! other nerds.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Bush to Go Out in a Blaze of...Mild Reasonability?

You know all those horrible things that George W. Bush did during his eight disastrous years in office?

With less than 70 days to go, The Worst President Ever has come around to acknowledging that his deeds were, in fact, horrible...or at least that about three of them were.

Three is a low number, but it is a start--a start in the direction opposite nuclear winter, which is where I had been pretty sure Bush would try to lead us during his final days in office. So I'll take my small victories where I can get them.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Terrorist Attacks McCain

While more responsible bloggers such as myself have been reticent to rub the Obama victory in the faces of those who opposed his campaign, former would-be terrorist (who about 90% of the American populous had never heard of until Sean Hannity looked him up on Wikipedia) and current college professor William Ayers apparently holds no such qualms.

Using Obama's historic victory as a jumping-off point, Ayers has written a piece for In These Times in which he kicks John McCain while he's down, segueing abruptly from poo-pooing McCain for his usage of Ayers as a "prop" in his failed presidential bid into boldly denouncing McCain for...having participated in the Vietnam War. (Ayers also finds a moment to brag about having been mentioned on "The Colbert Report", which I would probably do, too.)

Really, Bill? Vietnam? You still think that's the first thing people should hold against John McCain?

I would have gone with the more recent constant lying or the baseless, often latently racist smears against Barack Obama or the complete abandonment of his principles in a desperate quest to win an office for no other reason than to satiate his ego.

Then again, none of those things happened in the 1960s, which was apparently the only decade when anything interesting happened in America. I guess you had to be there, which I was not.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Fox News Throws Sarah Palin Under the Snow Machine

I told myself after Kal-El won the presidential election last night that I would resist schadenfreude and avoid posting any anti-McCain/Palin stories for the foreseeable future.

That foreseeable future almost lasted twenty-four hours, then Wonkette posted the above video.

What gives, Fox News? Wasn't it just two months ago when you were hailing the pretty lady with glasses as the savior of your network mandate--I mean, the Republican Party? Looks like this ugly breakup could drag on for a while.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Barack in Time

Once upon a time in America, black people were white people's property.

A couple of centuries later, for eight years America was led by the stupidest, most incompetent, most corrupt, destructive and vile person to ever hold the job.


On November 4th, 2008, Barack Obama--who is half African-American--was elected President of the United States.

That's a time I can believe in.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Rest In Peace, Obama's Grandma

Little more than twenty-four hours before she might [ed. note: that's a "might", mind you] have seen her grandson be elected as the first black President of the United States, Madelyn Dunham passed away late Sunday night at the age of 86.

Call me a cynical asshole, but if [ed. note: that's an "if", I hasten to point out] Barack Obama wins the election tomorrow, I wouldn't be surprised to see John McCain, his campaign and his supporters attribute the outcome to sympathy.

And if they're going to think that, I'm going to have go ahead and think that Mrs. Dunham deliberately timed her death--not just out of love for her grandson, but for her country.