Thursday, May 12, 2011

The Ballad of John Demjanjuk

[opening guitar strum]

Gather 'round and let me tell you the story of John Demjanjuk--


Ah, forget this. I can't rhyme anything with "Demjanjuk"; I'm not even sure how it's pronounced. But the dude apparently had a hand in killing like 28,000 people during the Holocaust. He's going to prison.

[closing guitar strum]

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

BEAT THIS HEADLINE:


"NPR Exec Caught On Tape Calling Tea Partiers 'Racist'"

I got one:

"Fish-Lizards Caught On Shore Like A Billion Years Ago Calling Sky 'Blue'"

Monday, February 28, 2011

Can't Believe Buckles Buckled...

There is no reason for a perfectly healthy 110-year-old American war hero to die other than the stress that comes from realizing that the current U.S. President is less than one hundred-percent Caucasian.

Name me one other reason, you freedom-hating hippie liberals!

Monday, January 17, 2011

You Guys Read the Internet?

Me too! I even have a blog: [URL NOT FOUND]

You follow professional sports? Me too! I happen to have a preference for Boston-based teams, including (but not limited to) the football squad that recently got their (gorgeous) teeth kicked in by one from New Jersey! (No, not that one--the one with the head coach who mistakenly thinks that he can bury his self-loathing under a pile of fried foods, narcissism and sexual perversion.)

According to the internet, the New [LOCATION PERSISTENTLY UNDEFINED] Jets are the best foot-based sports team ever now and they will never, ever, lose again.

For real! It's on the internet!

Sunday, January 9, 2011

U.S. Male

FROM: John Hinckley, Jr.
TO: Jared Lee Loughner

What the hell, dude? I was just trying to impress a famous girl I thought was pretty. I didn't make it political.

FROM: Jared Lee Loughner
TO: John Hinckley, Jr.

Neither did I.

Monday, January 3, 2011