Metroville's Movie Corner: Guess the Secret of 'Orphan's' Orphan

(a) She's a dude.

(b) She was dead the whole time.

(c) She's Macaulay Culkin.

Having seen Orphan, I can state with complete confidence that Esther's secret is one of the above or something else entirely.

You know what else I can state with complete confidence? That Katherine Heigl looks like Mr. Bill and hates women; that the computer-animated guinea pig you think is voiced by Flavor Flav is actually voiced by Tracy Morgan, which makes you a racist; and that Orphan (at the time of this posting) has a higher positive-rating total on Rotten Tomatoes than do The Ugly Truth and G-Force combined.

Also, anyone over the age of 17 who voluntarily goes to see Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince is a pedophile.

Metroville's Movie Corner: Sociopathic Cult-Fueled Garbage Showdown

QUESTION 1: Did you go to the movies last weekend? (If 'Yes', proceed to Question 2.)

QUESTION 2: Did you go because you wanted to be genuinely entertained? (If 'Yes', you are a liar--it was February--but proceed to Question 3 anyway.)

QUESTION 3: Did you see Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail? (If 'Yes', congratulations--your sociopathic cult won and you are blessed to proceed in your unquestioning worship of He Who Is Absolutely Not Gay! If 'No', proceed to Shameful Denouement.)

SHAMEFUL DENOUEMENT: And you call yourself a Jonas Brothers fan? I don't care how many times you had your mom bring you to see The Jonas Brothers: The 3-D Concert Experience over the weekend--it wasn't enough. They hate you now and not even the ugliest one will ever marry you. Turn in your purity ring and begin making preparations to die alone.

End of 'The Dark Knight's' Box Office Dominance Foretold by Children

"For truly it is to be noted, that children's plays are not sports, and should be deemed as their most serious actions." - Michel Eyquem de Montaigne

Neat as the above amateur trailer may be (and it is pretty neat), it is likely that those who enjoy it most--including the adult nerds who made it--are the least likely to recognize the underlying prophecy brought forth by its very existence...

Children are indeed the future--but that applies not only to the longview of humanity, but also to the short-term view of popular culture. The moment that the future embraces any aspect of the present, that aspect becomes a part of the past. Ergo, The Dark Knight's historic reign atop the box office will come to an end this weekend. Thus the children have spoken; thus Metroville guarantees it.

(Also, Tropic Thunder comes out on Wednesday; that kind of helps my fortune-telling confidence.)


[video courtesy Wizard Universe via Defamer]