QUESTION 1: Did you go to the movies last weekend? (If 'Yes', proceed to Question 2.)
QUESTION 2: Did you go because you wanted to be genuinely entertained? (If 'Yes', you are a liar--it was February--but proceed to Question 3 anyway.)
QUESTION 3: Did you see Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail? (If 'Yes', congratulations--your sociopathic cult won and you are blessed to proceed in your unquestioning worship of He Who Is Absolutely Not Gay! If 'No', proceed to Shameful Denouement.)
SHAMEFUL DENOUEMENT: And you call yourself a Jonas Brothers fan? I don't care how many times you had your mom bring you to see The Jonas Brothers: The 3-D Concert Experience over the weekend--it wasn't enough. They hate you now and not even the ugliest one will ever marry you. Turn in your purity ring and begin making preparations to die alone.