Not once since moving from New England to Southern California have I not regretted my lack of access to a Dunkin' Donuts...until right now. Official-spokesman-less since the 1997 retirement of "Fred the Baker" (a.k.a. Michael Vale), Dunkin' Donuts has announced the hiring of a new pitchwoman:
Rachel f'ing Ray.
To be honest, I'm not entirely sure who Rachel Ray is or what she does. I think she has a cooking show (the above-linked Boston Globe article describes her as a "TV personality"); I believe I've also seen some cookbooks that she has written or at least put her face on the covers of...best I can tell, she's a poor man's Martha Stewart.
Whatever the hell her credentials may be, what's offensive about this news is the fact that, from the looks of her, Rachel Ray wouldn't know a doughnut if one were strangling to her death (an action, curiously enough, that the Boston Globe editors have chosen to depict in the Photoshopped image accompanying the aforementioned article). That is apparently just the reason why Dunkin' Donuts has hired her, as the company is attempting to "get beyond its doughnut heritage".
If Dunkin' Donuts wants to get beyond its doughnut heritage, it should stop existing, because they're a food chain that first and foremost sells doughnuts--it's right there in the name, and spelled more appealingly. People aren't turning to them for health food, and they never will, no matter whose image the company attaches to its advertising materials.
For my money, when contemplating my doughnut needs and the options therein, I'm reassured by the face of a man like Fred the Baker--that's a man who, when he talks about doughnuts, is clearly speaking from experience (true to the brand to the delicious end, Vale died as a result of diabetes complications in 2005). When I see that gussied-up tart Rachel Ray (who the Globe article points out couldn't even sell Crock-Pots when she tried), on the other hand, I'm tempted to call off my doughnut plans altogether and go eat an apple.
Or something.
