[FINAL POST TITLE]: Domino's Changing Recipe

[OPTIONAL POST TEXTS (all hyperlinks lead to same page)]:

(A) Domino's had a recipe?

(B) Now what brand of pizza will I continue to not eat?

(C) [something about "The Noid"]

I think I like 'C'; I just haven't worked out all the details yet.

They're Grrr...salmonella!

The above title would apply if Frosted Flakes were one of the Kellogg products that contained peanut butter, which it is not.

"Keebler Elves Out to Kill Your Ass" would have been a more truthful headline.

Does KFC Know About This?

Who'da thunk it: you need a permit to eat monkey meat in the United States. Better make sure your papers are in order, Colonel Sanders.

Julia Child Could Have Easily Killed You with a Pastry Brush

Bobby Flay has grilling skills; Rachel Ray has a contract with Dunkin' Donuts; Emeril Lagasse probably has Robert Urich's autograph. But there's one thing that no living celebrity cook has on the late Julia Child:

None of them was ever a secret agent.

The National Archives has released the previously classified names of nearly 24,000 members of the Office of Strategic Services (OSS), the World War II-era precursor of the CIA...and Julia Child--the chef lady from TV!--is on that list. (Other inconceivables include Chicago White Sox catcher Moe Berg, Police drummer Stewart Copeland's dad and the guy whose life story inspired "Eight Is Enough".)

Take note, Food Network stars. Sure, you might sell a lot of cookbooks...but have you won any wars lately?

I didn't think so.

(You might still get a chance, though, if you're interested.)

Time to Stop Eating the Donuts

Not once since moving from New England to Southern California have I not regretted my lack of access to a Dunkin' Donuts...until right now. Official-spokesman-less since the 1997 retirement of "Fred the Baker" (a.k.a. Michael Vale), Dunkin' Donuts has announced the hiring of a new pitchwoman:

Rachel f'ing Ray.

To be honest, I'm not entirely sure who Rachel Ray is or what she does. I think she has a cooking show (the above-linked Boston Globe article describes her as a "TV personality"); I believe I've also seen some cookbooks that she has written or at least put her face on the covers of...best I can tell, she's a poor man's Martha Stewart.

Whatever the hell her credentials may be, what's offensive about this news is the fact that, from the looks of her, Rachel Ray wouldn't know a doughnut if one were strangling to her death (an action, curiously enough, that the Boston Globe editors have chosen to depict in the Photoshopped image accompanying the aforementioned article). That is apparently just the reason why Dunkin' Donuts has hired her, as the company is attempting to "get beyond its doughnut heritage".

If Dunkin' Donuts wants to get beyond its doughnut heritage, it should stop existing, because they're a food chain that first and foremost sells doughnuts--it's right there in the name, and spelled more appealingly. People aren't turning to them for health food, and they never will, no matter whose image the company attaches to its advertising materials.

For my money, when contemplating my doughnut needs and the options therein, I'm reassured by the face of a man like Fred the Baker--that's a man who, when he talks about doughnuts, is clearly speaking from experience (true to the brand to the delicious end, Vale died as a result of diabetes complications in 2005). When I see that gussied-up tart Rachel Ray (who the Globe article points out couldn't even sell Crock-Pots when she tried), on the other hand, I'm tempted to call off my doughnut plans altogether and go eat an apple.

Or something.