Manny Using Manny (Drugs) Getting (Suspended) Manny (Games)

The Los Angeles Times has broken the story that Dodgers superstar and "model citizen" Manny Ramirez will be suspended for 50 games beginning Thursday after testing positive for performance-enhancing drugs.

...Hooray? ...Boo?

Eh, I don't care. As long as he's not on the Red Sox anymore or on my fantasy tea--ah, crap.

A Manny Apart

Completing a transaction they started five years ago, on Thursday, the Boston Red Sox parted ways with Manny Ramirez.

The superstar slugger is off to where all modern-era Red Sox heroes have gone to die--the Los Angeles Dodgers--as part of a three-way trade including the Pittsburgh Pirates that brings outfielder Jason Bay to Boston.

As a Red Sox fan, even if Manny is the cause of the Red Sox' current suckitude, as many people believe, I am very sad to see him go. As a resident of Los Angeles and a frequent Dodger game-attendee, on the other hand, I have to admit that Dodger Stadium might be a perfect fit for a player of Ramirez's temperament:

The average visitor to shows up to games 3 innings late and leaves 3 innings early, is more interested in bouncing colorful balls around than he is in paying attention to the game, and--in many cases--speaks in broken English that makes everything he says sound adorable to all the white people he secretly hates.

Farewell, Manuel Aristides Ramirez; thanks for the two World Series titles and the years of amusingly inexplicable behavior.

Now go be Manny--although significantly less so--somewhere else.

Red Sox Bandwagon Extends to Major League Players

I would happily volunteer to be Madonna's personal sponge bather for eternity before I would even dream of dreaming of accidentally undoing the Boston Red Sox' historic World Series victory in 2004 (or, for that matter, their subsequent 2007 championship and any more that may take place in my lifetime)...but that's not to say that my formerly-famous-for-failing team's rise to dominance in the first decade of the 21st century has come without a personal toll: mainly, the bandwagon fans. They wear pink hats, they couldn't spell "Yastrzemski" if their lives depended on it, and--as any supporter of any Major League Baseball team whose home park is not located on Yawkey Way will bitterly attest to--they are everywhere.

Having reluctantly accepted, to the best of my ability, these deplorable peoples' putrid existence as a necessary downside of the excellence of the modern-era Red Sox, I am nonetheless dumbfounded to have discovered that the Boston-bandwagon culture has grown so powerful that it has actually permeated the players in the American League.

Does David Ortiz deserve a spot on the 2008 MLB All-Star team, even though he's currently on the DL? Without question. Same goes for Manny Ramirez, even though he's as likely to participate in the event as he is to abruptly retire and take a job as a hot dog vendor at Yankee Stadium--which is to say, there's a 50/50 chance. Dustin Pedroia and Kevin Youkilis each embody the ideal of a player whose tireless dedication enhances his talent; both of them deserve to be All-Stars as much as--if not more than--any household name. Those are the four Boston Red Sox who were voted as starters on the 2008 AL squad, and they were selected by the fans.

Fan voting ended last Wednesday, and the remainder of the selections were made by the players in each league. In the American League, three more Red Sox were added to the All-Star roster, including closer Jonathan Papelbon--all but a lock to begin with--and outfielder J.D. Drew--a more questionable choice, though he did raise his game significantly after Ortiz went down. I wouldn't have thought twice about the matter (it's possible that in place of this post would have been a rant against the raw deals Jacoby Ellsbury, Josh Beckett and Mike Lowell received) were it not for the third and final Red Sox voted to the 2008 All-Star team by his fellow players throughout the league:

Catcher Jason Varitek, who--at the time of this writing--is batting .219 with 7 home runs and 27 RBI.

You've shown your hand, Major League Baseball players. I love Jason Varitek and I hope that he keeps playing for the Red Sox until both of his knees explode, but I can state without hesitation that the man has no business on the All-Star team this year. Try as you might to defend your decision by referring to Varitek's less tangible "leadership" qualities and how he "contributes to wins even when he's not hitting", the underlying message is loud and clear: All of you are only pretending to like Jason Varitek because he plays for a winning team, and everybody loves a winner whether or not they know anything about them.

Care to dispute that charge? Without Googling, (1) name Jerry Remy's hometown, (2) name the Red Sox pitcher who would have been the 1986 World Series MVP (hint: it's not Roger Clemens), and (3) acknowledge the fact that Fever Pitch is a shit movie...then maybe we can talk.

After you get rid of that pink hat.

David Ortiz Eats Trucks, Manny Ramirez Sells Cars

In case there's any question as to how David Ortiz manages to continually strengthen his already near-suffocating bear hug on the hearts, minds and first-born children of Boston Red Sox fans while Manny Ramirez only further alienates himself from them every season (until he inevitably goes on a tear--then all is forgiven until next time), two stories that have come out of the Sox spring training camp illuminate the dichotomy perfectly:

Manny was given permission from the team to report late to camp for "family reasons"...and it now turns out that his definition of "family" might include his 1967 four-door Lincoln Continental Sedan convertible, as he's scheduled to appear at the Atlantic City Classic Cars Auction on Saturday, where the item is being sold. Way to be committed to the team, Manny (not to mention your post-op mother, whom you used as an excuse).

Ortiz, meanwhile, didn't have to travel to Atlantic City for his vehicular needs--he was handed the keys to a Toyota Tundra TRD just for showing up at camp yesterday. But that's not the interesting part: Big Papi later referred to the truck as "his breakfast" [fifth paragraph].

So not only did David Ortiz make it to spring training on time (early, technically)--unlike his space cadet counterpart--the Red Sox gave him a truck...and he ate it. How can anyone not love that guy?